Are you kidding me? Ridiculous!

I am going to go out on a limb here this sabbath and say are you kidding me? People who say they can't forgive people because what people have done to them is so awful? Are you kidding me? When we have people like Emilie Parker's family, Chris Wilson, the Amish, and others who forgive people of the most heinous acts.

Emilie Parker was one of the 20 children shot in the Connecticut shooting this past December. Her dad and mom were interviewed and they expressed they have no anger towards the shooter or his family and that they have compassion for the shooter that he must've been sick.

Chris Wilson lost some of his family on Christmas Eve when their car was struck by a young driver who was under the influence. Chris has reached out to the driver and forgiven him.

The Amish people who went through the shocking violence of having ten girls in their school shot and five of the girls dying. They invited the shooters family to the funerals.

There are many many stories of courageous people like these who are willing to forgive really terrible acts. What are you holding on to that you can't forgive?

I know I am holding onto way too many trivial hurts. I'm going to step it up and let go. Sorry this post is a little out there and crabby but I'm tired of myself and others not doing what the Lord says and forgive! Just do it people.

If I Ignore It, It Doesn't Exist...

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.- Jack Handy, SNL Deep thoughts

Walking into my son's soccer game a few weeks ago, there was a little girl named Lily. She is probably two or three at most, cute little stinker. She was in a mood that night and when I said hi to her, she turned her head the other way and pretended that she didn't hear me. So of course, I spent the next hour, trying to win her heart over, tempting her with teases, treats, and everything I could think of. Guess what? She won! She did not give me the time of day. (sidenote, the next week she was my best friend) Kids are like that and I think sometimes we as adults are like that as well.

Sometimes, ignoring problems or questions that pop up in life seems like a good idea but sometimes it creates more problems. By ignoring those in our life that are difficult and sometimes hurtful, we are sometimes neglecting what God would have us do. Now here is a big disclaimer: I am the one being ignored, so it is easy for me to write how wrong it is to ignore others. But go with me on this....if you were struggling and trying your very best and your family, significant other, best friend, acquaintance, or neighbor decided your weaknesses were just to hard to deal with and they started ignoring you, would you like that? Is that what God wants us to do? Just go after the 90 and 9 or remember the 1? Yep, sounds like I am guilting you all into not ignoring, and I am. 

But they hurt me...But they are unhealthy...But they are psycho...But they are draining...But they are not good for me....But they cause too much destruction.

These are common arguments that often we hear in our heads. Recently, I was reading a book that was talking of compassion, and it suggested that we step outside of ourselves and craft a story of understanding for the person that is hurtful, unhealthy, psycho, draining, and not good for you, and see if the seeds of compassion start to sprout from your heart. This is a step that is necessary at times when forgiveness is hard. The book goes on to say that the hurt that they created in you or damage is unacceptable yet recognizing that people are doing the best they can with what capabilities they have, will help free you and turn you to compassion.

Now let me state here, I am in no way suggesting that if you are being physically beat up or the equivalent that you should just take it and find compassion. By all means stay safe. I am suggesting a higher law of God's of living in a way that He does, where the heart guides us, love guides us, a desire for our brother and sisters to make it home guides us.

Free Agency and Discouragement : (

Sometimes I feel like this would be a great campaign motto! But I think we all know that campaign came and got voted out.

I am majorly discouraged! You see, no matter how hard you try, people still have their free agency. Sometimes, this is discouraging. When my ex husband left, he had his free agency. I could not stop him from doing so. No amount of prayer, fasting, or talking could take away his free agency. We did, however, have to learn to live with the consequences of his free agency; changes in lifestyle, income, family management, emotional management, etc. came.

With my recent experience of my friend leaving, same thing. I cannot take her free agency away and make her want to be apart of my life or my kids lives. We just need to learn to live with the consequences of her choice. Interestingly enough, she had weaved herself more into our lives than even my ex husband and so we are feeling more consequences to her choice than when he left. We are feeling the effects in changes in lifestyle, income, family management, emotional management, time management, etc. And like with my ex, no amount of prayer, fasting, or talking can take away her free agency either.

So why am I discouraged? I think because you see what could have been if both were on the same page, for the same outcome. God's outcome. Divinely placed friendships should be centered in what God's outcome is and then the two work towards that. But you can't force others to see that sometimes, and it's DISCOURAGING! It's also discouraging because sometimes you KNOW in  your heart the world's answer of if it's unhealthy walk away, is not always God's way. Just as He would never walk away, maybe we should see a new path of walking towards Him and let Him lead you to healthy. Because I see this so well now, like the phrase "my eyes are open" it's a strong righteous desire. But I can't choose that for someone else.

I worked really hard these last few weeks on trying to bring God into the solution. I am not a quitter, and I don't give up. I still see the possibilities of a beautiful friendship. As I read the book Falling to Heaven this week, I learned a great many lessons. First, I was trying too hard to seek her forgiveness and not hard enough seeking the Lord's forgiveness. I needed to repent more rather than seek forgiveness more. What I am saying is, I was focused too much on wanting her back in our life than I was on fixing the issues that would create the space for that. Second, I am to love her regardless if she ever comes around again or not. Third, I have an obligation to her for the rest of my life now to help her. I could keep going on and on with all of the great nuggets I got out of this book, but it didn't take the pain away!

I went and visited a long time friend yesterday when he heard I was struggling. He said to me, "eight years from now do you still want to be chasing a friend who doesn't want to be apart of your life?" As I thought about his question, I knew my response immediately. Absolutely not! I don't want to be chasing a friend who doesn't want to be apart of our lives, but I will love a friend whether or not they want to be apart of our lives. It is a privilege to be apart of my kids' love and lives, and mine as well, if it's not viewed that way, then who am I to want to force someone back in. And that means we are a privilege even with our weaknesses.

