President Benson said, "We live, in an age when, as the Lord foretold, men’s hearts are failing them, not only physically but in spirit. (See D&C 45:26.) Many are giving up heart for the battle of life. Suicide ranks as a major cause of deaths of college students. As the showdown between good and evil approaches with its accompanying trials and tribulations, Satan is increasingly striving to overcome the Saints with despair, discouragement, despondency, and depression."
Today is one of the hardest days of the year for me. I have had 9 miscarriages in my life and the majority of the 9 have happened on February 10th. The other ones were on Mother's day, December 27th, and the middle of July sometime.
As if this day wasn't hard enough already, it is also the day that my supposed best friend called me years ago and we forged an instant friendship. I had been laying on the floor crying, while my kids were in school, my husband and I separated at the time, and the phone rang. I didn't answer the phone. I wasn't able to because of the sadness and crying. On this Tuesday, I had no idea that my life was about to change forever. The caller, my bff to be, left a message saying to call her back. I did. I remember the conversation clearly. We talked shortly about how the week was going to be hard because of Valentines Day and she said "maybe you should start doing some things with us, we might go to the movies this week." She had a roommate at the time. Her ex husband had been gone for over a year at this point. I felt that Heavenly Father had divinely placed this person in my life.
That is what makes this day even worse than before. I miss her, I miss her family, and I miss the what could have been if the friendship had developed the way God intended.
Sometimes, I think I would rather forego knowing joy just so I don't have to travel through pain to understand joy more. I am hurting and it, well, hurts.
I have been blessed throughout my life with a few kindred friendships. These friends have proven themselves time and again. They have been my spiritual life preservers. In looking back on my post about not fitting in a box, I made it quite clear, I am probably not the easiest person to love. I come with a lot of baggage. I'm not sure why. Sometimes I feel like my brain just does not work right or work like other peoples brain. That is besides the point. The point is, there is no other blessing that compares to my family and my kindred friendships. They have come at times when I have been drowning spiritually. Which is why I seem so obsessive in this blog about talking about the loss of one of my dear friendships.
That being said, I have been so blessed, even in this most difficult time, with the tender mercy of friendship, bestowed on me from a loving Heavenly Father who knows I am hurting. My friend who cut the communication off, called me on Tuesday of this week. It has been difficult dealing with that to say the least. She expects me not to contact her but she can call me at any given time. Does she not understand the hurt that her ignoring causes? She said she is not ignoring but that she quit life. Well, her dad said she is teaching me a lesson. Whatever the case, when you are not talking to someone who has tried to make amends, you are ignoring.
She called, she said to clarify something about our two sons texting, saying she isn't interfering with a friendship between the two. So she wasn't calling to make things better. I think the reason it was hard to hear from her was because the night before my son prayed for her to soften her heart towards us. She then after calling and talking for 20 minutes went right back to ignoring, after telling me how badly she is doing. The unconditional love and never leaving hope just went out the door again. (I know sob story, feel bad for me)
Anywhoo when I told my son she called that day he said, "see Heavenly Father answers prayers." He is so faithful. He doesn't understand why in this situation forgiveness, the Atonement, and love, can't fix this. I continue to tell him it can, but free agency can't be messed with. She has to choose to want this too, all Heavenly Father can do is support and soften, the person still has to choose.
Okay, back to my post, sorry the tangent...Anyways, my Heavenly Father knows how bad I am hurting and I will do my best to fight through the worse day of the year. I know, I'm riding my pity pony to sad city, right up to the bitter barn. However, on this day of the year, I allow it. I pray my Heavenly Father will once again know how hard the day is and support me the way I need.
Uchtdorf said, "Surrounded by those we love, we will know the meaning of ultimate joy as we progress in knowledge and in happiness. No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations.
The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light."
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