In thinking about vulnerability and shame and forgiveness, I was listening to my new favorite social worker Brene Brown, I found an "aha" moment. She talks about how scarcity takes on many names. For instance, my pbff always felt like she was never good enough. That's shame. You know, if we are not smart enough, perfect enough, spiritual enough, valuable to others enough, loved enough, fit in enough...So what's our gut reaction????
We Armor Up!!!! Protect yourself from all the what if's. She goes on to say if we get really, really clear on what it is we are armoring up against, it's really simple. It's our heart. Badda bing badda boo. There it is people in clear writing. We are trying our dangedest to protect our heart. We are protecting being hurt. Love and belonging are needs. Without them, there is suffering. She then makes the best statement ever....She says, "our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be brokenhearted." It is a terrible thing but a true thing. We can only be loved as much as we risk our heart being broken. Vulnerability is the path to love, joy, connection, forgiveness extended.
Whoa nelly...the next part gets even cooler. She talks about when you are vulnerable in a moment and you share with someone something very hard and they get you..you feel peaceful, loved, connected, and worthy of belonging. But what do you feel when they don't get you and you just shared that? You feel shame, disappointment, regret, rejected, unloved, not worthy. This happened to me. I shared with my pbff some past abuse and when our friendship dissipated I felt rejected by her, unloved, unworthy, dirty, and regretted having told her anything. But had I not taken the risk of being vulnerable, I may not have found that connection to which I felt with her during the good times.
Sympathy drives disconnection and empathy fuels connection. Empathy has 4 qualities; perspective taking, meaning the person has the ability to have the perspective or being able to recognize that person's perspective is their truth; acts staying out of judgement, non judging; recognizing emotion and communicating that. Empathy is feeling with another. I'm feeling with you. Sympathy is I'm feeling for you. The difference is huge!!! Empathy is a choice not a default, it makes you have to dig down and be vulnerable yourself.
When you go to that place, you know, the blame game. You spill your diet coke and you look to blame your kid. Blame is the discharging of discomfort and pain, it has an inverse relationship of accountability. People who blame a lot are not willing to take accountability or hold others accountable because they are afraid of being vulnerable. In the instance of my friend, who I love and care about even through all the hurt, she was trying to protect herself, armor up, not be vulnerable and place blame on me. And guess what? I was doing the same thing. And it's a huge blocker to empathy because when someone is telling their story we are not really listening, we are already in our brain making the connections to decide how to blame the other person.
When I called her a name she was not listening to the pain and problem that was right there in front of us she was already connecting the dots of how I am mean and that the ending of the friendship was my fault because I am mean. When I was upset, I chose to not listen to her and be vulnerable and tell her my heart. Instead, I reacted and tried to shame her. I wasn't listening to her suffering I was already forming things in my mind how it was all her fault because she was leaving me in the suffering alone. I was connecting the dots to put the blame on her. It was her fault the diet coke spilled even though she wasn't in the house at the time.
So empathizing is feeling with someone and sympathizing is feeling for someone. Sometimes silverlining the persons story falls into sympathizing, Brene uses the example of someone saying, "I just had a miscarriage" the responder says, "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "I think my marriage is falling apart" and the responder says, "at least you have a marriage". We try and make things better instead of leaning into the pain. The truth is connection makes things better than trying to fix things. The most profound examples can happen without any words.
So how does all this connect with forgiveness? You have to be vulnerable to extend people forgiveness because you have to open your heart and be vulnerable with the risk that you might get hurt again or worse. But what's the payoff? A greater connectedness and relationship for both.
For instance, in the case with my pbf, when our friendship parted by her choice she chose in that moment to armor up, protect her heart, not empathize. Now don't let me blame her here because I did the same thing. I had several moments and chances to make the right choice at different times which could have altered the outcome of our friendship. But let me tell you right here something even more "ahaish." It could be that cool and even cooler if we both were committed to the outcome and willing to be vulnerable and empathize. You see shame is what killed our friendship and neither one was willing to be vulnerable and risk taking the armor off to the point it would have had to be to recover.
My take aways....love more, feel with people, be in their story feeling, and....
When in shame, do not type, text, talk, or email. I found that when I am in shame I tend to come out swinging. Brene says usually one of 3 reactions happen. You either cover your face and hide, like my pbff, or you slink down the wall or you come out swinging and try and fight shame by shaming. I recommend you go to the person and be vulnerable and take the damn armor off!
We need crazy fierce love! Love it! Thanks Brene!
I know this video is long but it is so worth it. I can't express how life changing it can be if you catch the greatness of it.
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