Forgiveness facilitates unlikely friendship- Conference Halftime

One of my family's favorite things to watch is the show in between the two conference sessions. They are usually very inspiring and uplifting. Today was no exception and in fact a straight blessing from Heavenly Father to me and many. My kids and I refer to it as the half time show, lol.

It was so touching! I hope you can see the entire showing which is 30 min long. It is entitled "Finding Forgiveness." It's a story of a man who had come undone and tragically killed an elderly lady in a car accident.

Until I can find the whole video in it's entirety, this will have to do. Lynn Beecher talks about the necessity to have to communicate with the offender to find understanding. Same concept that is in the Falling to Heaven Book.

Pahoran, Nephi, and Chris Williams, Oh My! Forgive Frankly...

The general ideas in this post are taken from the 2011 BYU Women's Conference talk given by Russell and Lolly Osguthorpe.

I was always amazed when I read my scriptures when I came upon the story of Pahoran and Moroni. Pahoran was in the city of Zarahemla and the king men (who were bad) were in control of Zarahemla. Moroni writes a letter asking Pahoran for reinforcements to help deal with the kingmen that he is dealing with. Here Pahoran is accused by a frustrated Moroni and called his loyalty into question. Pahoran responds that he is grateful, despite being accused falsely by Moroni, that he wrote and that his words bring him a lot of joy. Instant forgiveness extended to Moroni.

Laman and Lemuel, the two brother's of Nephi, were corrected by Nephi about their disobedience. This brought them to a stage of anger where they bound Nephi with cords and left him to die and be eaten by wild beasts. Anger is usually the key emotion that brings about bad behavior, vengeful behavior, and unforgiveness. And if you understand anger you will know that it is a secondary emotion made up of fear and sadness. Okay so moving along....The Lord taught us that not only should we not want to kill someone but that we should not be found angry with another or the Lord's anger will be directed toward them. Laman and Lemuel were sorrowful after a daughter of Ishamael and her mother did plead with Laman and Lemuel to become humble. It worked! They went to Nephi and begged of him his forgiveness. One minute they want to kill Nephi and then the next they were begging his forgiveness. This was a great miracle. However, maybe even a greater miracle was Nephi's response.

Now some of the great qualities of Nephi were....he forgave them immediately. Did he become defensive? No! Did he throw it in their faces what they had done? No! Did he tell his friends and family of the things they did wrong and to ignore them? No! Did he hold it against them? No! Did he continue to bring it up time and again in the future? No! He "frankly forgave" them. He was left in the desert to be devoured by wild beasts. And yet, "he frankly forgave" them. Are you with me? How many times have you been bound and hung out to be eaten by gnarly wild beasts? Could you have forgiven them? At first, I though frankly, was a word that meant barely or coldly, etc. But the Osguthorpe's explained it differently. He forgave them instantly, without conditions, no questions asked. The word "frank" originally meant free. Unconditional; without restraint; without anxiety. He forgave them freely!

And now finally, Chris Williams... his story can be found below in this video. I know I've posted this before but it is moving and powerful.

But the bottom line is there are some commonalities in all of these cases of forgiveness. They all forgave "frankly." Meaning, without condition, thinking first of the offender before themselves. Nephi thought first of Laman and Lemuel, not about his being set out to die. Pahoran thought first of Moroni and his people, not that he had just been falsely accused and his loyalty questioned. And Chris Williams? He thought first of the young man who had taken 3 of his family members from him.
In each case, not one of these examples, put conditions on the forgiveness. Not one of them, threw it in the others face. Not one of them didn't seek to love the others home.

Please remember the post on forgiving others just means repenting of not loving them in the first place. I'm grateful for such examples in my life. I have failed at forgiving like these great examples many times and grateful for them to help show me the way.

The Peacegiver...meaning of life?

To quote from the book "The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell..."'Ricky, I'm going to suggest something to you that you probably have never thought of and will want to resist, but I'm going to say it anyway because it's the truth. Here it is: Being mistreated is the most important condition of mortality, for eternity itself depends on how we view those who mistreat us."

Have you been mistreated or feel you have? How do you view the person who has wronged you?

Do you war with them? Do you gossip about them? Do you yell at them? Do you ignore them? Do you plot evil sinister plans of destruction in your head about them (lol)? Do you bury your head in the sand and pretend they don't exist? OR.....

Do you love them more? Do you reach out to them? Do you pray for them? Do you serve them? Do you do acts of kindness towards them? Do you build them with your words to other people? Do you pray for a softened heart towards them?