Closing this post up, sometimes it can be discouraging not having control over others, haha, or sometimes when others hurt and even leave you, but discouragement is temporary if repentance is priority. I had an overwhelming feeling come over me the other night that I have done all that I can in trying to make amends and repair what damage I have caused and that I am to sit back now and wait for God to work the miracle now. I have not told people specifics of the falling out because I want the door open for them to be able to choose if they want back in. I have begun repenting and will continue repenting, have prayed for them and will continue to pray for them, and have opened my heart. Now it's time to turn it over to God while continuing these things.

How do you define love?

I found this post this morning while searching for some topics from Sheri Dew.  I am going to copy it straight from the blog I found today because the blog post is fitting to my situation now as well.  At the bottom, I will post my thoughts. In case you want to go straight to the blog, here is the link. http://nineisenough.wordpress.com/2012/12/07/how-do-you-define-love/

We will have a new little one entering our home next week. I received a call today asking if we could take a placement of a 3 year old little boy as a foster child for the next few months as he prepares to transition home. Of course I was a bit perplexed. If he is transitioning home, why is his current placement disrupting? Does he have extreme behaviors that his current foster home can’t handle? If so, I probably wasn’t interested as we already have enough difficult behaviors in some of our children.

I was reassured the problem didn’t stem from him but rather from his foster parents. They have had this little guy for almost 16 months and claim they love him so much they wanted to adopt him. Yesterday, however, the judge ruled in favor of the biological mother, saying that she was making enough progress on her case plan that he deemed she was ready for unsupervised visits. Apparently this upset the foster parents enough that they showed up at a Child and Family Team meeting today saying, “Get him out of our house asap.”

So, this is how they define love? They loved him enough to want to have him be a part of their family forever, but as soon as the case didn’t go their way, they didn’t even stop to think about how their actions will affect their foster son?

How do children learn to attach and trust? By our example and by teaching them that we are worthy of their attachment and trust. By showing them that we will be there for them no matter what. By hanging in there for them even when the going gets tough. That’s also how I define love.

Understand that I have had foster children who returned back to bio family where I didn’t think it was in the child’s best interest. I have sent kids home wondering if they will come right back into the system. But as hard as it was, I stayed by them not only physically but emotionally as well. I might have shed many tears after they left, but I loved them enough to be there for them through the transition back home.

I admit in situations like this one, I often wonder who are the adults. One of his counselors told me that they are going to approach this move by talking to him about being brave. How it will be hard, but how he is making progress in returning home to his mother. They will also talk to him about getting to our home soon enough before Christmas so Santa will know where to find him.

They couldn’t have hung in there for a few more months and helped him transition back to his mother? They couldn’t be emotional support for her as they tell her his bedtime routine and if he likes a book or a song before turning out the lights?

Instead, he is asked to be the brave one? My heart goes out to this little guy. I’m sure his first removal from his biological home was traumatic enough. Moving a second time shouldn’t have to be equally difficult. His second move should be to go back home, not to a stranger’s home yet again.

We will love him. We will give him snuggles and the TLC he deserves and whether or not I feel that his biological mother is 100% ready for his return, it is my job to let go when ordered by a judge. It is not always easy, but being there for the child is how I define love. His feelings, his loss, his attachment should come first. That’s also how I define acting like an adult.

My thoughts...

First, what a wonderful lady! What a wonderful definition of love she has.

 In my own situation, my friend's family called us family, till we were too hard; now they don't even say hi.  The people who my kids called grandma and grandpa, aunt and uncle, now will walk by without a glance.  It is Christmas Eve and we used to spend this night with them. Even though we are alone this year, we have the three of us. We can spend the night reflecting on how to love others more and the Savior. It's sad the people we thought had taken us, turned because they didn't know how to love like the Savior does. Now this is harsh I know, I am speaking out of hurt and a little with my mama bear claws out. You can hurt me but to hurt my kids is unacceptable. I will go and repent now.

.

Withholding Forgiveness?

In my new favorite book, "Falling to Heaven," James Ferrell talks about people who are withholding forgiveness. His words in chapter 16 called Withholding Forgiveness, echo what I have been trying to say about forgiveness. He does a much better and eloquent job of presenting the idea that I have been feeling in my heart.

I am going to quote a whole paragraph from his book, so please bare with me. He says, "As with most questions, the clearest and truest answer can be found by pondering the Savior and his offering. The Lord effectively experienced all the "lost tops" (referring to hurt and sin) in the history of the world, most of which were never found (speaking in terms of we could never make up for the hurt or sin). And by proxy, he suffered for us all the mistreatment and heartache that followed those and all other experiences in mortality. Before we continue to rage against those we feel have hurt us, perhaps we should ponder over his response to the suffering he experienced on our behalf. His response, despite suffering that infinitely dwarfs our own, is to lovingly take us in his arms and work eternally to redeem and to sanctify us. And why? Because he wants to be with us and he wants us to enjoy all that he has! How do our own responses to suffering compare to this?"

He then goes on to say that extending forgiveness to someone is merely repenting for your failure to love them in the first place.  Think about that.  I know I have talked about that in a previous post but I think it's so important to understand.  We are all separated from God. To leave a family member, friend, acquaintance, or any of God's children alone because they offended or hurt you, you are failing to love them. God wants you to respond how the Savior would. But to ignore, have anger, gossip, etc. like Uchtdorf talks about, is wrong. Loving is the answer. Think about the 99 and the 1. The Lord didn't say if the 1 is too hard to help, don't go after it. In fact, those of us that are harder to love, need you more.  There, I'm jumping off my soap box now. This has just been a really difficult Christmas season.

Think about child like forgiveness...There have been times when I have yelled at my kids pretty good and within two minutes we are hugging and they are telling me how much they love me.  Kids do not withhold their forgiveness and love. They are God's love.  How much better would the world be if adults could forgive and love as kids so often do?

