Aloneness...

The fellowship of true friends who can hear you out, share your joys, help carry your burdens, and correctly counsel you is priceless. For one who has been in the prison of depression, the words of the Prophet Joseph Smith have special meaning: “How sweet the voice of a friend is; one token of friendship from any source whatever awakens and calls into action every sympathetic feeling.”--ET Benson

It's no secret that I'm struggling right now, but the feeling of being alone is so strong that I've never experienced a darker time than right now.  I have gone through a lot in my life but nothing has compared to this feeling. It can't even be described. It's not a depression, emptiness, vast hole, dark abyss, but a combination of all these things to a level that can't be quantified.

Of course, we have many examples in the scriptures of people feeling alone and abandoned. The Savior himself, had to do the unthinkable of taking upon Him the sins, darkness, and all other sufferings in Gethsamene while His disciples, closest friends, slept. He asked them to wait with Him just off a little way. When he came back He found them asleep. Can you imagine? To have to suffer the pains of all humanity and find your closest friends slept through it? We have Job, who after trial after trial, felt the feeling of being alone when he lost family and friends from doing what is right. I could keep listing the examples but the point is here, alone stinks!

This entire blog has been about my asking people to love more, forgive more, understand more, help more, be more. There was an agenda to it as well, to get my bff to realize the hurt she caused me. That she slept through my suffering. Let me state here, as well, I realize she felt I slept during her suffering. But from my perspective, she has slept through my suffering, she has actually walked away, turned her head, and chose not to forgive, love, understand, help or be.

I realize in some ways, I am doing the same thing. I haven't given her the space she needs to heal, forgiven her, or understood her hurt. I try.  I tell myself everyday to do the things in this blog. But honestly, I'm not there.

So I look to those who have felt these alone feelings, like the Savior and Job, and how did they respond? With bitterness? Vengeful feelings? Or an increased love? Of course it's an increased love that they felt.

How do I escape the feelings of being alone? Is the answer as simple as forgiving and loving and praying? Not so far. Is it to escape by being more busy and trying not to think about the past? Is it to pretend it doesn't hurt? Is it to accept the fact that things will never be ok and just do your best? Is it to settle in and just hurt? How does the Atonement lift and buoy us and sustain us through these times? How do you invoke the utilization of the atonement to help sanctify you through this? Could it be as easy as Lincoln suggests...“When I do good I feel good,” said Abraham Lincoln, “and when I do bad I feel bad." Could the answer be fasting and prayer? Or just enduring longer than Satan does?

The truth is, it's probably a combination of all of these sanctifying actions. I hope the peace that the Savior gives comes soon.