Health

Just wanted to post that sometimes the only thing that matters is family and health. Not a good day.

Even if it costs me...Putting my money where my mouth is

Vulnerability...here we go. Ugh, major confessions of a hurt, confused, God fearing and seeking, crazy, emotionally bruised, loving kind of gal.

So my bff of the last 3 years, yeah the one that is no longer talking to me, called me last Thursday. She called me because of something I called her about that had hurt my daughter. The details about that are not important, suffice it to say that she is a wonderful person and has an amazing spirit. The conversation was hard. We talked for close to two hours before my phone died. The point that I am trying to make in a long round about way is that she asked me on the phone what kind of person do I think she is. She said she has integrity.  It got me thinking about myself and how being vulnerable is a key indicator of integrity.

Which then my brain turned on and I went deeper into what integrity and being vulnerable means and it's like a light bulb of inspiration turned on in the midst of darkness. Yep it was that kind of moment. You see, being vulnerable takes away all the shells and layers and masks that you think people want to see of you. It is laying out the real you, the one that God knows, it is trusting people with your heart that they are good and loving. It is the exact opposite of what I have been doing. Here is a quote in this months Ensign on Integrity that states how important being vulnerable and real is...

5. Integrity knows no alibis or excuses. There is something ennobling about the man or woman who admits his or her weaknesses and takes the blame square on without excuse or alibi. On multiple occasions Joseph Smith recorded his weaknesses in the Doctrine and Covenants for all to read. This tells us he was not perfect, but it also tells us he had nothing to hide—he was a man of integrity. What does this do for his credibility when he tells the story of the First Vision or the account of Moroni’s visitations? It tells us that we can trust him, that we can believe his every word because he is, indeed, a man of integrity.

I feel I have been pretty open and honest with my weaknesses in this blog, however, here is some more of that spewing of my mouth syndrome that I seem to have. I hurt. I feel abandoned. I hate that I have weaknesses that push others away. I hate that I am not the image I try and portray of tough as nails. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate forgiveness. I hate being sick. Oh and did I say I hate trying to act righteously and forgive? For me it's easier to go off and tell all two readers of you the truth about the people who have hurt me. I have feelings of hate towards me and God at times. I hate my friend and her family at times for the crap she is putting my kids through. I hate that I can't get over this. I hate that she lied to me. I hate that I have lied to her. I hate she said she would never leave and then did. I hate that she wants to know what's going on with me to decide if she should feel guilty. She should either love me or don't but don't base it on what's going on. I hate that no matter how hard I try I can't get rid of these feelings. I hate that I'm obsessive in this hurt. I hate that she didn't mean the things she said to me. I hate that this blog sounds creepy weird because I miss my friend. I hate that I don't have the courage yet to say what really happened. I'm working on that.  I hate that these are all my issues. These show my weaknesses and more about me than anyone else.

I push people out of my life and then I freak when they walk. What is that? I want people to hurt when they hurt me or my kids, what is that? Those are my weaknesses. I'm judgemental. What is that? I want attention. What is that? These are my holes, these are my struggles, these are my weaknesses but not who I am. I am a daughter of God with divinity in my spiritual DNA. I can become who He wants me to be. I can be vulnerable and have integrity.

The talk goes on to say...4. Integrity is disclosing the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I believe the Lord can live with our weaknesses and mistakes, provided we demonstrate a desire and effort to repent. That is what the Atonement is all about. But I do not believe He can easily tolerate a deceitful heart or a lying tongue.

Do you tell half truths so you don't look as bad to others? Do you take the responsibility for your mistakes or do you let others take the fall for you? Are you open about your weaknesses? Do you set pride aside and invite love in? Do you let others hurt and hide under the guise of you are too broken to do anything about it? Have you done everything in your power to make amends to those you've wronged? Can you see humility and vulnerability are key parts of integrity? It has taken me a long time to figure these things out, but I am and it's life changing.

If you say you are going to do something; do it! If you promise something; keep it! If you give someone your word; follow up on your word! If you can't do it, have the courage and humility it takes to go and explain to that person why and ask for forgiveness. I do not have perfect integrity. The more I look deep into my soul and my intentions, I find many areas I am lacking in these areas.

My kids are a great example of integrity. My daughter did not want to be baptized when she was 8 because she was worried she wouldn't be able to keep her promise of baptismal covenants that day. Our family holds the word promise in high esteem. If someone promises they did or didn't say anything, you don't need to question that in our family. If you promise something to our family we will hold that at face value even to our detriment.

