Even if it costs me...Putting my money where my mouth is

Vulnerability...here we go. Ugh, major confessions of a hurt, confused, God fearing and seeking, crazy, emotionally bruised, loving kind of gal.

So my bff of the last 3 years, yeah the one that is no longer talking to me, called me last Thursday. She called me because of something I called her about that had hurt my daughter. The details about that are not important, suffice it to say that she is a wonderful person and has an amazing spirit. The conversation was hard. We talked for close to two hours before my phone died. The point that I am trying to make in a long round about way is that she asked me on the phone what kind of person do I think she is. She said she has integrity.  It got me thinking about myself and how being vulnerable is a key indicator of integrity.

Which then my brain turned on and I went deeper into what integrity and being vulnerable means and it's like a light bulb of inspiration turned on in the midst of darkness. Yep it was that kind of moment. You see, being vulnerable takes away all the shells and layers and masks that you think people want to see of you. It is laying out the real you, the one that God knows, it is trusting people with your heart that they are good and loving. It is the exact opposite of what I have been doing. Here is a quote in this months Ensign on Integrity that states how important being vulnerable and real is...

5. Integrity knows no alibis or excuses. There is something ennobling about the man or woman who admits his or her weaknesses and takes the blame square on without excuse or alibi. On multiple occasions Joseph Smith recorded his weaknesses in the Doctrine and Covenants for all to read. This tells us he was not perfect, but it also tells us he had nothing to hide—he was a man of integrity. What does this do for his credibility when he tells the story of the First Vision or the account of Moroni’s visitations? It tells us that we can trust him, that we can believe his every word because he is, indeed, a man of integrity.

I feel I have been pretty open and honest with my weaknesses in this blog, however, here is some more of that spewing of my mouth syndrome that I seem to have. I hurt. I feel abandoned. I hate that I have weaknesses that push others away. I hate that I am not the image I try and portray of tough as nails. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate forgiveness. I hate being sick. Oh and did I say I hate trying to act righteously and forgive? For me it's easier to go off and tell all two readers of you the truth about the people who have hurt me. I have feelings of hate towards me and God at times. I hate my friend and her family at times for the crap she is putting my kids through. I hate that I can't get over this. I hate that she lied to me. I hate that I have lied to her. I hate she said she would never leave and then did. I hate that she wants to know what's going on with me to decide if she should feel guilty. She should either love me or don't but don't base it on what's going on. I hate that no matter how hard I try I can't get rid of these feelings. I hate that I'm obsessive in this hurt. I hate that she didn't mean the things she said to me. I hate that this blog sounds creepy weird because I miss my friend. I hate that I don't have the courage yet to say what really happened. I'm working on that.  I hate that these are all my issues. These show my weaknesses and more about me than anyone else.

I push people out of my life and then I freak when they walk. What is that? I want people to hurt when they hurt me or my kids, what is that? Those are my weaknesses. I'm judgemental. What is that? I want attention. What is that? These are my holes, these are my struggles, these are my weaknesses but not who I am. I am a daughter of God with divinity in my spiritual DNA. I can become who He wants me to be. I can be vulnerable and have integrity.

The talk goes on to say...4. Integrity is disclosing the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I believe the Lord can live with our weaknesses and mistakes, provided we demonstrate a desire and effort to repent. That is what the Atonement is all about. But I do not believe He can easily tolerate a deceitful heart or a lying tongue.

Do you tell half truths so you don't look as bad to others? Do you take the responsibility for your mistakes or do you let others take the fall for you? Are you open about your weaknesses? Do you set pride aside and invite love in? Do you let others hurt and hide under the guise of you are too broken to do anything about it? Have you done everything in your power to make amends to those you've wronged? Can you see humility and vulnerability are key parts of integrity? It has taken me a long time to figure these things out, but I am and it's life changing.

If you say you are going to do something; do it! If you promise something; keep it! If you give someone your word; follow up on your word! If you can't do it, have the courage and humility it takes to go and explain to that person why and ask for forgiveness. I do not have perfect integrity. The more I look deep into my soul and my intentions, I find many areas I am lacking in these areas.

My kids are a great example of integrity. My daughter did not want to be baptized when she was 8 because she was worried she wouldn't be able to keep her promise of baptismal covenants that day. Our family holds the word promise in high esteem. If someone promises they did or didn't say anything, you don't need to question that in our family. If you promise something to our family we will hold that at face value even to our detriment.

