So this ties in with my previous post on forgiveness and why it is hard. You see, yesterday I took a step backward in my spiritual quest to find forgiveness for myself and my bff of the last few years. I gave in to my EGO! Yup, it lurked it's ugly head, and it felt good. You see in the severing of our friendship, each person's ego was taking over. She had to be the one more hurt or I had to be the one more wronged. It was silly and stupid. However, we let satan, or the shadow if you prefer, take over and our EGO's ruined the friendship. Neither party could take a step back and see the other's point of view and love and have compassion on them. Well, last night, my ego had had it. I wrote her an email of several of the instances where she wronged me. It searched and searched to see what I had done wrong in the friendship and it couldn't find anything (imagine that, my EGO not seeing I had any fault in her reactions of these past 2 weeks.) In fact my ego was screaming, "Take that Jerk!" It wanted her to wake up and feel the pain she caused. Then I learned a beautiful lesson and some questions as well.
First the lesson learned...
I met my friend right after my husband of 17 years left. Her husband had just left them too. She came into my life divinely and god sent. According to Deepak Chopra, there are no coincidences in life. Becky called me on Feb. 10, the same day I have had 6 of my 9 miscarriages. She called out of the blue and it was a friendship sealed by His hand.
The main light bulb moment that you are going to read here is paraphrased from Everyday Grace. What I learned last night is sometimes when we are in immense pain, we look to other people to fix us. We are tempted to enter into friendships looking to find ourselves. When we look for another to complete us, we doom any chance of the friendship lasting because we are looking it to be what it's not. When one or both are not in touch with who they are the parties behave in a way that repels each other. Healing our inner self is a prerequisite to healthy relationships.
Being adopted and having a few other traumas in life, I went through my life creating the drama in my relationships with others. Feeling in many ways abandoned by others, I tried to be received by others as I got older. I did stupid stuff for attention to be loved and accepted. But I didn't know how to accept others in my life, because I didn't have that pattern in my life. Others would end up feeling rejected by me because I didn't know how to accept their love, and then you could just put in the rinse and repeat cycle.
I need to quote word for word out of the book on this part because it is so important...
"It took more than a rational analysis to interrupt that pattern. It could not be broken by finding another person who would finally, ultimately accept me fully. That could not and would not happen until first, I repaired my own underlying wound by learning to accept myself. I learned that I am received by God, and that my job is to help others feel as welcomed by me as we are welcomed by Him. Love is the miracle of a rewired heart, as our relationship with Him redeems our relationships with others."
Oh yah, so for my question...why when the ego takes over does it feel so good if it's so wrong?
My other friend asked me what I want out of all this with my bff. I explained to her I wasn't sure. But, I am sure, I want the God ordained friendship that was meant to be before the EGO's stepped in. To wrap this up for my one person that reads this blog, my EGO took over last night and instead I should have redeemed my relationship with God, so He can redeem my friendship with her. People have their free agency and yet, I wanted to shove in her face her wrongs so that she would see how wrong she was, when in fact, I can't force her to see anything. My job is to become the light I see in myself and let God take over the rest. He is the God of miracles, so in a weird way, I know if I work on me, we will be friends.
Yah easier said than done, I can't have a twinkie anymore either.
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