Now just because in this area of integrity my family does well, there are areas with integrity that I lack. When it comes to disclosing the full truth about circumstances, my lack of vulnerability prevents me from being able to have integrity and disclose the full truth. I try and protect myself in a shell, I try and avoid the full truth so people won't hurt me. This prevents me from having complete integrity. I have been doing better but I won't lie, it's hard to expose myself to the possibility of more hurt.

And to end this incredibly long post with another quote that sums up how interlocking vulnerability and integrity play a key part in loving others as God would, it says...

Integrity is the foundation upon which character and a Christlike life are built. If there are cracks in that foundation, then it will not support the weight of other Christlike attributes that must be built upon it. How can we be humble if we lack the integrity to acknowledge our own weaknesses? How can we develop charity for others if we are not totally honest in our dealings with them? How can we repent and be clean if we only partially disclose the truth to our bishop? At the root of every virtue is integrity.

Pint or Gallon, Apple or Orange, Broken radio or New radio

When my friend called me last week we talked about how when she was trying to make changes in her life and I didn't want to go along with the program, I wasn't capable of doing what she was asking of me. Then when I finally got around to being able to do what she was asking for, she said that she isn't capable of doing what I was asking of her.

I started to think of capabilities and vulnerabilities and God. And guess what? I'm still confused but think I might be on to something.

In Tad Callister's "The Infinite Atonement" he talks about how the Atonement opens up new capabilities that were not previously ours, a whole new cache of spiritual powers that "add upon" and are given to man with godly traits that he cannot access or have by himself. My downfall and utter failure in the friendship with my friend at the time was that I did not apply this principle. I was not repenting and looking to God. I was stuck in the pit. I was not trying to utilize the Atonement in order to do what my friend was asking of me which was good and right. It's kind of like no matter how much I want to be able to fly, I cannot do so without some Godly power. My muscles, as strong as they are, lol, cannot do the job. I could not get out of the pit I was in  at that time without calling upon the Atonement and the powers of heaven.

Then I remembered a little short video that TD Jakes did about forgiveness and talking about capabilities. He talked about if you expect someone to love on a gallon level and they are a pint person, you will be disappointed. He said if you're a gallon type person, you can't expect a pint person to be able to fill your needs. Or something along those lines. He also said you can't expect a broken radio to work like a new one.

In the case of my friend and I, I believe it was our capabilities of the moment, not capabilities within us. Okay, I'm fully aware if you are still awake and reading this that I probably lost you on my lack of being able to communicate what's in my head. I'm trying to say that with God all things are possible. What she was asking at the moment I wasn't capable of doing, what I am asking of her at the moment she said she's not capable of doing either. But I believe what she was asking of me was right and good and what I am asking of her is right and good. So with God we could've been capable. With God all things are possible and the Atonement makes this so.

I was and am asking to be loved on a gallon level and she is a pint person. That's not fair to her to have expectations like that. She can't meet those and shouldn't be asked to meet those. However, even as I'm typing this, I don't believe she is a pint person. I believe she is probably a hundred gallon tanker. She embraces love, compassion, empathy, and kindness. However, she needs to discover that for herself. Despite her weaknesses or mine, the capacity to be what God wants us to be, gallon people, is possible.

Our capabilities are endless when we involve God and are willing to be vulnerable and ask for our needs to be met, when we ask for help with our weaknesses, and when we pour our soul to Him then He looks to help us.

Here is the video referenced in this post. He mentions having compassion and understanding of people...take a look. I love what he says when Oprah asks, do we keep pint people around? He says first, they are not lying to you. They are giving you what they can. You are saying I need more love and they are giving you all that they can. They empty themselves out and you have a capacity for more. Irrigate your life with more gallon people.

Who would you walk through hell with???

Being in bed sucks...however, there are many blessings in my life. First, God hears and answers prayers, even the ones just in your heart. I have been having a really hard time since last Thursday. I am feeling worse and worse now as days go by. That being said, I had a hard conversation with my friend last week and have been saying a prayer in my heart that she would understand, that she would see the bigger picture and that a God ordained and sanctified friendship could exist.

Well, this morning as I was pondering a talk in the Ensign, I was feeling quite down. Then a chance encounter between me and an acquaintance happened and I knew my Heavenly Father is aware of me. You see, she asked me a question about my ex husband and it led to a talk about my friend which then led to her saying this one statement, which led to me knowing my Heavenly Father cares about me. The person I was talking to was referencing her husband and something he and I share as a struggle, and then she most eloquently described it doesn't matter. She said, "I know no matter what his struggle or weakness in that area, there is no one else I would rather walk through hell with, I love him that much." It hit me so strongly I actually got a little physically dizzy. My friend and I used to say the same thing to each other. One time she texted me and said "enjoy hell alone." Then she and I both learned neither of us want to have to walk through that alone. We used to say that no matter what happens we would be there for each other.

