Build a bigger box...

"They broke the mold when they made you. When someone don't fit into a neat little box, the answer ain't to squeeze them in even harder, you build a bigger box. Shoot God dont make no mistakes and he ain't about to start with you."-- Lines from Joyful Noise

I will never forget the day that my friend who is a social worker, came and sat down on my couch with me to tell me something. Since this blog is all about healing, repentance, forgiveness, and honesty, this is some straight forward truth that is a little hard to admit.

That day my friend approached me, she asked me to sit down.  She said to me, "Heath, I'm going to take a big risk with telling you something." She proceeded to tell me of a patient that she had the previous week who has a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. She then went on to say that she asked the patient what has helped her the most, and she replied that getting a label or a diagnosis for her feelings helped the most. She has the mental illness Borderline Personality according to her. My friend had accidentally thrown out the term the week prior and when I asked her about it, she denied saying it and changed the subject. Then this day as she sat on my couch, she cautiously went about trying to let me know she thought I have Borderline Personality.

What my friend didn't know was that back in June, this was in September, I went to my counselor and we discussed BPD as a label to see if I fit. While I do not fit the criteria of having a full diagnosis, I do have several BPD attributes, tendencies, predisposition, or whatever you want to call it. I have a heavy sided fear of abandonment. The top reasons or environmental factors for BPD are neglect, adoption, abuse, sexual abuse, along with genetic factors. I don't have any genetic info since I'm adopted. Suffice it to say, when I heard the term I thought great it will explain things.

I don't cut, gamble, drink, do drugs, drive crazy, binge eat, impulsive shop, or anything that is common with BPD. That's when my counselor debunked the diagnosis.

However, that being said, I definitely have the fear of abandonment. I have 3 friends who over the years I have placed in a role not fair to them. They all had a spiritual quality about them that I was drawn to. They all had a loving nature and were compassionate beyond measure. They all had a nature that was caring and consoling. I would do anything to get their approval. I loved to be held by these friends (in a platonic, motherly/sisterly relationship sort of way). I would do whatever it took to be loved by these people. For instance, the friend that just ended our friendship, I bought her a computer, paid for most of a 13 day trip for her and her kids, mowed her yard countless times, babysat for her countless times, went above and beyond in several ways. Now, she did the same for me. This isn't a prideful boasting this is to show you the pattern of codependency in my friendships with certain people. With friend number two, I bought them a tv, a trip to disneyland, ran several errands for, and was at her beckon call. As long as these people provided for my physical need of being held, I would go to the ends of the earth for them. It was like an addiction. When I asked my counselor about it, she said my needs stem from my environmental factors and that they are healthy needs if talked about, agreed upon, and acted in a healthy manner.

Phew, because I always felt bad or built wrong because I wanted to be held from certain people. Now let me put this out there!!! I don't like to be held or touched by anyone unless it's one of these friends or a boyfriend type.

Each of the three relationships, I managed to ruin at one point or another. Two of the three friends and I were able to reconcile and in fact we have a better relationship today than ever. I am open and honest with them about my needs, wants, agendas, and how to give back to meet their needs, wants, agendas, etc.

The friendship with my bff however, ended. It ended because I didn't fit neatly into their box. It ended because she and I couldn't do what my counselor suggested and that is to deal with hurt feelings delicately. I would throw my friends weaknesses in her face, hoping to push her away so that she couldn't hurt me. And you know what? I won, right? Didn't I win? I forced her out. Well, winning doesn't feel so good. Her and her entire family she involved, bailed. Now I'm on my pity pony riding to the bitter barn. The tragedy in all of this is the good that God meant for us to be in each other's lives were sacrificed due to selfishness.

The bigger tragedy was the lack of opportunity that God gave us to forgive completely and set our pride aside and have an increased measure of love, like His example. Here is a quote on pride that I love. I used to say to my friend that God is more upset with how we are reacting to the hurt and sin than the sin and hurt in the first place.  I was right because Satan got his power through enmity between my friend and I.

“Pride is a very misunderstood sin. . . .“Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

“The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Just as I am missing out on the many great things about my friend and her family, they are missing out on us and the many wonderful things we brought to their life. All because pride won't let us heal the hurt. I may not fit in the box but I deserve to have a bigger box built for me.