Paradox and the Natural Man, Fight or Flight, Oh My...Big topics

So the last few days, I have been thinking a lot about the natural man and it's tendencies when one is hurt. We have a thing called fight or flight response, see the definition provided by Wikipedia...

The fight-or-flight response (also called the fight-or-flight-or-freeze response, hyperarousal, or the acute stress response) is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceivedharmful event, attack, or threat to survival.^[1] It was first described by Walter Bradford Cannon.^[a][2] by sympathetic nervous system activation that innervates the adrenal medulla, producing a hormonal cascade that results in the secretion of catecholamines, especially.^[3] The reaction is activated by the autonomic nervous system, which primes the animal for fighting or fleeing.^[4]

And having this fight or flight response can be a great thing, or it can be a detrimental thing in some cases. For instance, when you are feeling attacked, left, or threatened, your fight or flight can help in most instances, or it may hurt. When I went through counseling with my ex, he explained that when my ex hurt me, my fight response kicked in. He would say something harsh and I would attack him right back with mean words. In the case of my dear friend, she would do something unintentionally that was hurtful and I would say mean things to her. Again, the fight response kicking in; thinking that this would help save me, when in fact it helped push those I loved away.

So in thinking about the fight or flight response and the natural man, which means unrepentant man, I have come up with a theory or supported one in the Falling to Heaven book. In FTH, Ferrell talks about paradoxes or doing the opposite of what you might think you should. He gives a sporting example like when you are going to rebound a basketball the best move is to move away from the basket, block out your opponent and grab the rebound even if your first gut instinct is to move towards the basket.

So in looking at this and forgiveness, I have a theory that we should do exact opposite of what our natural instinct is when we are flooded with hurt and anger. For instance, if someone has hurt you and they are saying mean things, you may want to say mean things back. Do not! In fact, make sure you say really kind things to everyone you meet about this person. If someone is ignoring you, as in my case, make sure you continually say hi, go out of your way to do kind things, etc. I wasn't doing this until recently but I realized a great thing. Then their ignoring is going to be on their shoulders. They will have to explain one day to God why they couldn't come to a reconciliation and loving approach. When you want them to hurt because they have hurt you, pray harder, fast more, for them! What? Yes, that's right. Do the opposite of what your fight or flight response is sending you. Love them more!

Now, I get that some cases are extremely hard. Your kids may have been hurt by another, your family members may have been hurt, or the hurt is inexcusable. That's when I have to go back to two previous points in some prior posts. What if it was the Savior's sister that hurt you? Would you forgive her completely and want to help her? Yes! Well guess what? It is the Savior's sister or brother that has hurt you. We are tied by divine nature. The second point is, if you did something inexcusable would you want the Savior to forgive you or walk away? That is exactly why we must forgive others. Just because we sin differently or hurt people differently, doesn't mean we don't hurt others. We need forgiveness which requires us to step up our forgiving.

Phewwww!!!! That was long and a little not great but hopefully my next post I will describe some actual situations where it illustrates these points.

Worth of a Soul

I love this saying because for the last 6 months I have felt like I have zero worth. Then I was reminded of Robin Williams saying...

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone . . . it's not! The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone." 
- Robin Williams

When you have been surrounded by people who tell you they love you unconditionally and then the rug is pulled out from under you, it makes you question who you are. Are you really unlovable? Are you really of such low value or such a bad person that another would not want anything to do with you? These are questions I was asking myself. Then I got the answer....it doesn't matter what they think. It matters what my Heavenly Father thinks and knows and what I know about myself.  

Reading Uchtdorf's quote, I know that I have worth. If my pbff or her family doesn't value me or my kids in their life anymore, it really is their loss. We still value them. Amazing people that anyone is lucky enough to rub shoulder's with. God has great things in store for her and her family, she is that kind of person.

But back to my value since this is a let's talk about me blog. I realized that my worth doesn't come in just the form of I'm a good person, etc. It comes into light with I am of divine origin and have divine qualities. So if you know of people struggling and their divine qualities are not showing, it's our responsibility to help them, love them, support them, and recognize that we will be asked by God at the pearly gates, what we did to help them. Often times, at least it's my belief, that sometimes members of the church are so caught up in getting people converted that they don't look to see that people amongst them need just as much help. This is because everyone, sinners and saints, all have worth that can't be measured to our Heavenly Father and many have covenanted to help them. 

I have been a poor example of this up until recently. Which is going to lead to my next post about the Natural Man and doing the opposite of what you want to do sometimes. 