I can attest that up till recently, I was stuck in the warring zone. I would think mean or angry thoughts about the people I felt were mistreating me and my kiddos. I would speak unkind things about them to those who asked about what was going on. Oh and I had my fair share of plotting toilet papering their house, ding dong ditching them, and other vengeful acts. In all seriousness, I was not thinking with charity, the pure love of Christ.

Then it happened....a change of heart. I realized that these people are some of the people I care most deeply for and while I can't control what they do or how they think of me or whether they feel/felt mistreated, I can pray for them, build them, say kind things, serve them, love them more, and have them in my heart. It's a process that's for sure but I'm glad to see the miracle of my heart changing.

Being Perfect and Charity, the pure love of Christ...

We are commanded to be perfect. In the scriptures we read, Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven:Matt. 5:48 

Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul (see 1 Nephi 11:23).

Charity is “the pure love of Christ,” or “everlasting love” (Moroni 7:47; 8:17). The prophet Mormon taught: “Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (Moroni 7:45; see also 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

In tying this all together, having the pure love of Christ, means forgiving, it means loving the person even more. It means stretching out our arms and embracing other's weaknesses and loving them because of their weaknesses, not despite them. It doesn't point the finger, it doesn't hold on to hurts, it doesn't shame and blame. It looks our friends and family in the eye and tells them they are divine in nature and have infinite worth. It does not call each other names, ignore others, and gossip about others. It builds, it brings towards Christ, it is sometimes not easy.

Doing the right thing is more important that doing the easy thing. Even if you have to stand up to your friends or family in the embracing of charity. Not all will agree with your choices but being able to have the integrity at the end of the day and look your loved ones in the eye and say you have done all you can do to love them, that is the pure love of Christ.

I have not done this, and I will continue to work on myself and improve and extend the arm of friendship, love, and forgiveness.

Abraham and your trial....

Yesterday was a difficult and yet freeing day. I want to thank my God for my trials, my weaknesses, and His strength. For the past several months I have been struggling with missing my best friend. I took a huge step yesterday and realized a great truth with the help of a friend. I got to see a side to my friend and her family that I didn't think possible which helped me see that they are not capable of finding good in me, which allowed me to let go of the hope of her forgiving me. So where is the good news in all of this? I'm sure I'm killing you with boredom of the drama...but here is the major, major, did you hear the word major take away.

In D&C 101:4-5 we learn something interesting. Now go with me for a minute and then I will get to the meat and taters of the scripture. Thinking back to Abraham's day, we know that he and Sarah had the difficult trial of being able to conceive a child. Sarah was heartbroken and devastated and at times doubted the Lord's promise that they would be able to conceive. So one would think that was a pretty hard trial and yet...Yep wait for it...They would later be asked to sacrifice/kill their son that they had waited for for 90 years to conceive. Are you with me here? Imagine that, after all the waiting and heartache and disappointment, then you finally get the son you've waited for only to be asked to sacrifice him.

Ok, so now back to how this pulls into D&C 101:4-5. We are told in these scriptures that we will be required to go through and be chastened and tried even as Abraham who was commanded to offer up his only son. Read below...

 4 Therefore, they must needs be ^achastened and tried, even as^bAbraham, who was commanded to offer up his only son.

 5 For all those who will not ^aendure chastening, but ^bdeny me, cannot be sanctified.

So we are going to at some time be tried and chastened to the level of Abraham. Are you following? And then the second part is our requirement to endure the chastening so we can be sanctified. So pulling it altogether with the quote up top, we get to choose today how we can look at these chastenings as opportunities to grow or obstacles that keep us from growing.

So to wrap this up, I'm choosing to grow.

Some Ugly Truth...Can't get out of the Pit

My bff's mom gave me a book called "Get out of the Pit" by Beth Moore. In it she talked about the different ways you can get shoved, slip, or jump into a pit.

Pit by definition meaning something we can't get out of by ourselves. I want to offer you something right here to help you, it's a thought to help you keep reading. "With God all things are possible."

She talks about abuse as a child, so much so that you may live in a shame pit. Your only reference to the world is that you are not good enough, you don't fit in, you were abandoned, etc. Or maybe you jumped into the pit through sin. Or maybe you got shoved in by a loved one. Whatever the case, you are in a pit. You need out. She goes on to say that we may even pretend to not be in a pit and decorate our pit with the latest and greatest from Pottery Barn, we may hang signs that say Welcome, and we may feel right at home in our pit.

