Rebuilding Trust Through Charity

My friend texted me, "Like anything, trust can be rebuilt."  This was after a text I wrote her saying that our friendship had a lack of trust in it. This was within a month of her cutting off all communication. In fact, a few days before cutting communication off, she was showing up at my house and telling me we can do this, we can keep the good in our friendship and just get rid of the bad.

A very tender saying to me is, "One can hardly build a defense against love." I believe this with everything in me for the person who said this to me does not lie, cannot lie, and wants the best for me.

So how do you build trust with someone who is ignoring you? How do you love someone who wants nothing to do with you? The answer is you can't. You can only do what you can, and that is align yourself vertically, meaning look to God in your thoughts, prayers, and actions. You can pray for the other to soften their heart, you can make sure your integrity is aligned with the Lord's will, and you can love the other person in your heart fully. Seeing things from their point of view and respecting their free agency will help you let go of the hurt. Okay, but can trust ever be rebuilt this way?

No, it is important that the parties involved be willing and open to each other in order to re-establish trust. If you are ignoring or being ignored the avenues for rebuilding are shut down. The supplies to build the bridge can't get to the contractors, if you know what I mean. Once the doors to communication are open, be sensitive to each other's needs and hurt. Don't rush in thinking you can go right back where things were and all is good. Give each other the opportunity to apologize, take responsibility, and show their sorrow. Again, remember you offering them forgiveness is just like you apologizing for not loving them in the first place. We all sin, just differently. We have all hurt the Savior but He doesn't hold it against us, He helps us more.

Continue to open lines of communication with the person, allowing for trust to be rebuilt. As trust is rebuilt the pain from past hurt will start to fade and more trust will be allowed in. It will take a lot of positive interactions to outweigh the hurt but focusing on a new start can be the most positive thing you can do for yourself. This will allow you to start to feel safe again with the person that hurt you.

My guess is that neither party likes feeling the way they are. If that is the case, ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to sit in the muck. Open the door for the Atonement to start working. Charity has been defined as the "highest, noblest, strongest kind of love, the pure love of Christ; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with her." (From Pres. Monson's talk Charity Never Faileth) If this be the case, shouldn't we all be shooting to have the pure love of Christ? If you are the offended, does it help you to ignore? Does it help you to shut down emotionally and not extend love to the one that hurt you? Does it help you to hold on to all the injustice? Wouldn't it be easier and less painful to follow the example of Christ and love the offender more? If you are the offender...does it help you to not take responsibility? Does it help you to try and blame the other person? Does it help you to not take responsibility? Wouldn't it be easier and less painful to follow the example of Christ and love the offended more?

President Monson said this in the same talk mentioned above...

I consider charity—or “the pure love of Christ”—to be the opposite of criticism and judging. In speaking of charity, I do not at this moment have in mind the relief of the suffering through the giving of our substance. That, of course, is necessary and proper. Tonight, however, I have in mind the charity that manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient toward their actions, the kind of charity that forgives, the kind of charity that is patient.

I have in mind the charity that impels us to be sympathetic, compassionate, and merciful, not only in times of sickness and affliction and distress but also in times of weakness or error on the part of others.

There is a serious need for the charity that gives attention to those who are unnoticed, hope to those who are discouraged, aid to those who are afflicted. True charity is love in action. The need for charity is everywhere.

Needed is the charity which refuses to find satisfaction in hearing or in repeating the reports of misfortunes that come to others, unless by so doing, the unfortunate one may be benefited. The American educator and politician Horace Mann once said, “To pity distress is but human; to relieve it is godlike.” ¹¹

Yesterday at ward conference our Stake President said we have a choice. We can either listen and do what our prophets say or we can turn the other way and walk. My hope would be that people want to use charity and start rebuilding the bridges of trust so we can help each other home. I know this is easier said than done but aligning with God makes it possible as it's said, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Phillipians 4:13).