Vulnerability...here we go. Ugh, major confessions of a hurt, confused, God fearing and seeking, crazy, emotionally bruised, loving kind of gal.
So my bff of the last 3 years, yeah the one that is no longer talking to me, called me last Thursday. She called me because of something I called her about that had hurt my daughter. The details about that are not important, suffice it to say that she is a wonderful person and has an amazing spirit. The conversation was hard. We talked for close to two hours before my phone died. The point that I am trying to make in a long round about way is that she asked me on the phone what kind of person do I think she is. She said she has integrity. It got me thinking about myself and how being vulnerable is a key indicator of integrity.
Which then my brain turned on and I went deeper into what integrity and being vulnerable means and it's like a light bulb of inspiration turned on in the midst of darkness. Yep it was that kind of moment. You see, being vulnerable takes away all the shells and layers and masks that you think people want to see of you. It is laying out the real you, the one that God knows, it is trusting people with your heart that they are good and loving. It is the exact opposite of what I have been doing. Here is a quote in this months Ensign on Integrity that states how important being vulnerable and real is...
5. Integrity knows no alibis or excuses. There is something ennobling about the man or woman who admits his or her weaknesses and takes the blame square on without excuse or alibi. On multiple occasions Joseph Smith recorded his weaknesses in the Doctrine and Covenants for all to read. This tells us he was not perfect, but it also tells us he had nothing to hide—he was a man of integrity. What does this do for his credibility when he tells the story of the First Vision or the account of Moroni’s visitations? It tells us that we can trust him, that we can believe his every word because he is, indeed, a man of integrity.
I feel I have been pretty open and honest with my weaknesses in this blog, however, here is some more of that spewing of my mouth syndrome that I seem to have. I hurt. I feel abandoned. I hate that I have weaknesses that push others away. I hate that I am not the image I try and portray of tough as nails. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate forgiveness. I hate being sick. Oh and did I say I hate trying to act righteously and forgive? For me it's easier to go off and tell all two readers of you the truth about the people who have hurt me. I have feelings of hate towards me and God at times. I hate my friend and her family at times for the crap she is putting my kids through. I hate that I can't get over this. I hate that she lied to me. I hate that I have lied to her. I hate she said she would never leave and then did. I hate that she wants to know what's going on with me to decide if she should feel guilty. She should either love me or don't but don't base it on what's going on. I hate that no matter how hard I try I can't get rid of these feelings. I hate that I'm obsessive in this hurt. I hate that she didn't mean the things she said to me. I hate that this blog sounds creepy weird because I miss my friend. I hate that I don't have the courage yet to say what really happened. I'm working on that. I hate that these are all my issues. These show my weaknesses and more about me than anyone else.
I push people out of my life and then I freak when they walk. What is that? I want people to hurt when they hurt me or my kids, what is that? Those are my weaknesses. I'm judgemental. What is that? I want attention. What is that? These are my holes, these are my struggles, these are my weaknesses but not who I am. I am a daughter of God with divinity in my spiritual DNA. I can become who He wants me to be. I can be vulnerable and have integrity.
The talk goes on to say...4. Integrity is disclosing the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I believe the Lord can live with our weaknesses and mistakes, provided we demonstrate a desire and effort to repent. That is what the Atonement is all about. But I do not believe He can easily tolerate a deceitful heart or a lying tongue.
Do you tell half truths so you don't look as bad to others? Do you take the responsibility for your mistakes or do you let others take the fall for you? Are you open about your weaknesses? Do you set pride aside and invite love in? Do you let others hurt and hide under the guise of you are too broken to do anything about it? Have you done everything in your power to make amends to those you've wronged? Can you see humility and vulnerability are key parts of integrity? It has taken me a long time to figure these things out, but I am and it's life changing.
If you say you are going to do something; do it! If you promise something; keep it! If you give someone your word; follow up on your word! If you can't do it, have the courage and humility it takes to go and explain to that person why and ask for forgiveness. I do not have perfect integrity. The more I look deep into my soul and my intentions, I find many areas I am lacking in these areas.
My kids are a great example of integrity. My daughter did not want to be baptized when she was 8 because she was worried she wouldn't be able to keep her promise of baptismal covenants that day. Our family holds the word promise in high esteem. If someone promises they did or didn't say anything, you don't need to question that in our family. If you promise something to our family we will hold that at face value even to our detriment.
Now just because in this area of integrity my family does well, there are areas with integrity that I lack. When it comes to disclosing the full truth about circumstances, my lack of vulnerability prevents me from being able to have integrity and disclose the full truth. I try and protect myself in a shell, I try and avoid the full truth so people won't hurt me. This prevents me from having complete integrity. I have been doing better but I won't lie, it's hard to expose myself to the possibility of more hurt.
And to end this incredibly long post with another quote that sums up how interlocking vulnerability and integrity play a key part in loving others as God would, it says...
Integrity is the foundation upon which character and a Christlike life are built. If there are cracks in that foundation, then it will not support the weight of other Christlike attributes that must be built upon it. How can we be humble if we lack the integrity to acknowledge our own weaknesses? How can we develop charity for others if we are not totally honest in our dealings with them? How can we repent and be clean if we only partially disclose the truth to our bishop? At the root of every virtue is integrity.
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