The Masks I Wear...
When I look at the list of things to do to help improve myself through vulnerability and forgiveness, one word comes to mind and it's a little stronger than crap! I'm sorry and apologize to my LDS friends but the truth is this hurts. Working on yourself is not comfortable, easy, or something for the weak-hearted. I am not someone who naturally wants to expose myself and open up emotionally. In fact, I play a testing game. It's called give a little information out and see how the person acts knowing a little. If I feel they are safe, I might share a little more. I always kept a distance from people and always had an escape plan made for the ready. Because holy crap peeps, who would accept the real me? The one with a really messy background, the one who just wants to be loved, the one who would do anything to feel accepted, the one who would move heaven and earth to find someone who loves unconditionally.
And at the risk of putting it out there, I am all these things and more. Problem is I've run into a time crunch and now making the connections I was searching for, is pressing down on me hard, it has forced me into a n- choice-in-the-matter-vulnerability press. And.....that's good! For the first time ever, I feel like I am being authentic, genuine, and loving. Even if no one knows it and it just floats out here in cyber space to the zero readers of this blog, this is who I am. Now let me not pretend here, my life is a living hell right now. I will not lie. I am going through a torturous refiner's fire.
I've been reading Brene Brown's books and she talks about how connection is why we're here. We are built, engineered and wired to connect with others. It gives purpose and meaning. Without it we suffer. I am suffering. Not because of my lack of connecting but because of a connection gone bad. A forced cut in a wonderfully God sent connection.
I take a lot of the responsibility in the loss of the connection; I wasn't authentic, open, and trusting. I felt numb, powerless, fearful, out of control. I wasn't being who I am at all times. She got to see glimpses of who I am but did not get to see my whole heart. Who by spiritual nature I am. The fun I can be. For I was always in fear that she would leave me if I told her who I really was. And by doing this, it actually came to pass. For you see, instead of embracing and acting in love, we acted out of fear.
This uncomfortable journey to vulnerability sucks. I hope it shows others to not wait to act compassionately, courageously, and look for connections through genuine vulnerability. Be brave! Open your heart, be daring, love fully, forgive radically.
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