Now just because in this area of integrity my family does well, there are areas with integrity that I lack. When it comes to disclosing the full truth about circumstances, my lack of vulnerability prevents me from being able to have integrity and disclose the full truth. I try and protect myself in a shell, I try and avoid the full truth so people won't hurt me. This prevents me from having complete integrity. I have been doing better but I won't lie, it's hard to expose myself to the possibility of more hurt.

And to end this incredibly long post with another quote that sums up how interlocking vulnerability and integrity play a key part in loving others as God would, it says...

Integrity is the foundation upon which character and a Christlike life are built. If there are cracks in that foundation, then it will not support the weight of other Christlike attributes that must be built upon it. How can we be humble if we lack the integrity to acknowledge our own weaknesses? How can we develop charity for others if we are not totally honest in our dealings with them? How can we repent and be clean if we only partially disclose the truth to our bishop? At the root of every virtue is integrity.

Pint or Gallon, Apple or Orange, Broken radio or New radio

When my friend called me last week we talked about how when she was trying to make changes in her life and I didn't want to go along with the program, I wasn't capable of doing what she was asking of me. Then when I finally got around to being able to do what she was asking for, she said that she isn't capable of doing what I was asking of her.

I started to think of capabilities and vulnerabilities and God. And guess what? I'm still confused but think I might be on to something.

In Tad Callister's "The Infinite Atonement" he talks about how the Atonement opens up new capabilities that were not previously ours, a whole new cache of spiritual powers that "add upon" and are given to man with godly traits that he cannot access or have by himself. My downfall and utter failure in the friendship with my friend at the time was that I did not apply this principle. I was not repenting and looking to God. I was stuck in the pit. I was not trying to utilize the Atonement in order to do what my friend was asking of me which was good and right. It's kind of like no matter how much I want to be able to fly, I cannot do so without some Godly power. My muscles, as strong as they are, lol, cannot do the job. I could not get out of the pit I was in  at that time without calling upon the Atonement and the powers of heaven.

Then I remembered a little short video that TD Jakes did about forgiveness and talking about capabilities. He talked about if you expect someone to love on a gallon level and they are a pint person, you will be disappointed. He said if you're a gallon type person, you can't expect a pint person to be able to fill your needs. Or something along those lines. He also said you can't expect a broken radio to work like a new one.

In the case of my friend and I, I believe it was our capabilities of the moment, not capabilities within us. Okay, I'm fully aware if you are still awake and reading this that I probably lost you on my lack of being able to communicate what's in my head. I'm trying to say that with God all things are possible. What she was asking at the moment I wasn't capable of doing, what I am asking of her at the moment she said she's not capable of doing either. But I believe what she was asking of me was right and good and what I am asking of her is right and good. So with God we could've been capable. With God all things are possible and the Atonement makes this so.

I was and am asking to be loved on a gallon level and she is a pint person. That's not fair to her to have expectations like that. She can't meet those and shouldn't be asked to meet those. However, even as I'm typing this, I don't believe she is a pint person. I believe she is probably a hundred gallon tanker. She embraces love, compassion, empathy, and kindness. However, she needs to discover that for herself. Despite her weaknesses or mine, the capacity to be what God wants us to be, gallon people, is possible.

Our capabilities are endless when we involve God and are willing to be vulnerable and ask for our needs to be met, when we ask for help with our weaknesses, and when we pour our soul to Him then He looks to help us.

Here is the video referenced in this post. He mentions having compassion and understanding of people...take a look. I love what he says when Oprah asks, do we keep pint people around? He says first, they are not lying to you. They are giving you what they can. You are saying I need more love and they are giving you all that they can. They empty themselves out and you have a capacity for more. Irrigate your life with more gallon people.

Who would you walk through hell with???

Being in bed sucks...however, there are many blessings in my life. First, God hears and answers prayers, even the ones just in your heart. I have been having a really hard time since last Thursday. I am feeling worse and worse now as days go by. That being said, I had a hard conversation with my friend last week and have been saying a prayer in my heart that she would understand, that she would see the bigger picture and that a God ordained and sanctified friendship could exist.