Ferrell goes on to say that our idea of forgiveness is often wrong, and we act as though when we forgive someone we are doing such a "gallant" act and sometimes we wait till the offending party shows some contrition for their supposed error. We think mistakenly that they must earn our forgiveness and that by withholding any forgiveness we are sucking all the light and divinity from the act of forgiveness. He states, "as if love must, or can be purchased. Does Christ withhold his love from us? Does he not, rather, come to us, and bid us to come to him, "without price?" Shouldn't we too, draw closer to those who have offended or hurt us and help our brothers and sisters home? He goes on and states my favorite new line, "Any withholding of love is itself a sin. So to have held it back on account of what another has done is itself an act for which we must repent." Forgiveness he says, is repenting for failing to love.

I, having been the one that offended my friend and need the forgiveness, have been living in a somewhat prison. Not knowing how to fix the offense and praying for the offended, I have sometimes been angered at the lack of forgiveness extended. I realized I am just as guilty by holding the party responsible for not forgiving and need to indeed just love her more.

Phew, that was a lot to take in.

Pleading my case...Dr. Seuss Style

I have felt the last few weeks that there is a gianormous (is that a word?) purpose to my heartache of the last few months. I have begged and pleaded for relief of the symptoms of the pain. But just like a person with a broken leg, it can't be fixed with a mere band aid.

And then the book Green Eggs and Ham came to mind. Everything I have been learning has been centered around concepts that to me are a little foreign, a little different looking, and definitely hard to want to swallow.

Just like in the book Green Eggs and Ham, where Sam I Am, chases an unknown character around trying to convince him to eat of green eggs and ham, God has done the same thing with me. Interesting to note here too, that Sam's name has "I Am" in it. Indeed God has done it to several people, chase them trying to get them to try something that looks different. He is doing the same for me and guess what? I like green eggs and ham!

My friend, whose friendship I have been discussing in this forgiveness blog, was done. Done with our friendship, done with loving, done with fighting, done with forgiving, done with trying, done with putting the effort in, done with working. And really, I can't say that I blame her much. I was tired of all the above too.

However, we were both wrong, as were all the peripheral people involved, such as family members. What am I saying? It is often heard that if you have an unhealthy relationship, whether with a friend, family member, acquaintance, etc. that you should do whatever you can, to get out of it. I am learning that is wrong! Just like Sam I Am finally ends up convincing the unknown character to try the unfamiliar food, so God sometimes is trying to get us to try the unfamiliar methods of love, forgiveness, and healing. The unknown character at the end of the book is delighted and satisfied when he finally tries Sam I Am's green eggs and ham.

Is there a better way than the road that's been taken with my friend and I? I believe so. I think that we are taking the easy road out. Let me explain why. Doing the best with the one sided perspective that I have in this case, I have to make some assumptions.

I am assuming that the questions that we would have had to address in repairing a friendship that was as deep as ours, and as damaged as ours, would have been very difficult. Some of the questions she may have had to face would have been, "Can I do anything more than I've done already? Can this get any better? Will we ever be able to stop hurting each other? Is there any hope that she will let me heal and move forward healthily? Is there a middle ground that we will both be happy in? Is there a way we can keep the good in our friendship and weed out the hurt and rehashing? Can God step in and help?" I too have had very similar questions although a few slightly different. But none of those matter.

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple." - Dr. Seuss

The solution was and still is so easy. LOVE! As I have been learning, love is God's way. It is the easiest, quickest, most healing, righteous way to following God's directive and moving forward. You see, even though you may be suffering while you love someone, that is the example the Savior set for us, think Gethsamene or Resurrection. You see, if we are all truly brothers and sisters in the spiritual sense, then our devotion to each other and working things out through love should be priority. When the Savior suffered for our sins, He didn't say, "Okay, you hurt me I need some space from you and time to heal." No, in fact, He saw a greater need to love us. He begs us to draw closer to him. Whole other blog post coming on this....

Bottom line is Try the Green Eggs and Ham, they are delish! Loving a person through the greatest sorrow brings the greatest joy.

Underdog to the rescue...

So a couple of weeks ago, my preschool class and I were saying the Pledge of Allegiance. As we got to the part that says, "one nation under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all," one little boy fell to the ground laughing. He is the cutest thing ever and when I asked him what was so funny he replied,  "Miss Heather you said 'Underdog' in the pledge. You know like Underdog to the rescue."

So I thought that was pretty funny till he topped it today with a belly laugh that shook my house. We got to the same line in the pledge and again he busted up.  I asked him what happened and he shook his head in wonder and said, "Miss Heather, you just did it again and said Underdog, when is he coming to bring justice for all."

Super cutie! I'm fully aware that blogging about this did not come across as funny as it was in class, so just go with me on this and give a little chuckle.

The Lorax Wisdom

 "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 

nothing is going to get better...it's not."

Last night was insightful and inspiring. As I drove my daughter to meet up with her carpool for soccer, I decided that tonight was the perfect night to get some shopping for Christmas and some shopping for preschool supplies done. But seriously...God has me on a mission right now.

I first stopped at Hobby Lobby and after wandering the store aimlessly for 30 minutes, I left empty handed. It was interesting to note that no one had the Christmas cheer in that store. There was the mom with a crabbiness settled on her face dragging a bored teen around, a husband and a wife arguing about how much longer they would stay, a grandma on a mission with a shopping cart...watch out! The Christmas Spirit just did not seem present there.

My next stop was a book store. As I walked in the doors a nice gentleman held the door for me and greeted me kindly. I looked aimlessly around this store for the perfect gift, for a few of my loved ones, to no avail.  Being that I still had another hour before it was time to go get my daughter, I settled in a chair with a few books to flip through. 

I spotted a book called Falling to Heaven by James Ferrell, an author I have enjoyed in the past. I read the first chapter and it sounded interesting based on where I am in my life right now. Which is not a good place people! I'm hurting right now, ugh! I will pick myself up as I always do, but my state of mind needed the balm offered in this book. As I scanned quickly through the pages, I came upon a chapter about forgiveness. Well, you know me, I'm on a forgiveness kick right now. 