It shocked me to the core that here is some lady telling me that she doesn't care what weakness her husband has, she would walk through and go through anything with him. What? People do that? He pushes her away at times and she doesn't leave? You mean there are people out there when they say they unconditionally love you, they mean it? I was floored. Not really though because one of my best friends for over twenty five years has been there for me through everything as well. But here I was hearing that her hubby has the exact same weakness that I have. And she didn't leave!!! There is goodness in the world. I asked her what helps her stay. And low and behold the answer I have been talking about the last few days....vulnerability. She said, they talk about the weakness openly. He is honest with her. He still tests her but is honest with her about his weakness and his feelings of worrying about being abandoned. Holy cow batman! I think we are on to something.

The key to loving is integrity and vulnerability. It allows people to love and be compassionate. I didn't allow my friend to be compassionate because although I shared more with her than anyone, I didn't share everything. It was like she had to put together a puzzle missing a third of the pieces. I thought I was protecting myself from her leaving. Yup that didn't work. 

It also made me have the thought about Mother Teresa and her famous quote: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Really, bottom line is if you leave someone, don't forgive someone, have anger towards someone, or won't walk through hell with someone, you are just judging. Sit with that for a moment and think about it. What you are literally saying to that person is your crap is too much and I am choosing to not be Christlike and don't want to put an effort in because you are too difficult. This is judging.

You see, this quote screams to me that judging is just saying your weaknesses are less of a weakness than others. And really they are not. To put it bluntly, everyone's poop stinks. Let's just help each other get rid of the stink.

By judging other's weaknesses it gives us the chance to give a blind eye to our weaknesses. We don't have to look at our crap and see if it smells. We can avoid being vulnerable and saying I need you, or I need help. We can go under our protective layer of judging others. I did this in my marriage with my ex at times. He would do something I didn't think was in line with the gospel or something and it was easier for me to look at his crap then look at mine.

We will want to protect ourselves emotionally because it is easier to not take a risk of someone rejecting us. It is easier to not love or forgive because of the big what if of if they hurt us again.

Pushing vulnerability out is a huge indicator of a lack of integrity.  The next post will talk about this. Being able to say that I would walk through hell for you because you are important to me and important to God is a big indicator of integrity. Walking through hell with a friend, spouse, acquaintance or child takes vulnerability, courage, and the risk of exposing yourself emotionally to hurt and pain. But the rewards are equal to the risk.

Crap...Now What? Peeling down to vulnerability!

The Masks I Wear...

When I look at the list of things to do to help improve myself through vulnerability and forgiveness, one word comes to mind and it's a little stronger than crap! I'm sorry and apologize to my LDS friends but the truth is this hurts. Working on yourself is not comfortable, easy, or something for the weak-hearted. I am not someone who naturally wants to expose myself and open up emotionally. In fact, I play a testing game. It's called give a little information out and see how the person acts knowing a little. If I feel they are safe, I might share a little more. I always kept a distance from people and always had an escape plan made for the ready. Because holy crap peeps, who would accept the real me? The one with a really messy background, the one who just wants to be loved, the one who would do anything to feel accepted, the one who would move heaven and earth to find someone who loves unconditionally.

And at the risk of putting it out there, I am all these things and more. Problem is I've run into a time crunch and now making the connections I was searching for, is pressing down on me hard, it has forced me into a n- choice-in-the-matter-vulnerability press. And.....that's good! For the first time ever, I feel like I am being authentic, genuine, and loving. Even if no one knows it and it just floats out here in cyber space to the zero readers of this blog, this is who I am. Now let me not pretend here, my life is a living hell right now. I will not lie. I am going through a torturous refiner's fire.

I've been reading Brene Brown's books and she talks about how connection is why we're here. We are built, engineered and wired to connect with others. It gives purpose and meaning. Without it we suffer. I am suffering. Not because of my lack of connecting but because of a connection gone bad. A forced cut in a wonderfully God sent connection.

I take a lot of the responsibility in the loss of the connection; I wasn't authentic, open, and trusting. I felt numb, powerless, fearful, out of control. I wasn't being who I am at all times. She got to see glimpses of who I am but did not get to see my whole heart. Who by spiritual nature I am. The fun I can be. For I was always in fear that she would leave me if I told her who I really was. And by doing this, it actually came to pass. For you see, instead of embracing and acting in love, we acted out of fear.

This uncomfortable journey to vulnerability sucks. I hope it shows others to not wait to act compassionately, courageously, and look for connections through genuine vulnerability. Be brave! Open your heart, be daring, love fully, forgive radically.

