I am majorly discouraged! You see, no matter how hard you try, people still have their free agency. Sometimes, this is discouraging. When my ex husband left, he had his free agency. I could not stop him from doing so. No amount of prayer, fasting, or talking could take away his free agency. We did, however, have to learn to live with the consequences of his free agency; changes in lifestyle, income, family management, emotional management, etc. came.
With my recent experience of my friend leaving, same thing. I cannot take her free agency away and make her want to be apart of my life or my kids lives. We just need to learn to live with the consequences of her choice. Interestingly enough, she had weaved herself more into our lives than even my ex husband and so we are feeling more consequences to her choice than when he left. We are feeling the effects in changes in lifestyle, income, family management, emotional management, time management, etc. And like with my ex, no amount of prayer, fasting, or talking can take away her free agency either.
So why am I discouraged? I think because you see what could have been if both were on the same page, for the same outcome. God's outcome. Divinely placed friendships should be centered in what God's outcome is and then the two work towards that. But you can't force others to see that sometimes, and it's DISCOURAGING! It's also discouraging because sometimes you KNOW in your heart the world's answer of if it's unhealthy walk away, is not always God's way. Just as He would never walk away, maybe we should see a new path of walking towards Him and let Him lead you to healthy. Because I see this so well now, like the phrase "my eyes are open" it's a strong righteous desire. But I can't choose that for someone else.
I worked really hard these last few weeks on trying to bring God into the solution. I am not a quitter, and I don't give up. I still see the possibilities of a beautiful friendship. As I read the book Falling to Heaven this week, I learned a great many lessons. First, I was trying too hard to seek her forgiveness and not hard enough seeking the Lord's forgiveness. I needed to repent more rather than seek forgiveness more. What I am saying is, I was focused too much on wanting her back in our life than I was on fixing the issues that would create the space for that. Second, I am to love her regardless if she ever comes around again or not. Third, I have an obligation to her for the rest of my life now to help her. I could keep going on and on with all of the great nuggets I got out of this book, but it didn't take the pain away!
I went and visited a long time friend yesterday when he heard I was struggling. He said to me, "eight years from now do you still want to be chasing a friend who doesn't want to be apart of your life?" As I thought about his question, I knew my response immediately. Absolutely not! I don't want to be chasing a friend who doesn't want to be apart of our lives, but I will love a friend whether or not they want to be apart of our lives. It is a privilege to be apart of my kids' love and lives, and mine as well, if it's not viewed that way, then who am I to want to force someone back in. And that means we are a privilege even with our weaknesses.
Closing this post up, sometimes it can be discouraging not having control over others, haha, or sometimes when others hurt and even leave you, but discouragement is temporary if repentance is priority. I had an overwhelming feeling come over me the other night that I have done all that I can in trying to make amends and repair what damage I have caused and that I am to sit back now and wait for God to work the miracle now. I have not told people specifics of the falling out because I want the door open for them to be able to choose if they want back in. I have begun repenting and will continue repenting, have prayed for them and will continue to pray for them, and have opened my heart. Now it's time to turn it over to God while continuing these things.
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