Okay, so I was reading a sample of a book about forgiveness by Tracy Stier Johnson,while researching for my book on forgiveness, when I realized...I still have some forgiveness practices wrong. I feel as though God is changing me once precept at a time. This one just happened to hit me hard.
The author was talking about what forgiveness is not. She asked the reader to check their motives and says, "Raise your hand if you've ever read or heard a message and thought, "Oh how I wish so and so were here for this message, she So needs it!" I am telling you right now that's what this whole blog has been about!!!! Yep, I'm that lame. It has helped me grow in so many ways to write this blog. I will never be the same after all I have learned. However, the whole time I've been writing this, I've been hoping that my friend would also get the message. How could she ever deny the words of the prophets? I would hope she is getting the message as clearly as I was. (Do you hear my ego and hurt coming through?)
Have you sat through a lesson on Sunday and wished that your spouse was "getting" it? Then you know what I'm talking about right? You know, the lesson on treating your spouse great. Or the lesson you want your kids to hear on working. Or in my case the lessons on forgiving, loving, unconditional love, loving others, etc., that I want my friend to hear on a consistent basis.
Sometimes, like last Sunday, I was hoping that she was hearing the same lesson on Charity that we were getting at our church because "oh she so needed to hear that!!!" What??? Did you hear me? That is crazy for me to wish that she would get it, so that she could see what a huge mistake she is making by not forgiving. But the situation would get that much better if she could just "get" it right? I mean seriously, two people who love each other and want to do the Lord's will, should be able to engage in a healthy friendship based on mutual trust, respect, and love even after hardship, based on the Atonement, right????
The truth is it doesn't matter. My forgiveness needs to be extended to her and my love increased for her independently if she ever "gets" it or not. My forgiveness to her isn't based on the condition that she acknowledge her wrongdoing, and isn't conditional on her "getting" that she hurt me as bad as she is hurting. It is not conditional forgiveness based on if she wants to ever reconcile with me. It is given because I love God and her. Wow, that's big.
I've known the whole time I've been writing this blog that it would be helpful for me to write because it exposes a lot of my weaknesses and can help bring me closer to God. This weakness was a big blaring one right smack upside my head. Let's hear me say "Doh."
Do I still have the motives that she ends up seeing forgiveness the way God intends? Yes, but I need to work on repenting for my mistakes more than worry about if another person repents for theirs. This was an eye opener that I need to work on. I can't worry about whether she cares or not if she hurts my family, I can't worry that her family has misinformation and treats mine poorly, I can't worry if she wants her son to have a friendship with mine, I can't worry about or control any of it. I can only worry about my part in making things better. I can worry about me not judging her. I can worry about me praying and fasting for her and her kids. I can worry about me making sure I speak highly of them and her whole family. I can worry about loving her unconditionally and then if she ever wants to reconcile I will be ready and open with nothing but love towards her. I can worry about her health, her happiness, and her spirit. I will struggle at times with hurt feelings but I will engage God and work at developing those feelings. Because I know she is my sister, she is my family, she is a kindred friendship to me.
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