Low and behold, there it was in black and white. The biggest "aha" moment of my journey. My justification, rationalization, reassurance, and biggest kick in the teeth I've had. Huh? Well, you see, Ferrell talks of forgiveness and uses a story to illustrate how quickly kids forgive and forget and get back to loving almost instantaneously. He then uses a story about his own marriage where he and his wife both struggled to forgive the other. Then he makes the point that sucker punched me in the gut! He said that offering forgiveness is just repenting that you have failed to love. 

Now let that sink in for a minute. When you "forgive" someone you are just admitting that you have been failing in the interim to love them through the hurt. Ferrell then goes on to point out that the Savior, who we are all trying to be like, never took time away from loving us and wanting to help us home despite the pain and suffering we inflicted on Him. This comes full circle to the Lorax wisdom. Unless we care about our brothers and sisters so much to put our ego and hurt aside, nothing is going to change and we will miss out on the opportunity to do what the Savior did, love them home.

Yep that gave me all the ammunition I needed to reinforce the idea that my ego needed, that my friend and her family are wrong to be ignoring me and my kids. They are wrong to not be loving us even more than before, since we are just struggling. Shouldn't matter the hurt we have inflicted on each other, we should all be loving each other extra through it. So....they are wrong, wrong, wrong! Right?

That's when it hit me! I was wrong.  I have been so focused on wishing and hoping that they would see this truth, that I didn't even see it myself. My responsibility is to not worry about the hurt and damage I feel they caused but to love them more, repent that I have not been loving them and to stand with the fellowship of the unashamed once more. 

Holy Cow! Now that was an "aha" take away. Needless to say, I went to one more store after the book store and came away empty handed there too. Christmas shopping here I come today.

Some truth....Ugh I hate getting down and dirty with my shadow

Shadows, or the dark side of every human being, are something we all try and hide.  I'm not anymore. Standing firm in my desire to be one who can join the ranks of the fellowship of the unashamed...I am embracing my shadows, realizing they are what make me who I am. I will post my discoveries about my shadows and how they have propelled me into my new frame of thinking.

Over the last few weeks, I have been typing and researching and looking for answers. I was devastated at the losing of a friend I never thought in a million years would happen. She promised me on the very first day if I opened up to her, she would never leave me. Wrong, she did! And it was a good thing actually because I never would have discovered all of this information and tools about loving that I have  these last two weeks.

Now if you have not been hiding under a rock and have a teenager that uses facebook, you may have seen that the teens are into posting what are called "truth is" posts.  This basically means that if you want a friend to comment on your board, they have to tell you a truth. Well, here is my truth...I originally started this blog for all the wrong reasons.  I thought that if I wrote about forgiveness my friend would see the light and realize that what she was doing was wrong and unacceptable to God.  But an interesting thing happened...I began to see I was changing. I was the one who needed to see. My research and thoughts and feelings were all changing for the good. My intentions were wrong at first, it was not out of love but for a call to love.

Now another big "aha" moment. In my searching and praying and pondering I have found the secret to life. Where my friend looked at our "in the grand scheme of the eternities, really small, problem" as an end all to our friendship, she missed out on one of the coolest opportunities that could have existed. Needless to say, I won't let this opportunity for love and change go by the wayside. It is told in the scriptural story of Adam and Eve that without partaking of the fruit, Adam and Eve would not have had any joy because they didn't know sorrow, they couldn't do good for they knew no sin. Taking that concept, which is a universal law of opposites, then my friend and I should have been able to experience more joy and happiness in our friendship than most because we knew of the sorrow and heartache.

From all of the research and learning that I have done and gone through, I have learned that a lot of my dark shadows from my past are what interfered with my relationship with my good friend.  Bless her heart she tried. I have many insecurities from my past that I let affect my behaviors.  However, the good news is now, I recognize them and embrace them as part of me. I'm glad for the experiences I have had and the shadows I have because they make up the duality of me.  Because I can be all that and a bag of chips too! Yummy!

Forgiveness...Part 2

Forgiveness...

Disclaimer: This post is a little disjointed at the time, so many concepts are pouring out that my "flow jo" just isn't here. However, the principles presented are still true.

Sometimes, there are other things in life that bring us to wanting to make things right. Maybe, you are at the age in your life, where you don't want to look back with regrets. Maybe you are sick and don't have a lot of time left, maybe you are racked with torment, or just plain tired of holding on to things that don't need to be. Whatever is motivating you to forgive someone or seek forgiveness from someone, go with it.

I know it's hard.  I'm living it right now. But I am at that point, where I don't want to have one more day, where I regret not letting someone know how much I love them.

If the bar is set at forgiveness is necessary, I'm going to raise it by saying forgiving and forgetting is necessary. I am going to make a case against the ever popular saying, "I can forgive but I can't/won't forget."

"True forgiveness is unconditional and not predicated on any act or request from the offender. The type of forgiveness discussed here is intended to free you from the impotent rage, depression, and despair that nursing a grievance causes. Stop saying "I forgive, but I won't forget". When you have that attitude, you truly did not forgive. One day it will get easier when you practice these principles in this article and when you finally have a backflash, you will simply smile and say..."Thank you Lord". Our experiences we have are to actually make us stronger and allows us to grow."

In referencing Jesus Christ and his suffering and forgiveness example it was said in a talk,

"How could He forgive His tormenters at that moment? With all that pain, with blood having fallen from every pore, still He was thinking of others. This is yet one more amazing evidence that He really was perfect and intends us to be also. In the Sermon on the Mount, before He stated that perfection is our goal, He gave something of a last requirement. He said all must “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44)."

I will look up the quote to give proper credit, I just copied and pasted, sorry! But the point is, would we want our Lord "to forgive us but not forget?"