June 10...ugh, I mean it's ok...

Today is June 10th and while I normally dread this day, today I will celebrate the good things that have come into my life. 3 years ago today my divorce was final. It was a sad day. The day that said my soul mate, my eternal companion, and better half and I were no longer married.

But I have forgiven. And I continue to forgive. And I struggle. And I work harder. But that's when I count my blessings. And boy, have I had a lot of blessings come into my life since.

I met my bff and her family when my husband left.
Got a preschool up and running.
Met some amazing people the last 6 mos and have started working on my health.
Have been given some opportunities I didn't think were possible.
Have been blessed with an appreciation for those who love me and my kiddos unconditionally.
Have been able to grow a relationship with my Savior.
Have learned more about myself, the Gospel, and people in general and how to love others.

Grateful for the two most loving, kind kids in the world. Phewww! I am blessed. This reminds me of my ex and my bff. I made decisions today that have freed me in so many ways.

I am lonely...legend! Say hello to me.

There is a movie with Will Smith in it that is called "I am Legend." It is not my type of movie but it I watched it with my teenagers who watch all sorts of movies. The movie's plot is basically a post apocalyptic view after a doctor tried to invent a cure for cancer with a strain of measles which mutated and instead ended up killing 90% of humanity.

Will Smith's character goes through a moment where it is one of the most emotional scenes ever. Thinking there is no one else for him, after his dog dies, he then begs for a mannequin to talk to him. He is so lonely. There is no one for him, he has lost everyone he cares about and loves, and feels entirely alone.

Here is a clip....

I am feeling this way. I know this is TMI but I think there are some huge parallels. In my friendship with my bff that I lost it was due to a good thing mutating to something that killed the friendship as well. So this was quite a lot to take in. Ever since the killing of the friendship I have been begging for her to say hi.

As I know this blog is really over the top about my friend, it is because I lost so much. It breaks my heart they were so quick to say goodbye to us. Guess we offered them nothing. I know this is a pity pony post. But we did lose a lot. We lost her and her entire family. We lost her 3 sisters who my kids called aunts, we lost 2 brothers who my kids called uncles, we lost cousins, grandma and grandpa, and most importantly a best friend and my kids second mom.

I can't do it anymore. I tried fasting, praying, serving, and now I can barely exist. I guess the point of this blog is please forgive people, please extend them love, please don't let people feel like this. Charity never faileth.

And in counting my blessings and in the words of Winnie the Pooh..."How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

My article that's getting published....forgiveness! Supa long post.

“Let people grow. Believe that people can change and improve. Is that faith? Yes! Is that hope? Yes! Is it charity? Yes! Above all, it is charity, the pure love of Christ.” –Jeffrey R. Holland

Making mistakes is a part of mortality. Part of finding true joy is learning to forgive others and forgive yourself. Don’t let a misstep or misunderstanding get in the way of your happy ending.

Recently, after the parting of a dear friendship, I turned to the scriptures, other books and anything I could find, on the subject of forgiveness. You see, I am one of those people who seem to have to seek forgiveness quite often in one's life. No matter how hard I try to overcome weaknesses in my life, they somehow seem to find ways to surface. The factors involved in the dissolution of this dear friendship, are non-relevant, but suffice it to say, my fault. Sin, hurt, and disrespect are some of the keywords involved in the separation of this kindred union. Through this trial, I searched for answers on how to extend forgiveness and receive forgiveness. Let me state here, I much more needed forgiveness than needed to extend forgiveness.

As I turned to the scriptures, I found many that talked of the necessity of the role of forgiveness and repentance. I teach preschool and have found that children are a great example of extending forgiveness. Kids will often take toys from each other and not want to share, may even hit their best friend, and yet turnaround and 5 minutes later be playing with the offender once more. I remember growing up age six or seven, having a fight with my best friend (I think even a bite was involved) and saying she can't play with me. Within two hours we were at her pool swimming the day away.

So why do we as adults struggle so much with extending forgiveness to others? Is it because the offenses and hurts are often times much larger and more hurtful? Is it because our hearts have been through much more and it's our defense mechanism? Is it our egos? Is it the insistence of friends and family members not to forgive and love?

The scriptures say, it doesn't matter! We are to forgive. “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.”(D&C 64:34–35) “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (D&C 64:9–10). There are many other scriptures I could list here as well. It is clear as day.

