Worst Christmas Ever???

From a heartbroken, desperate, lonely state, I must say that this Christmas was the hardest I had in 39 years of living on earth. I'm going to get all up in the honesty business and let you know about a few of my struggles and weaknesses in the hopes someone may at some time be helped by this. Even if it's just me because let's state it how it is....no one reads this blog.  I will share another secret, all the page views on the front page, are just what's known as google spiders. So no one is reading it, it's just google and other search engines checking in. In fact, I don't give the blog address out. So really this is just me holding me accountable for my thoughts through the difficult trial I'm experiencing.

Let me first state that the friendship dissolution that occurred between my friend and I has devastated me more than it should. If anyone were to ever read this, it would scream a co-dependent relationship. She and I would often talk about how no one would ever understand our relationship. To us, it didn't matter if it was co-dependent or not, neither of us tried to give it a label. We just went with the connectedness we felt. We both went through painful divorces within months of each other. We were kindred spirits in my mind. We helped each other with shuttling kids, cooking dinners at times, and just filling in some of the space that was left after each of our spouses left.

Now, my friend cut all communication with me on Dec. 13, but really wasn't talking to me since Dec. 3. She has not responded to one email, phone call, or text. Till yesterday...she called and hung up. Anyway, that's irrelevant. I'm just letting you know why my Christmas was so hard. For the past couple of Christmas's, she and I would spend a good amount of December doing holiday traditions together and going to her family party, a work party of her sister in law's that we both worked for, and spending time with our kids by my fire watching movies.

This year was the first year that I did not have one Christmas party to attend. Contrast that with 3 years ago when I had nine. I don't have any brothers or sisters and my family lives in another state a few hours away. We basically sat around and stared at each other for the month. It was a very lonely time, very depressing, very static, very hurtful, very un Christmas like.

However, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I repented, repented, and repented (don't worry still have a lot of that to do). And I collapsed. I probably read 6 full books on everything I could get my hands on with regards to repentance and forgiveness, hoping and fasting for that miracle to come.

In my earthly perspective, the miracle never came. It was a really hard time for me. I did, however, progress spiritually and that may be all what I needed. I take hope in the fact that God loves me and I see Miracles in other's lives transpiring. And really, I am grateful because even though the miracle I am hoping for hasn't come, I know it will.