Do you want to look back on your life with not a lot of time left, and regret and have remorse, that you wasted all that time you could have spent building each other and lifting each other, and instead hung on to that anger, malice, and hatred. Or maybe you have told yourself, "I forgive them but I am not going to step in that place again and open up for hurt." Wrong answer! It's our duty to see each person's story. Look at their hurt, look at their call for love. Remember whatever isn't love is a call for love. 

My responsibility, as I go through the lessons of forgiveness, is to forgive, ask to be forgiven, and to open my heart for move love.

If we are to have unity, there are commandments we must keep concerning how we feel. We must forgive and bear no malice toward those who offend us. The Savior set the example from the cross: ‘Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do’ (Luke 23:34). We do not know the hearts of those who offend us.”

I can't control whether or not someone else is accepting of my plea for forgiveness, or the forgiveness I extend, but I do not want to look back and wish I had not wasted time on such emotions that give rise to contentious feelings. I want to look back and say, "I learned a lot, and I made mistakes, but I did everything in my power to make things right."

My friend's grandma recently expressed her regret after having a heart attack at the age of 90. Grandma A said, "I wish I hadn't let all that time pass without communicating with so and so." So as my friend told me this story she said she didn't want to look back when she was 90 and have the same regret.

I don't want to look back next week and have those thoughts. I don't want to wish I had treated anyone with less love than God's love. Then, when I am at death's door no matter how soon it comes, I won't regret that I made the efforts. But really the real reason is because I want to love.

A little sense of humor for searching for answers...

I saw this pic above and thought of a cute little story that goes along with it.  I have been going through some "personal development," also known as trials, as of late and have turned to some serious soul searching and prayer.  I was reminded that not only do I need to lighten up a little and enjoy the simple things in life, but reminded of this in a "God has a great sense of humor sort of way."

I was sitting in a room of faith that others were also in when what I thought was one of the biggest miracles of my life.  I was praying intently and listening for answers. For often times, throughout my spiritual upbringing I have heard that it is important for us to listen physically for an answer to our prayers and that often we don't stop and listen.

On this particular day, I prayed with an earnest desire that I might know the intent of God's will for me.  After I closed my prayer, I sat and listened as well as I could.  That is when it happened.  I heard with my physical ears "a still small voice."  As I strained to hear what it was God wanted of me, I searched my heart and could only hear the faint mumbling. It was sure a "still small voice" I thought.  That is when I turned my head for a brief second and saw a man out of the corner of my eye praying out loud. What? Yes, you read that right, my answer from God was actually an old man praying.

I had a good little chuckle about that experience all the way home.

Missing My Friend...

My heart goes out to the families of all the victims and those touched by the tragedy in Connecticut.

The Sun Never Says

dedicated to my God Ordained best friend

Even

after

all this time

the sun never says to the earth,

“You owe me.”

Look

what happens 

with a love like that —

It lights the whole world.

Given the events of today, I felt it prudent and inspired to look at the blessings I have in my life.  I will admit, I have been in a living hell as of recently. However, it's all in how I look at it.  Something's changing in me.

I am not going to hide my intentions, desires, weaknesses, or anything else anymore out of fear of what people might think or if they think this is too heavy, or Heather's a sap, or she's talking out of both sides of her mouth.  I am going with the Fellowship of the Unashamed with my purpose in life.

As I was talking with a good friend today telling her my horrible thoughts all fear based, I said to something that may have passed her ears but did not pass mine. I didn't even realize what I was saying until I said it.  I said, "I know my purpose in life."  What? Me the screw up? The one who has not done anything right in 39 years of being on this earth? (At least that's how I have felt at times.) Wow, what a moment. However, that doesn't mean that I'm steady in my footing yet. I'm still struggling with fear based thoughts that take over at times and are very scary.

However, for today, let me say how grateful I am for the love I was able to experience from my  friend, her family, and all those who came into our lives because of them. My friend was the muse for the poem, serving endlessly without any expectations. She taught us the value of serving and her entire family supported this value with their actions as well.

I am grateful we were recipients of their kindness and their example. 

Stop it already!

In the words of Uchtdorf:

This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

Stop it!

I have been working really hard on learning everything I can about forgiveness and boy do I have a doozy of a post coming up on what I am learning; the good, the awesome, and the awesomest about forgiving. I will be telling my story and journey into the battlefield of the soul that talks of forgiveness and requires the walk of forgiveness. I am going to get really courageous and tell what I learned from trying to "keep secrets" and why I will be talking my story now. I have learned through this whole spiritual journey that I am weak, I falter, but I will keep the course till I have found forgiveness and love.

Until then, just do what Uchtdorf's saying says!

Take that Jerk!!!

So this ties in with my previous post on forgiveness and why it is hard. You see, yesterday I took a step backward in my spiritual quest to find forgiveness for myself and my bff of the last few years. I gave in to my EGO! Yup, it lurked it's ugly head, and it felt good. You see in the severing of our friendship, each person's ego was taking over.  She had to be the one more hurt or I had to be the one more wronged.  It was silly and stupid.  However, we let satan, or the shadow if  you prefer, take over and our EGO's ruined the friendship. Neither party could take a step back and see the other's point of view and love and have compassion on them. Well, last night, my ego had had it.  I wrote her an email of several of the instances where she wronged me. It searched and searched to see what I had done wrong in the friendship and it couldn't find anything (imagine that, my EGO not seeing I had any fault in her reactions of these past 2 weeks.) In fact my ego was screaming, "Take that Jerk!" It wanted her to wake up and feel the pain she caused. Then I learned a beautiful lesson and some questions as well.

First the lesson learned...

I met my friend right after my husband of 17 years left. Her husband had just left them too. She came into my life divinely and god sent. According to Deepak Chopra, there are no coincidences in life. Becky called me on Feb. 10, the same day I have had 6 of my 9 miscarriages. She called out of the blue and it was a friendship sealed by His hand.