Our pits can look like abandonment, shame, codependence, addiction, shame, oh did I mention that one twice? These are real. Please, know you are loved, know you are not alone. A lot of us are in pits right now. Look around. I am. This entire blog demonstrates that I am in a pit. Moore talks about you may be in a pit you never wanted or intended to be. She gives the example of herself stepping into a friendship that turned sour. Kind of like mine. She said both parties walked into the friendship with crystal clear intentions to help each other, support each other, and go through life as kindred friends. But she said that the relationship went bad as God slipped from it. Same with mine. And now I sit in my pit, with my LayZ boy recliner, bag of peanut m&m's, and enjoy hell alone.

We may start in our pits innocently. I'm gonna have to get real for a moment and be a little vulnerable and tell you some bits of my story so you can see what I mean. To protect those I love and guard my heart a little, suffice it to say, I had some abuse in my life. Now, normally I would be telling this story for some validation and a "oh, you've been through so much" statement. But I tell you for the mere fact that I think anyone would agree that I didn't jump in the pit by my own doing. But the choices that I made to deal with the pit I was shoved into, didn't help me get out. Turning to new pits of bitterness, anger, reclusiveness, putting a guard up around my heart, are a few to name. Some people turn to addictions. I made the most ridiculously stupid decisions anyone can make. And I continue to do so at times when I am in the pit.

Now I need God to get out of the pit. I have put Him front and center for the past 6 mos as my bff ignores my pleas for forgiveness and now have to realize He can make more of my life than I can or more than I thought she could. I placed her in the unfair role of being my savior and she did the same. The word for that is called co-dependence. We let the beguiling of Satan take over two dear spirits who had the best of intentions and turn a dear god ordained friendship into a big hurt.

Now all I can do is turn to God and trust in Him and know that with Him all things are possible. And if God is love and it's His very nature, there is no better place to put my trust than with Him who wants me to be happy. If I pattern my love and forgiveness after His example of love and forgiveness, I too will want to love others and forgive others as He does and is. The ugly truth is sometimes this is easier said than done.

Very Hard Week...July 19th on...Eternal Friendship

On July 19th a few years back, something hurtful happened to my pbff and my friendship. For a few years we traveled through the muck of it trying to repair from the damage and fallout of the next few months of it. The eventual parting of the friendship is what led to this blog. So every July 19 I have a really hard day. Two days ago was no exception. Especially since my kids were in an event that her family's kids were also involved in and we ran into each other. In a way, it was good because I was hoping she would extend me the courtesy of giving me a few minutes of her time, but it was incredibly hard at the same time because like the quote above, she is impossible to forget. Her entire family is. They are amazing people, not despite their flaws but because of their flaws. I have learned so much over the last 7 months since she has been ignoring me. It made me turn inward and look to see my flaws, work on them and try to improve.

They have judged me and accused me of not being trustworthy because I said mean and hurtful things to my pbff. She even questioned my medical history (I was recently diagnosed with a non cool condition and have been getting treatments) and things that I have been going through. They thought everything I did or was doing was a manipulation according to a mutual friend who spoke to her dad. I had to look inward and see if I am trustworthy. I started questioning everything. The mom I am, the friend I am, the person I am, the experiences I have had. All of it. Where I came out? I'm trustworthy! Yay! I did a full self evaluation and yes I make many mistakes. I have done some things that are not actions my best self can be and have even been dishonorable in some of my actions. But I don't lie, I don't hide agendas, and I don't try and hide my weaknesses. I am open that I am a flawed person. So when they questioned my integrity, it hurt me deeply. 

I love this quote from Jeffrey R Holland..."Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad." Now let me state how hurtful it is to not receive this from those you love and who said they love you. My pbff's family said they loved us, that the love was unconditional and that we were their family. They extended this love freely, it hurt when they stripped this away by assuming the worse of me. They never cared enough to hear things from the other side. And guess what? None of that matters.

Holy crud! People of the non reading blog world, listen up, beloveds....None of this matters. What matters is that we love others and we forgive them more than the hurt they cause. Now this is hard as yesterday attested to. I went up to talk to my pbff at the event and after a few things her family did this week, and it was hard. But I'm working on it. I need to think the best of them, assume the good, and doubt the bad that floods my mind. Because my pbff will always have my heart and be a part of me and who I am.

The takeaway from this week? I don't know what's gonna happen in the next little while with some of the things going on but this I do know. Despite whether or not my pbff and her family love me and my kids, it doesn't matter. What matters is my Heavenly Father loves me. He knows I am good, worth it, honest, and trying my best with the cards I'm dealt. He also loves her and her family just as much and she is worth it, loving, and good. I need to forgive with more force than the hurt. I look forward to the day when they will see exactly what the truth of the situation is and I can finally have my chance to beg their forgiveness, love them, and embrace our friendship once again. Even if not in this life.