Well, this morning as I was pondering a talk in the Ensign, I was feeling quite down. Then a chance encounter between me and an acquaintance happened and I knew my Heavenly Father is aware of me. You see, she asked me a question about my ex husband and it led to a talk about my friend which then led to her saying this one statement, which led to me knowing my Heavenly Father cares about me. The person I was talking to was referencing her husband and something he and I share as a struggle, and then she most eloquently described it doesn't matter. She said, "I know no matter what his struggle or weakness in that area, there is no one else I would rather walk through hell with, I love him that much." It hit me so strongly I actually got a little physically dizzy. My friend and I used to say the same thing to each other. One time she texted me and said "enjoy hell alone." Then she and I both learned neither of us want to have to walk through that alone. We used to say that no matter what happens we would be there for each other.

It shocked me to the core that here is some lady telling me that she doesn't care what weakness her husband has, she would walk through and go through anything with him. What? People do that? He pushes her away at times and she doesn't leave? You mean there are people out there when they say they unconditionally love you, they mean it? I was floored. Not really though because one of my best friends for over twenty five years has been there for me through everything as well. But here I was hearing that her hubby has the exact same weakness that I have. And she didn't leave!!! There is goodness in the world. I asked her what helps her stay. And low and behold the answer I have been talking about the last few days....vulnerability. She said, they talk about the weakness openly. He is honest with her. He still tests her but is honest with her about his weakness and his feelings of worrying about being abandoned. Holy cow batman! I think we are on to something.

The key to loving is integrity and vulnerability. It allows people to love and be compassionate. I didn't allow my friend to be compassionate because although I shared more with her than anyone, I didn't share everything. It was like she had to put together a puzzle missing a third of the pieces. I thought I was protecting myself from her leaving. Yup that didn't work. 

It also made me have the thought about Mother Teresa and her famous quote: "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." Really, bottom line is if you leave someone, don't forgive someone, have anger towards someone, or won't walk through hell with someone, you are just judging. Sit with that for a moment and think about it. What you are literally saying to that person is your crap is too much and I am choosing to not be Christlike and don't want to put an effort in because you are too difficult. This is judging.

You see, this quote screams to me that judging is just saying your weaknesses are less of a weakness than others. And really they are not. To put it bluntly, everyone's poop stinks. Let's just help each other get rid of the stink.

By judging other's weaknesses it gives us the chance to give a blind eye to our weaknesses. We don't have to look at our crap and see if it smells. We can avoid being vulnerable and saying I need you, or I need help. We can go under our protective layer of judging others. I did this in my marriage with my ex at times. He would do something I didn't think was in line with the gospel or something and it was easier for me to look at his crap then look at mine.

We will want to protect ourselves emotionally because it is easier to not take a risk of someone rejecting us. It is easier to not love or forgive because of the big what if of if they hurt us again.

Pushing vulnerability out is a huge indicator of a lack of integrity.  The next post will talk about this. Being able to say that I would walk through hell for you because you are important to me and important to God is a big indicator of integrity. Walking through hell with a friend, spouse, acquaintance or child takes vulnerability, courage, and the risk of exposing yourself emotionally to hurt and pain. But the rewards are equal to the risk.

Crap...Now What? Peeling down to vulnerability!

The Masks I Wear...

When I look at the list of things to do to help improve myself through vulnerability and forgiveness, one word comes to mind and it's a little stronger than crap! I'm sorry and apologize to my LDS friends but the truth is this hurts. Working on yourself is not comfortable, easy, or something for the weak-hearted. I am not someone who naturally wants to expose myself and open up emotionally. In fact, I play a testing game. It's called give a little information out and see how the person acts knowing a little. If I feel they are safe, I might share a little more. I always kept a distance from people and always had an escape plan made for the ready. Because holy crap peeps, who would accept the real me? The one with a really messy background, the one who just wants to be loved, the one who would do anything to feel accepted, the one who would move heaven and earth to find someone who loves unconditionally.

And at the risk of putting it out there, I am all these things and more. Problem is I've run into a time crunch and now making the connections I was searching for, is pressing down on me hard, it has forced me into a n- choice-in-the-matter-vulnerability press. And.....that's good! For the first time ever, I feel like I am being authentic, genuine, and loving. Even if no one knows it and it just floats out here in cyber space to the zero readers of this blog, this is who I am. Now let me not pretend here, my life is a living hell right now. I will not lie. I am going through a torturous refiner's fire.