The main light bulb moment that you are going to read here is paraphrased from Everyday Grace. What I learned last night is sometimes when we are in immense pain, we look to other people to fix us.  We are tempted to enter into friendships looking to find ourselves. When we look for another to complete us, we doom any chance of the friendship lasting because we are looking it to be what it's not. When one or both are not in touch with who they are the parties behave in a way that repels each other. Healing our inner self is a prerequisite to healthy relationships.

Being adopted and having a few other traumas in life,  I went through my life creating the drama in my relationships with others. Feeling in many ways abandoned by others, I tried to be received by others as I got older. I did stupid stuff for attention to be loved and accepted. But I didn't know how to accept others in my life, because I didn't have that pattern in my life. Others would end up feeling rejected by me because I didn't know how to accept their love, and then you could just put in the rinse and repeat cycle.

I need to quote word for word out of the book on this part because it is so important...

"It took more than a rational analysis to interrupt that pattern. It could not be broken by finding another person who would finally, ultimately accept me fully.  That could not and would not happen until first, I repaired my own underlying wound by learning to accept myself. I learned that I am received by God, and that my job is to help others feel as welcomed by me as we are welcomed by Him. Love is the miracle of a rewired heart, as our relationship with Him redeems our relationships with others."

Oh yah, so for my question...why when the ego takes over does it feel so good if it's so wrong?

My other friend asked me what I want out of all this with my bff.  I explained to her I wasn't sure. But, I am sure, I want the God ordained friendship that was meant to be before the EGO's stepped in. To wrap this up for my one person that reads this blog, my EGO took over last night and instead I should have redeemed my relationship with God, so He can redeem my friendship with her. People have their free agency and yet, I wanted to shove in her face her wrongs so that she would see how wrong she was, when in fact, I can't force her to see anything.  My job is to become the light I see in myself and let God take over the rest. He is the God of miracles, so in a weird way, I know if I work on me, we will be friends.

Yah easier said than done, I can't have a twinkie anymore either.

Forgiveness Series...Part 1

Tis the Season for forgiveness right? Sometimes saying you forgive someone is actually easier than doing it. Whether that someone is yourself, a friend, a spouse, a child, a co-worker, or a stranger, it is required of us to forgive, and forgive fully.

The purpose of doing a series on Forgiveness is so that I am held accountable to my journey to the path of forgiveness. I read through a lesson titled "Of You It Is Required to Forgive" late last night, along with some readings from A Course In Miracles and a book called "Everyday Grace." I have to say my mind is there. The readings make sense, now if I could just get my heart to do them, right? 

So I started thinking, what are the root causes of not forgiving.  Since God is forgiving, then we should be more apt to forgiving for we are made in His image. Here is a list of why it is sometimes hard to forgive...

-requires humility

-requires not being right at times

-requires not seeking justice

-requires not giving credit or paying attention to feelings that don't matter

-requires effort

-requires seeing innocence in those we felt wronged by

And let's be honest, this is just the start of why forgiveness is hard and said in no plainer terms...it's hard! You see, a lot of the qualities, if not all, come from our ego and not from our Spirit.  Our heart wants us to forgive, our ego doesn't. 

I know that is a little tiny overview but we will dive more and more into the subject as the days go by. This way we can dive into the greater meat and potatoes (why do we use this term??? makes me think of my dad, lol) of the books and minds that have explored forgiveness and digest them fully.

Say No to Crack!

We've all grown up with the image of the plumber showing a little crack right? Well, being a preschool teacher, I often get the opportunity to partake in some of the offering of crack.

I have one little boy who, due to his body shape, shows a considerable amount of crack a considerable amount of time. He is the cutest thing ever. One day during circle time, I bent over to pick something up off of the ground, when I heard the cutest belly laugh eh-verrrrrr!  It rumbled with pure joy. In fact, he actually fell on the floor with legs extended in the air, all the while chuckling.

When I asked the boy what happened, he replied, "Miss Heather, I just saw your underwear." As I thought about the irony of the situation, I reached over and hugged my little friend and laughed with him.

And for those who read my post on "underroos," yes, this is the same little boy.  Love him!

Yummy Chocolate for Christmas Time!

CHOCOLATE CHIP BUNDT CAKE
1 Duncan Hines chocolate cake mix 4 eggs 1 (8 oz.) container sour cream 1 box chocolate instant pudding 1/2 c. Wesson oil 1/2 c. water 1 (6 oz.) pkg. chocolate chips Mix all ingredients except chocolate chips. Fold in chips. Place in greased and floured Bundt pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour. Invert cake when cool or will crack on top.

What is not love is a call for love...

Got Waders? We are going in deep again. 

Yesterday was a rough day, my kids didn't really know how to be at their grandma's viewing. And it made me start thinking. Having a lot of free Sunday time now, lends to too much thinking.

Anywhoo...my ex, who left approximately 2.5 years ago has taken the brunt of the blog post title.  What is not love, is a call for love.  Occasionally my kids react, push, and are just plain mean to him at times.  And really from their perspective, how can  you blame them?  But that's just it, it's from their perspective.  But as I thought about this yesterday, really they are not not loving him, they are just calling for his love.  They were hurt and damaged and are calling out to him asking for him to love them more, understand them, and explain to them.  They want his love, not to reject his love.

Are you still with me? Or did I lose you at "yesterday was a rough day" with boredom?

In the case of me, one of the reasons I am going through the loss of a friendship is because I was mean and disrespected my best friend.  I exploited her perceived weaknesses to her to make her feel guilty, I was reacting out of fear.  For instance, I felt as though she was abandoning me and so I pointed out something she did wrong, or how she was negligent in listening, or how she didn't care.  What I learned was that I wasn't loving her, I was calling for love.  When this light bulb goes off for you, it will change everything as it did for me. 