I am going to make a bold claim that we need to step it up in the forgiveness arena. It is not merely enough to say that you have forgiven someone but that you won't forget, or say that you forgive them but are not going to help them home. We are brothers and sisters, we have a common goal, a common outcome, a common purpose; to get home to our Heavenly Father. We all sin, we just sin differently. To judge one's persons weaknesses as worse than your own is wrong. We all need Christ, we all need forgiveness. The Lord says, “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more” (D&C 58:42). If the Lord remembers them no more, why should we? Do we want the Lord to have the attitude that He can forgive but not forget? No! So we need to step up our game and try as we might, to follow the Savior's example in forgiveness.

One day as I was reading Green Eggs and Ham, by Dr. Seuss, to my preschoolers, it hit me. Everything I have been learning about giving and seeking forgiveness has been centered around concepts that to me are a little foreign, a little different looking, and definitely hard to swallow. I mean, I'm really expected to love the offender as if nothing happened? But she hurt me! But I don't want her in my space! But what if it happens again? My ego screamed, “no way will I let that person back in my life, but I will say I forgive them.”

Just like in the book Green Eggs and Ham, Sam I Am chases an unknown character around trying to convince him to eat of green eggs and ham, God has done the same thing with me. Yes, I'm expected to forgive, yes I'm expected to let people back in my space, yes I'm supposed to love with a God like love. Indeed, God has done it to several people, chase them trying to get them to try something that looks different. And guess what? When I tasted the green eggs and ham, I liked them! The different thing God may be chasing us around with, is forgiving and loving in a God-like Christ-centered way, deeper than ever before.

So how do we forgive someone fully, the way the Lord intends for us to forgive someone? I guess it's easier for me to illustrate what it's like being a prisoner of being the one who offends others.

This past Christmas season was the hardest I've ever had, due in part to my friendship ending. You see, I'm a single mom, without any siblings, trying to raise two kids. When I became a single mom, the Lord blessed me with my friend. Elder Burton Howard said, “If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. … It becomes special because you have made it so. I didn't do the things to care for the friendship and treat it as the gift God blessed me with. So this Christmas season, I would watch the Church messages and devotionals, read Uchtdorf's Stop IT test, with a renewed spirit, hoping and begging the Lord that my friend would feel this spirit and forgive me with open arms. I was hoping and praying for a reconciliation to be apart of the traditions we shared with her and her extended family. Hoping for a reconciliation to continue our divinely placed friendship.

As each passing day came, ignoring continued, my heart sunk. How could it be? This person I loved dearly and who felt the same for me couldn't forgive, or let us partake of the Atonement? Couldn't we heal and support each other in God's will once more? I was a prisoner. I chose to check out of life with my kids, my other friends, and mope! A simple phone call, a letter, or a text, could have made the difference.

That's when it hit me, I need to make sure I always extend forgiveness to anyone who has or may hurt me. The Green Eggs and Ham Heavenly Father has been chasing me with, forgive others completely, to a Christ like level.

In James Ferrell's book “Falling to Heaven” he describes forgiveness as “repenting of my failing to love. Forgiveness is simply the word we use to describe this kind of repentance.” So he says that when you forgive someone you are just saying sorry you didn't love them through it all anyway. He goes on to say that forgiveness is the most “crucial kind of repentance” there is. If we don't repent of withholding forgiveness then we won't be forgiven. So how's it done you are asking?

Love! As I have been learning, and is easier said than done at times, love is God's way. It is the easiest, quickest, most healing, righteous way to following God's directive and moving forward. Have God like compassion for others mistakes, weaknesses, and struggles they are dealing with. You see, even though you may be suffering while you love someone, that is the example the Savior set for us. Think about His sufferings in Gethsamene or His experience on the cross. You see, if we are all truly brothers and sisters in the spiritual sense, which is much more than the physical sense, then our devotion to each other and working things out through God-like love should be priority.

When the Savior suffered for our sins, He didn't say, “Okay, you hurt me, I need some space from you and time to heal.” In fact, He saw a greater need to love us, He begs for us to draw closer to Him. If we have this same attitude and compassion and love for our offender's we will truly draw closer to God. We will help open the doors to healing for ourselves and open the prison doors for those who are seeking forgiveness.

That brings the question, how do we seek forgiveness from others? The question begs the same simple answer. Repentance and Love! For what felt like the longest time, after the falling out with my friend, I would react, seek ways to get her to forgive me, seek ways for her to understand my weaknesses, and seek for ways for her to feel compassion towards me. Then it hit me! Free agency! No matter what my friend chooses to do with our friendship, it is my responsibility to repent, love her more, and make amends to the best of my ability. I cannot force her back in my life, force her to forgive me, force her to see anything. Those are her choices. But it's my choice to repent and act out of love.