I've been reading Brene Brown's books and she talks about how connection is why we're here. We are built, engineered and wired to connect with others. It gives purpose and meaning. Without it we suffer. I am suffering. Not because of my lack of connecting but because of a connection gone bad. A forced cut in a wonderfully God sent connection.

I take a lot of the responsibility in the loss of the connection; I wasn't authentic, open, and trusting. I felt numb, powerless, fearful, out of control. I wasn't being who I am at all times. She got to see glimpses of who I am but did not get to see my whole heart. Who by spiritual nature I am. The fun I can be. For I was always in fear that she would leave me if I told her who I really was. And by doing this, it actually came to pass. For you see, instead of embracing and acting in love, we acted out of fear.

This uncomfortable journey to vulnerability sucks. I hope it shows others to not wait to act compassionately, courageously, and look for connections through genuine vulnerability. Be brave! Open your heart, be daring, love fully, forgive radically.

Vulnerability and forgiveness

I am going to continue on this vulnerability practice and start by saying, I am scared. I'm scared that I am not worthy of connection, I'm scared I have failed in this life. I am scared I am not good enough. I'm scared I failed the test. I'm scared there isn't time to fix me. I'm scared I let those I cared about the most down.

Brene Brown said this on her blog...
"I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging - something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. 

I don't believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous."

Click here to read first post about shame vs guilt.

I am in a dangerous shame cycle. Switching to a guilt cycle where I say my behavior was wrong instead of I'm wrong, can move me to love connectedness and closer connections. Being more vulnerable and risking things emotionally can move me to more love.

I was thinking of how this can help me with forgiveness, both seeking it and giving it.

First, asking for forgiveness... I came to the conclusion that it takes a lot of vulnerability to be able to ask someone to forgive you. It takes courage, it takes love, it takes God. It is an emotional risk. What if the offended tells you they want nothing to do with you? What if they tell you they can't forgive you? What if they  tell you they never want to see you again?

Or extending forgiveness...It takes a lot of vulnerability and courage to extend forgiveness to someone who has hurt you. It takes courage, it takes love, it takes God. It is an emotional risk. What if the offender offends you again. What if they hurt you again? What if they walk on you again? What if they abuse, destroy, bring you down, lie to you, knock you around, again? 

Yes, there are a lot of what if's in radical forgiveness. But what about these what if's?  What if I don't seek forgiveness? What if I don't try and make amends? What if I don't have the courage to be vulnerable and ask for forgiveness? What if I don't do as God expects and ask for forgiveness?

Yes there are a lot of what if's in radical forgiveness in extending forgiveness. But what about these what if's? What if I don't extend the forgiveness, will God extend me forgiveness? What if I don't extend forgiveness, will I ever be able to let go of anger, hate, and search for justice? What if I don't extend forgiveness, will I ever be able to feel connected to God?

The lists can go on and on and on. I think it's plain to see that being vulnerable and having the courage to both seek forgiveness and extend forgiveness has a payoff much greater than sitting in the muck, pit, and weakness of non forgiveness that destroys the human spirit and their connection with God.

Again, a quote from Eyring stating how important it is to set shame aside, be vulnerable and move with courage...

The pavilion that seems to be hiding you from God may be fear of man rather than this desire to serve others. The Savior’s only motivation was to help people. Many of you, as I have, have felt fear in approaching someone you have offended or who has hurt you. And yet I have seen the Lord melt hearts time after time, including my own. And so I challenge you to go for the Lord to someone, despite any fear you may have, to extend love andforgiveness. I promise you that as you do, you will feel the love of the Savior for that person and His love for you, and it will not seem to come from a great distance. For you, that challenge may be in a family, it may be in a community, or it may be across a nation.

Sugar Beets and Love

President Monson told a recap of Bishop Ashton's story..."Many years ago, Bishop Marvin O. Ashton (1883–1946), who served as a counselor in the Presiding Bishopric, gave an illustration I’d like to share with you. Picture with me, if you will, a farmer driving a large open-bed truck filled with sugar beets en route to the sugar refinery. As the farmer drives along a bumpy dirt road, some of the sugar beets bounce from the truck and are strewn along the roadside. When he realizes he has lost some of the beets, he instructs his helpers, “There’s just as much sugar in those which have slipped off. Let’s go back and get them!