I cannot go back and undo the hurt between my kid's dad or my friend and I, but I can take this lesson and learn from it.  If we can start asking for the love we want or need instead of demanding it through actions, we may be free from the fear and have all the love we want.

Take Gargamel. Yep that smurf character we all love to hate. He is the sworn enemy to the smurfs. He is an evil wizard who does many evil things with limited power. He works out of fear. He is obsessed with the smurfs and goes between trying to eat them or destroy their village. 

But what Gargamel was really doing was asking for love. Sometimes the behavior we abhor or detestl in others or ourselves is just a call for love. Because what is not love is a call for love. Having compassion and forgiveness for people who act like this, is what will heal the world. 

Celine Dion is my favorite!

I love Celine and had the chance to see her in June. I don't know, call it weird or whatever, but I have always felt a connection through her music!

This is one of her songs for Christmas and I love the line "without any fear." This is because fear is where all darkness stems from. Fear of hurt, loss, fear of security, etc. So to have a Christmas built on love and light vs. fear and darkness would be amazing! 

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Christ is first in Christmas!

Thought this was great for the Christmas season! People, just follow the first epistle of John 4 and love people! I'm saying this to myself too : )

Hatfields and the McCoys

Tonight, was crazy! I have to say that I have been taken off guard, hit over the head with the ugly stick. What I mean by that is I have been doing so well with trying to heal from my best friend and I going separate ways. It has been hard but I have been really practicing what I preach. Tonight I feel a little down because I stepped into the shadow. I was right there with Annikan Skywalker when he walked to the dark side.

The Hatfields and the Mccoys are the famous two families that started as friends and ended as warring neighbors. Murders, accusations, and all forms of fear were present in their relationship at the end.

Lucy, you have some esplainin to do! A quick recap of the story about my relationship with my friend. My two kids and I were welcomed into my best friends family with open arms. I met her shortly after my separation with my husband. Her husband had left her the year prior. Their family was understanding and took us in. They invited us on family trips, they invited us to Sunday dinners, they embraced and loved us. My kids were grandkids to my friends parents, I was sister to her sisters. So that is the level of consideration to be had when hearing the situation.

Ok, so here is what happened tonight. My son had a soccer game at the local recreation center. For the last 3 weeks at the games my friend's sister has avoided us at the games. I have to be honest and say that I haven't minded. It has hurt my feelings but I would rather avoid them than have a confrontation. So as we walked into the gym her sister was walking out. So I took the path of least resistance and did an about face and turned to go around the court away from her.  She then yelled across the court "Hi Heather, Hi Kylie, Hi Danielle"  pretty loud so that me, my daughter, and my friend were taken aback. I'm disappointed in myself because I read her "hi's" as mocking. In my mind, she was making the point of saying hi so I wouldn't tell her sister she avoided us again. My daughter and Danielle had no problem turning around and saying "hi" really big back but I just threw my arm in the air and did a quick wave. But....tomorrow is another day to meet my goal of love.

Here is where I am disappointed in myself. I have been learning that nothing in the past even matters. We only have the time in the now. I should not have looked to her past behavior and assumed anything. It's about love, it's about love, right? I just feel bad that I didn't follow the advice from Marianne's book that says when someone chooses to withhold their love or has forgotten love, they've fallen asleep to who they are, our duty is to remain awake and love! She then says, "The perception of someones innocence is a choice we make, based not on our opinion of them, but on our knowledge of God."

I will love them as God does. We will not be the Hatfield and the McCoys.

And now deep thoughts...

"If you are ever caught in a fire try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what will really throw you into a panic." - Jack Handy

If you were a child of the 70's-90's you may be familiar with Saturday Night Live's skit "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy." They were funny little sayings like the one above that would confound your brain for a moment and then make you smile. Well, we are going in deep for this post, I hope you come out smiling.

There is no problem on Earth that cannot be solved, demonstrated in our love for each other, with the power of God's love.  This is where miracles are born.  I told you this was going to be heavy. Grrr! Sorry, I had full intentions of writing some post on where did the cereal Count Chocula and Boo Berry go, and then it hit me...I had to post about MIRACLES. Call it God's intervention, holiday season, or whatever you might, but welcome to my brain.

Now sit with me for a moment and bring just your heart to the table. If God is everywhere which He is, then He is in you. If He is in you, then you are love for we already know God is love. Where love is, miracles are bound to happen. So have you asked for your miracle yet? In Everyday Grace by Marianne Williamson, she brings up the Fairy Godmother in Cinderella. She points out that the Fairy Godmother works with what she has.  She makes the carriage from a pumpkin, she did not call a limo service, she turned rags into a ballgown and did not use Saks Fifth Avenue. She illuminated the divine within. This is the key, love from within us opens the doors to miracles.  Williamson then makes the point, "When we forget that we are love, we forget to love."

In my recent trial of losing a friendship, I was caught up in anger, blame, and hatred. I didn't yet understand that it presented the greatest opportunity for a miracle. I realized that she and I had been caught up in fear and we had forgotten who we are because we are love. We forgot to love each other. If love existed then fear would not have taken over and destroyed the possibilities for a lifetime enduring friendship. But you see, that's not where the story ends, it can still happen. Forgiveness is love. We cannot stand passive and think it is enough to say we love someone. Action in the form of forgiveness, conviction in the form of service, and duty to mend hearts can and will bring miracles. I could not order a new friend out of a catalog or force my friend to want to work on repair and rebuilding our friendship. It hit me like a ton of bricks, I had to change me and that changed everything.

My miracle came during the hardest trial, I learned to actively love. I am learning compassion and forgiveness and most of all that I am love.  It is a privilege to be a part of miracles, to have God with me, to love as He would, to be embracing of all love. This is a far step from who I was a week ago with feelings of revenge, hate, sabotage, hurt, and despair.  These were fear based emotions. Now I understand who I am. I will work from the heart not my head. So this holiday season, I have my miracle. I hope to have new ones each day! I realize this post was a little erratic in the flow and understanding due to my excitement and discovery of what I have experienced and is commonly referred to as a "change in heart."