I was driving home one night when the thought came to me, “you have done all that you can, now sit back and let Me work miracles.” I learned a lesson that night, that I was trying to force someone back in my life because I was seeking forgiveness the wrong way. The way you seek forgiveness is by repentance. When your heart hurts, repent. When you are struggling, repent. Whether you are repenting that you did something to offend someone or repenting that you failed to love someone, the answer still is, repent!

This past October conference Uchtdorf spoke on regret. He said, “However, the older we get, the more we tend to look back and marvel at how short that road really is. We wonder how the years could have passed so quickly. And we begin to think about the choices we made and the things we have done. In the process, we remember many sweet moments that give warmth to our souls and joy to our hearts. But we also remember the regrets- the things we wish we could go back and change.” However, the Atonement, repentance, and extending forgiveness goes a long way in minimizing regrets. I struggle with these things but am learning the quicker we do these things the less regrets and quicker the healing power of the Atonement can take place.

Eyring in the same conference gives us this closing advice. He emphasizes the great need to both seeking forgiveness and extending forgiveness. “The pavilion that seems to be hiding you from God may be fear of man rather than this desire to serve others. The Savior’s only motivation was to help people. Many of you, as I have, have felt fear in approaching someone you have offended or who has hurt you. And yet I have seen the Lord melt hearts time after time, including my own. And so I challenge you to go for the Lord to someone, despite any fear you may have, to extend love and forgiveness. I promise you that as you do, you will feel the love of the Savior for that person and His love for you, and it will not seem to come from a great distance. For you, that challenge may be in a family, it may be in a community, or it may be across a nation.”

And I'm back....Could I have done it?

So, I've taken a few months off due to some health concerns and family obligations but I'm back. I have some great things to talk about and some that are not so great, lol. My journey to forgiveness has had some major ups and downs. Right now we are in a down phaze, but that's why it's a journey right?

So update on the last few months, my friend continues to ignore me and my kids and I have found it increasingly harder to find forgiveness due to her lack of respect for my kids. My friend told my son from day one that she would always be there for him and that she would never leave. Now if he emails or texts her, she ignores him. So that brings out my mama bear claws! See pic below...Yep that's me.

The disrespect from her and her family towards my kids has pushed me over the ledge. And yet I have to remind myself what's in this blog. Increase love towards them, forgive them, pray for them. Easier said and typed about than done.

So I go back to the Savior and his last few weeks. You know, it used to be when I was little and would read the story of the war in heaven in the Bible, that I would mistakenly think I would have agreed to the sacrifice that the Savior did.  I totally would lay down my life for my brothers and sisters and give all glory to God. No problem right? I'm a good person and could do this. Oh the ego of a young one.

I have learned through this experience not only would I not be able to do what the Savior did, I would not and did not volunteer either. As I have looked at what the Savior experienced, being betrayed by his besties, being spit upon by those he served, being rejected by those who said they would be there and love Him, and by being denied by those who called Him friend, I realized, I would have broken. He didn't. He has loved us completely and fully despite all these things. The slaps in the face, the loneliness, the heart brokenness and yet He still forgives and still loves us.

I felt all of these things these past few months...rejected by, denied, slapped in the face, disrespected, broken hearted, etc. And yet I cave. I cave to the human hurt. I don't increase my love for them, I don't find forgiveness, but I do keep praying and keep trying.

Wow, sorry for the heaviness right out of the gate, but hey, I always said I would be honest here.

Sacrifice and the Council in Heaven...

So I originally took my blog off and turned it private because I found out it was bothering my friend that it was up. However, I have kept her anonymity on here through the whole process and feel like it is important to keep blogging for my sanity and health. Plus, I've actually received a few emails putting it back on. Wow, didn't know anyone read my ramblings. My counselor recommended I do this for my mental and spiritual health and despite the fact that I want to respect my friend's wishes, I heal and move on as I express myself through words. She doesn't want to talk about things and won't let me talk about it with anyone, so the anonymous ramblings on the blog are all I have left. So get the pooper scooper out and hang on.

I thought I was doing better and pushing forward through some of the hurt, not so says shame. In keeping with the things I'm learning about vulnerability, this post may be a little long and tmi. (too much info!) But it's where I am.

