My Safe...Unsafe

Indulge me a little...it's a hard day!

My friend didn't call me on Sunday. The friend that said she wasn't ignoring me on Tuesday who knew that Sunday was the hardest day of the year for me, didn't call me. I used to tell her she was my safe. She's the one person other than my ex husband that I knew I could share my innermost thoughts with. She was the one person who got me to open up about my fears, experiences, and weaknesses. She was my safe. I felt so safe, in fact, that I shared things with her no one else knew about me. Then she left. So she can leave and I have to know that I'm okay and that as much as it hurts, she will lose out on a friend as much as I am. I'm worth the fight. 

I've had a hard day. Suffice it to say that I'm going to indulge myself and get on the pity pony again. Sorry. I'm missing my friend, she always was there when I needed a hug. Good thing my readership is like zero so I can indulge in self pity all I want. That being said, the Lord is still aware of me. I had a friend text me twice today out of the blue and I needed her humor. Sometimes bad news stirs the heart for more growth. Ugh, I'm done with growing. Please stop already.  However that being said, I learned a lot on Sunday from an Oprah show that I've been wanting to talk about.

Patterns repeating are you trying not to repeat patterns. As I was getting ready for church today, Oprah's network happened to be on the TV. It was some guru of hers talking about relationships, whether family, friends, spouses, etc. He basically said that we pick people who can help us break patterns that were established from our childhood hurts. He specifically mentioned the fear of abandonment or being critiqued or being judged. These three factors are found in many childhoods and we generally pick people to be in our life that will help us break the cycles of feeling abandoned, critiqued or judged.  If at anytime in the friendship or marriage, some of these qualities rear their head then we project them onto the other or take them on ourselves. In my case, I was reacting out of fear when I criticized my friend. Fear she would leave, which she did. Fear she didn't love me, which she didn't, fear there's something wrong with me, which there is.

My safe became my unsafe.

But for now I will wait for the next pattern to repeat as God gives me another chance to correct my weaknesses. I know I am all over the place in this post, due to an emotional rant, but it is what it is.

Which leads me to my next blog post of the opposite of love is not hate but fear, which makes us hate, angry, resentful, revengeful, etc.