Wrapping this post up, I make reference to the deep thought at the top of this post. I had to look in the mirror after having been in the fire and I did panic at what I saw.  However, I learned that fear is not the answer, seeing love, acting on love, and being love is the answer.

Underwear that's fun to wear...

Time to lighten this blog up a little! I teach preschool and most of the time I'm like "hot dog I love my job!" Occasionally, however, my day is turned a little sideways due to the environment the kids create and I'm like "hot diggity dog, I REALLY love my job."

On one particular day a couple of weeks ago...the class was a little more wound up than usual due to one of the first snowfalls of the season. The kids get about a 10-15 min free time each class period. This free time, I actually needed it! Let's just say that Bob Harper's advice on drinking all that water in one day, hit it's peak point.  I went in to use the restroom and as I'm sitting on the throne of the water closet, I look down and see a pair of little boys underwear.

I quickly try and recall who had used the potty that morning and had narrowed it down to 3 boys. As I went into the classroom the culprit had been caught. By the slide, was a little cutie patootie who I will leave anonymous to protect him from his future wife and kids harrassment, lol! Anyway, as I looked over at him, he was bent over showing what we term as "crack." Yes, the culprit was caught redhanded because as he bent over there was not any underwear to be found.

I called him over into the bathroom to inquire if the underwear on the floor was indeed his and he said "yes."  I looked at him and with a smile asked if he would like to put them back on.  To which he put the biggest grin on his face and said with a laugh, "Miss Heather, I don't like to wear underwear." So being taken off guard a little I asked him if he would like to put them in his backpack.  To which he replied with a bigger grin on his face, "Miss Heather, underwear don't belong in backpacks silly." Wow, my bad!

So he proceeded to take the underwear and place them in the middle of the classroom and went back to playing. Another little boy then noticed the underwear lying there and said, "his underwear in the middle of the floor is unpropriate, it's embarrassing me."

I giggled my way to the underwear and discreetly placed them in the backpack. When his mom came to pick him up that day, I shared with her what happened and she explained he likes to go "commando" or without underwear.  That's when it occured to me he should have been born in the 70's when we had "Underroos" because they were the "underwear that's fun to wear."

Doing the right thing...

Sometimes doing the right thing, stinks!  I am almost 40 years old and I still act like I'm three at times. Grrrrr! I want to throw the tantrum when I don't get the candy.  Why is this? Well, let me tell a little story, but first, I need to give you the background.

I was at home one Sunday watching the OWN network. Yes, Oprah Winfrey's Network. I have not been a huge fan of Oprah during her daytime talkshow years but I did appreciate her show when a good guest or topic was on.  So I was not what you would call an Oprah Groupie by any means. I was watching an episode of Change My Life with Iyanla or someone.  The topic was on how secrets destroy people and families.  It was really interesting. But during one of the breaks, Oprah mentioned a man named Deepak Chopra, and my life has now changed.

I want to share a few nuggets of inspiration that I have been learning from him. First, he offered a free 21 day meditation course which I hesitantly signed up for, but hey it was free right? I've never meditated previously and didn't know a whole lot about it. But as I did the first couple of meditations I was mesmerized by the beautiful words he was saying before each meditation. They rang a chord of truth through to my soul.  And yes, I realize totally that I'm posting very heavy for my second post. Sorry no shootin' bull here. Straight up talk only.

Well, I went to the local library and looked up some of his books.  I have recently gone through a falling out with a friend that threw me for a loop. So when I saw his book called "The Happiness Prescription" I thought I would give it a try. We were going to Las Vegas for a soccer tourney for the Thanksgiving weekend and I thought it would be good if I took the 4 days to work on my spiritual self and see where I was so off in my feelings.  While at the library I also saw that he co-authored a book called "The Shadow Effect."  The books changed my life almost instantly. 

Basically, I learned that doing the right thing is innate in us as we are born in LOVE. God, your Higher Power, or whatever you want to call your Creator, is LOVE.  When we are acting in love, no darkness, no shadow, no fear can exist.  Okay, please pull your head from the porcelain king known as the toilet and stop puking at how incredibly sappy and deep this post is, but it's true!

I am struggling to see, in the closest friendship I've had, that has grown so ugly that I wasn't wronged very deeply.  I am struggling with ugly, dark, anger, blaming, and mean feelings towards how my so-called best friend could let me sit here and suffer.  Then the answer came to me...She isn't!  She loves me just as much as she always had despite her behaviors because she is good and she is love.  She is from God.  It was my dark shadows that let me project my guilt, hurt, and anger and not have compassion for her and recognize all the beautiful things she gave to me and my kids. (more on that later).

Okay, I realize that I just posted some really vague impressions of some deep concepts and just lost all 2 readers of this blog in complete fog and boredom.  But if you stick with me, you will see, the answers are there for the taking. So for now, even if I want to throw the tantrum, I'm going to do the right thing.

My Purpose...

Here is a little bit of honesty from me...I have felt entirely like a waste of human flesh for nearly 40 years. Yes, I am approaching that milestone in age. Ugh!

My entire life I felt like a screw up or a big failure. On the outside it looked like I was doing okay, successful, college graduate, honor student, but when it came to living the laws and principles of Jesus Christ and God or the Cosmic being or anything you want to name your higher power, I was failing!

One day my purpose slapped me upside the head.  And here I am blogging.  I'm not funny, I'm not a good writer, but hopefully I can pass on insight from my mistakes and my successes and my little finds of joy and you can find something you might like in here.

I know I am weird and different, but there is a plan for me.  The Cosmic universe needs me, I belong, I fit, I can contribute and give.  I am here. And I love life.