Vulnerability and forgiveness

I am going to continue on this vulnerability practice and start by saying, I am scared. I'm scared that I am not worthy of connection, I'm scared I have failed in this life. I am scared I am not good enough. I'm scared I failed the test. I'm scared there isn't time to fix me. I'm scared I let those I cared about the most down.

Brene Brown said this on her blog...
"I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging - something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. 

I don't believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous."

Click here to read first post about shame vs guilt.

I am in a dangerous shame cycle. Switching to a guilt cycle where I say my behavior was wrong instead of I'm wrong, can move me to love connectedness and closer connections. Being more vulnerable and risking things emotionally can move me to more love.

I was thinking of how this can help me with forgiveness, both seeking it and giving it.

First, asking for forgiveness... I came to the conclusion that it takes a lot of vulnerability to be able to ask someone to forgive you. It takes courage, it takes love, it takes God. It is an emotional risk. What if the offended tells you they want nothing to do with you? What if they tell you they can't forgive you? What if they  tell you they never want to see you again?

Or extending forgiveness...It takes a lot of vulnerability and courage to extend forgiveness to someone who has hurt you. It takes courage, it takes love, it takes God. It is an emotional risk. What if the offender offends you again. What if they hurt you again? What if they walk on you again? What if they abuse, destroy, bring you down, lie to you, knock you around, again? 

Yes, there are a lot of what if's in radical forgiveness. But what about these what if's?  What if I don't seek forgiveness? What if I don't try and make amends? What if I don't have the courage to be vulnerable and ask for forgiveness? What if I don't do as God expects and ask for forgiveness?

Yes there are a lot of what if's in radical forgiveness in extending forgiveness. But what about these what if's? What if I don't extend the forgiveness, will God extend me forgiveness? What if I don't extend forgiveness, will I ever be able to let go of anger, hate, and search for justice? What if I don't extend forgiveness, will I ever be able to feel connected to God?

The lists can go on and on and on. I think it's plain to see that being vulnerable and having the courage to both seek forgiveness and extend forgiveness has a payoff much greater than sitting in the muck, pit, and weakness of non forgiveness that destroys the human spirit and their connection with God.

Again, a quote from Eyring stating how important it is to set shame aside, be vulnerable and move with courage...

The pavilion that seems to be hiding you from God may be fear of man rather than this desire to serve others. The Savior’s only motivation was to help people. Many of you, as I have, have felt fear in approaching someone you have offended or who has hurt you. And yet I have seen the Lord melt hearts time after time, including my own. And so I challenge you to go for the Lord to someone, despite any fear you may have, to extend love andforgiveness. I promise you that as you do, you will feel the love of the Savior for that person and His love for you, and it will not seem to come from a great distance. For you, that challenge may be in a family, it may be in a community, or it may be across a nation.

Sugar Beets and Love

President Monson told a recap of Bishop Ashton's story..."Many years ago, Bishop Marvin O. Ashton (1883–1946), who served as a counselor in the Presiding Bishopric, gave an illustration I’d like to share with you. Picture with me, if you will, a farmer driving a large open-bed truck filled with sugar beets en route to the sugar refinery. As the farmer drives along a bumpy dirt road, some of the sugar beets bounce from the truck and are strewn along the roadside. When he realizes he has lost some of the beets, he instructs his helpers, “There’s just as much sugar in those which have slipped off. Let’s go back and get them!

Or a quote by Brene Brown...“You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." And at the promise of me being more vulnerable so that I might connect more, have more compassion, etc, let me admit right out, I am feeling insecure, and unloved by my friend and her family. I am wanting that connection and yet not able to find it. I feel, they dumped me when they saw I have flaws that they viewed were hurtful to my friend. Oh I wanted to believe I was family. Oh I wanted to believe their words of unconditional love. 


There's a story told by Uchtdorf which I will quote here...

The Worth of a Soul

“We cannot gauge the worth of another soul any more than we can measure the span of the universe. Every person we meet is a VIP to our Heavenly Father. Once we understand that, we can begin to understand how we should treat our fellowmen.

“One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her tears, ‘I have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar bill—crumpled, torn, dirty, abused, and scarred. But I am still a 20-dollar bill. I am worth something. Even though I may not look like much, and even though I have been battered and used, I am still worth the full 20 dollars.’”

I felt as though my worth had diminished because I wasn't good enough for these people to want to help. I didn't mean anything to them after 3 years of being immersed in their family. I was too hard for them. I realized this was not true, I too am worth 20 dollars, despite being ripped and torn and shredded.  I am a sugar beet that has just as much sugar even though I've been bumped around, dropped, kicked to the side of the road. I may be alone but I guess I'd rather be alone than with people who didn't want to know me and value me. And knowing my true worth in the sight of my eyes, makes it so I know I am not alone, my Heavenly Father loves me.