Or a quote by Brene Brown...“You’re imperfect, and you’re wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." And at the promise of me being more vulnerable so that I might connect more, have more compassion, etc, let me admit right out, I am feeling insecure, and unloved by my friend and her family. I am wanting that connection and yet not able to find it. I feel, they dumped me when they saw I have flaws that they viewed were hurtful to my friend. Oh I wanted to believe I was family. Oh I wanted to believe their words of unconditional love. 


There's a story told by Uchtdorf which I will quote here...

The Worth of a Soul

“We cannot gauge the worth of another soul any more than we can measure the span of the universe. Every person we meet is a VIP to our Heavenly Father. Once we understand that, we can begin to understand how we should treat our fellowmen.

“One woman who had been through years of trial and sorrow said through her tears, ‘I have come to realize that I am like an old 20-dollar bill—crumpled, torn, dirty, abused, and scarred. But I am still a 20-dollar bill. I am worth something. Even though I may not look like much, and even though I have been battered and used, I am still worth the full 20 dollars.’”

I felt as though my worth had diminished because I wasn't good enough for these people to want to help. I didn't mean anything to them after 3 years of being immersed in their family. I was too hard for them. I realized this was not true, I too am worth 20 dollars, despite being ripped and torn and shredded.  I am a sugar beet that has just as much sugar even though I've been bumped around, dropped, kicked to the side of the road. I may be alone but I guess I'd rather be alone than with people who didn't want to know me and value me. And knowing my true worth in the sight of my eyes, makes it so I know I am not alone, my Heavenly Father loves me.

Vulnerability Part Two...Shame vs. Guilt

Brene has a follow up talk that I listed to on shame. She starts by saying vulnerability is courage. It takes pure courage to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is not weakness!  Let me ditto her saying that! Vulnerability is not weakness! She defines it...It is emotional risk, exposure, and it is uncertainty. She goes on to say that vulnerability is our most accurate gauge for courage.

Are you in the arena?

I'm going to take a little creative license here and say vulnerability is the birthplace of love, forgiveness, change, compassion, and creativity. It is the fuel to change. It is the fuel to living a life that is authentic and serving to get us back home.

She then talks about how shame is the counter or the opposition to this fuel.

Huge difference between shame and guilt. Shame is I am bad, guilt is I did something bad. Guilt is uncomfortable but adaptive. Shame is organized by gender. Everyone knows the wash of shame. Shame creates shut down, addictive behaviors, and behavioral messiness. Guilt can provide a gateway to seeing weaknesses in ourselves allowing for vulnerability and therefore more love, creativity, innovation and compassion. It makes way for love, forgiveness, and connection. Which this is an eternal principle of love so we can be together as a family.

In the case of my friend, I should've went to her with my real crap and said, I struggle when this happens and I need this, or I am weak here, or my health is really this, or I need to feel validated or secure when this happens, etc. I didn't. But guess what??? I am learning how to be authentic through vulnerability. I am in the arena, I may look crumpled, torn, and ripped up but I am doing what it takes.

Vulnerability is the way to find our way back to others. It creates love, not shuns it. And yes, I may continue to hurt, I may continue to lose out, but it is worth the risk.

Courage, Connection, Compassion and being Vulnerable

Whole Hearted...People who live whole heartedly- Thank you Brene Brown! The following are some key points I took from her talk. I loved it, I believe and I'm going to live it.

I was listening to a talk by Brene Brown...life changing. She reminds me so much of my friend. She talks about how people who live whole heartedly have some key commonalities. They have courage, connection, and compassion. But the cornerstone piece to all of these she found through her research was vulnerability.

She found they have compassion to be kind to themselves and then others. She talked about how because they had compassion they could be vulnerable and authentic which allowed them to have connection. By being vulnerable they discovered they could be connected, can say I love you first, they embraced vulnerability they were willing to embrace a friendship that may or may not work out, they took a risk at forgiveness, the way to live is to risk vulnerability. Wow, that's deep!

Vulnerability is the culmination of fear and shame and yet the birthplace of joy creativity and love.

We try to numb and ignore shame and fear, because we don't want to feel vulnerable. Who wants to take the risk? When we numb those however, we numb joy, gratitude, and happiness. It becomes a dangerous cycle.