Today is a big day for me, as I will be poked, stabbed, and undergoing some huge sterile equipment to get to the bottom of a health concern. I feel calm and at ease, like a train is running over my head that's been put in a vice. Needless to say, that may contribute to the feelings of this post.

I have been struggling with certain battles that no one knows of my entire life. My past bff, ya the one that I'm still blabbering on about, was the one person I began opening up to about things, and then she bailed. So I had and have a choice. I can give up or I can fight harder.

I am choosing to fight harder, be more vulnerable, and be human and open with my weaknesses. That being said, I've been scarred and now am scared.

Interestingly enough I had a huge "aha" moment on Friday night. I was getting in the bath and I was reading the Infinite Atonement. I can't even remember what spurred the train of thought I experienced but it was one of those bring you to tears and soak into your heart moments. I was thinking about the huge amount of hurt that my family is experiencing at the hands of my friend and her family. And then it happened....

But first let me back up and give some more details about the story. My friend's family had taken us in, treated us like family, told us they loved us unconditionally and allowed us the privilege of being a part of something greater. We found love, purpose, and opportunities to serve.

We have helped put in sod, we have painted, we have moved people several times, we have helped one of the family member's business by volunteering our time, working for close to nothing, and devoting several hours of time to the development of her business. We have bought my friend a computer, taken her whole family to disneyland, bought her a cruise, and have done many more things for them as well. And to their credit they have done even more than we have for us.  This is to point out the closeness of the family. We went to Bear Lake together, we had Sunday dinners together, and we would pray together. For all intents and purposes we were a family.

That being said, everything changed on July 19th 2010 when something happened that would change the outcome of our friendship forever. We would struggle over the next few years with trying to set boundaries, keep kids happy, and stop hurt feelings from rearing their ugly heads.

I was guilty of the following saying...and now she is guilty of the following saying.

She has been ignoring us since December. In fact, she had her family unfriend my daughter on facebook even though she denies this. Her whole family did. My daughter has not done anything to hurt her or any member of her family, just like my son hasn't either. And to be honest, her kids haven't done anything to contribute to all of this hurt either. It has really been me, her, and her family. (Wow, that was really poor grammar for an English minor). Her family has given us the cold shoulder at soccer games, unfriended us on facebook and told us we are not part of their family and that this would not change. It was extremely hurtful and frustrating. It's frustrating because she is listening to people who only know a little tiny sliver of the story. If then knew the whole story, they would be doing whatever they could to help repair this out of the sheer will of God who wants people to forgive and make things right. They would see that their daughter was a large part of the hurt instead of seeing her as the victim. I think everyone in this situation are victims, if they choose to be that. And right now, in this post, I choose my pity pony ride to Victimville. But don't worry, I will get off in just a minute.

Anyway, along the journey of hurt and sorrow, I learned that everyone is a hypocrite even though their intentions may not necessarily be that. For instance, one of the things that her dad said was that by their fruits you will know them. So I took a look at the "fruits" of our two families before and after the Wipeout episode.
As far as during the friendship goes, I think we both had great fruits on both sides. Each family helped the other. But when the July 19th episode changed the course of the friendship, shame walked in. It brought with it fruits of anger, blame, despair, guilt, depression, hurt, and all things dark. Yes, Satan found his keyhole. He had the key and he walked right in and quietly sat down to observe and let shame work it's path. And he won. He won the battle of separating two families that were designed by God to walk the path together. It feels like he is winning the war too, but only time will tell that.

He made liars out of good people, he made hurt and vengence take the place of compassion and charity. He let anger take the place of caring. He made hypocrites out of every single one of us. My friends dad is on the high council and interestingly enough when two members of his family were in a fight for over a year without speaking to each other, he did all he could to help promote love and forgiveness. He sent out emails and talks to the family about forgiveness, etc. Then he called us family, my kids even called him grandpa and when my pbff and I had our falling out, we were cut off. Yes, satan made a hypocrite out of a loving man. Now let me note here, this is of course coming from my perspective.

He also made a hypocrite out of my pbff. She told me from day one that she would never leave. She did. She told me I could trust her and tell her anything, I can't. She told me things that someone with my issues of abandonment should never have been told. She made promises to my son, she broke them.

I also was made a hypocrite. I put forth an act of kindness and love. I was mean to her. When she went against everything she stood for, I called her out on it. I was wrong. I did it in a way that hurt her. When my ex left I sat with my bishop and he explained to me as it said in Nephi that the "guilty taketh the truth to be hard."

 I felt like my pbff was doing exactly what he did. Not taking accountability and dealing with the hurt that was caused.