So I originally took my blog off and turned it private because I found out it was bothering my friend that it was up. However, I have kept her anonymity on here through the whole process and feel like it is important to keep blogging for my sanity and health. Plus, I've actually received a few emails putting it back on. Wow, didn't know anyone read my ramblings. My counselor recommended I do this for my mental and spiritual health and despite the fact that I want to respect my friend's wishes, I heal and move on as I express myself through words. She doesn't want to talk about things and won't let me talk about it with anyone, so the anonymous ramblings on the blog are all I have left. So get the pooper scooper out and hang on.
I thought I was doing better and pushing forward through some of the hurt, not so says shame. In keeping with the things I'm learning about vulnerability, this post may be a little long and tmi. (too much info!) But it's where I am.
Today is a big day for me, as I will be poked, stabbed, and undergoing some huge sterile equipment to get to the bottom of a health concern. I feel calm and at ease, like a train is running over my head that's been put in a vice. Needless to say, that may contribute to the feelings of this post.
I have been struggling with certain battles that no one knows of my entire life. My past bff, ya the one that I'm still blabbering on about, was the one person I began opening up to about things, and then she bailed. So I had and have a choice. I can give up or I can fight harder.
I am choosing to fight harder, be more vulnerable, and be human and open with my weaknesses. That being said, I've been scarred and now am scared.
Interestingly enough I had a huge "aha" moment on Friday night. I was getting in the bath and I was reading the Infinite Atonement. I can't even remember what spurred the train of thought I experienced but it was one of those bring you to tears and soak into your heart moments. I was thinking about the huge amount of hurt that my family is experiencing at the hands of my friend and her family. And then it happened....
But first let me back up and give some more details about the story. My friend's family had taken us in, treated us like family, told us they loved us unconditionally and allowed us the privilege of being a part of something greater. We found love, purpose, and opportunities to serve.
We have helped put in sod, we have painted, we have moved people several times, we have helped one of the family member's business by volunteering our time, working for close to nothing, and devoting several hours of time to the development of her business. We have bought my friend a computer, taken her whole family to disneyland, bought her a cruise, and have done many more things for them as well. And to their credit they have done even more than we have for us. This is to point out the closeness of the family. We went to Bear Lake together, we had Sunday dinners together, and we would pray together. For all intents and purposes we were a family.
That being said, everything changed on July 19th 2010 when something happened that would change the outcome of our friendship forever. We would struggle over the next few years with trying to set boundaries, keep kids happy, and stop hurt feelings from rearing their ugly heads.
I was guilty of the following saying...and now she is guilty of the following saying.
She has been
ignoring us since December. In fact, she had her family unfriend my daughter on facebook even though she denies this. Her whole family did. My daughter has not done anything to hurt her or any member of her family, just like my son hasn't either. And to be honest, her kids haven't done anything to contribute to all of this hurt either. It has really been me, her, and her family. (Wow, that was really poor grammar for an English minor). Her family has given us the cold shoulder at soccer games, unfriended us on facebook and told us we are not part of their family and that this would not change. It was extremely hurtful and frustrating. It's frustrating because she is listening to people who only know a little tiny sliver of the story. If then knew the whole story, they would be doing whatever they could to help repair this out of the sheer will of God who wants people to forgive and make things right. They would see that their daughter was a large part of the hurt instead of seeing her as the victim. I think everyone in this situation are victims, if they choose to be that. And right now, in this post, I choose my pity pony ride to Victimville. But don't worry, I will get off in just a minute.
Anyway, along the journey of hurt and sorrow, I learned that everyone is a hypocrite even though their intentions may not necessarily be that. For instance, one of the things that her dad said was that by their fruits you will know them. So I took a look at the "fruits" of our two families before and after the Wipeout episode.
As far as during the friendship goes, I think we both had great fruits on both sides. Each family helped the other. But when the July 19th episode changed the course of the friendship, shame walked in. It brought with it fruits of anger, blame, despair, guilt, depression, hurt, and all things dark. Yes, Satan found his keyhole. He had the key and he walked right in and quietly sat down to observe and let shame work it's path. And he won. He won the battle of separating two families that were designed by God to walk the path together. It feels like he is winning the war too, but only time will tell that.
He made liars out of good people, he made hurt and vengence take the place of compassion and charity. He let anger take the place of caring. He made hypocrites out of every single one of us. My friends dad is on the high council and interestingly enough when two members of his family were in a fight for over a year without speaking to each other, he did all he could to help promote love and forgiveness. He sent out emails and talks to the family about forgiveness, etc. Then he called us family, my kids even called him grandpa and when my pbff and I had our falling out, we were cut off. Yes, satan made a hypocrite out of a loving man. Now let me note here, this is of course coming from my perspective.
He also made a hypocrite out of my pbff. She told me from day one that she would never leave. She did. She told me I could trust her and tell her anything, I can't. She told me things that someone with my issues of abandonment should never have been told. She made promises to my son, she broke them.
I also was made a hypocrite. I put forth an act of kindness and love. I was mean to her. When she went against everything she stood for, I called her out on it. I was wrong. I did it in a way that hurt her. When my ex left I sat with my bishop and he explained to me as it said in Nephi that the "guilty taketh the truth to be hard."
I felt like my pbff was doing exactly what he did. Not taking accountability and dealing with the hurt that was caused.