So why and how do we numb? Do we avoid the person or people who may hurt us? Do we not say I love you, worrying it won't come back? Do we not let someone know our weaknesses in case they might abandon us? I wish I would've learned these things when I had time. I wish that I learned these things when it would have made a difference, but you will see through this blog I am going to practice what I preach. Even though I'm late in the game, I am going to practice this truth. I am going to be vulnerable. Let ourselves be deeply seen, love with our whole hearts even though there's no guarantee, practice gratitude and joy, be fierce in your love, be ok with vulnerability. Believe that we are enough. I am enough. I am worthy of love, I am worthy of unconditional love.

I found that had I been completely vulnerable in the situation with my friend, our connection would not have failed. It would have been stronger. I believe in many cases where we take a deep look at our lives we will see that many of us can benefit from the principle of vulnerability.

The full video is long about 20 min, but I promise you it is so worth it. Please watch!!! The link is below...
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Family...Not always blood

I love this saying for more reasons than you can imagine. First, I am adopted. So I've always made my family the people who God puts in my life. From kindred spirits to those who I've served with, my family is defined to me by the people who love me unconditionally.

Thank you to those who know me, know my weaknesses, know I am at times struggling, hurt, damaged, vulnerable, and yet who have God's love in them and love me despite these things.  I look at you as my own flesh and blood.

It got me thinking this morning as I sat alone without anyone around. Isn't that truly the purpose of life? To know that we are all family more than flesh and bones because we share something much more important...a spiritual heritage and spiritual dna so to say that means more than all of this.

This is why forgiveness and loving like God would is important. It is essential to our refining process. Sit with the thought, would you be okay standing in His presence saying you didn't do what you could to love, help, bring, or support someone home? When I pondered that this morning, I knew I needed to make some changes.

My Safe...Unsafe

Indulge me a little...it's a hard day!

My friend didn't call me on Sunday. The friend that said she wasn't ignoring me on Tuesday who knew that Sunday was the hardest day of the year for me, didn't call me. I used to tell her she was my safe. She's the one person other than my ex husband that I knew I could share my innermost thoughts with. She was the one person who got me to open up about my fears, experiences, and weaknesses. She was my safe. I felt so safe, in fact, that I shared things with her no one else knew about me. Then she left. So she can leave and I have to know that I'm okay and that as much as it hurts, she will lose out on a friend as much as I am. I'm worth the fight. 

I've had a hard day. Suffice it to say that I'm going to indulge myself and get on the pity pony again. Sorry. I'm missing my friend, she always was there when I needed a hug. Good thing my readership is like zero so I can indulge in self pity all I want. That being said, the Lord is still aware of me. I had a friend text me twice today out of the blue and I needed her humor. Sometimes bad news stirs the heart for more growth. Ugh, I'm done with growing. Please stop already.  However that being said, I learned a lot on Sunday from an Oprah show that I've been wanting to talk about.

Patterns repeating are you trying not to repeat patterns. As I was getting ready for church today, Oprah's network happened to be on the TV. It was some guru of hers talking about relationships, whether family, friends, spouses, etc. He basically said that we pick people who can help us break patterns that were established from our childhood hurts. He specifically mentioned the fear of abandonment or being critiqued or being judged. These three factors are found in many childhoods and we generally pick people to be in our life that will help us break the cycles of feeling abandoned, critiqued or judged.  If at anytime in the friendship or marriage, some of these qualities rear their head then we project them onto the other or take them on ourselves. In my case, I was reacting out of fear when I criticized my friend. Fear she would leave, which she did. Fear she didn't love me, which she didn't, fear there's something wrong with me, which there is.

My safe became my unsafe.

But for now I will wait for the next pattern to repeat as God gives me another chance to correct my weaknesses. I know I am all over the place in this post, due to an emotional rant, but it is what it is.

Which leads me to my next blog post of the opposite of love is not hate but fear, which makes us hate, angry, resentful, revengeful, etc.

Holy Smack Upside the Head Batman! Forgiveness Motives

Okay, so I was reading a sample of a book about forgiveness by Tracy Stier Johnson,while researching for my book on forgiveness, when I realized...I still have some forgiveness practices wrong. I feel as though God is changing me once precept at a time. This one just happened to hit me hard.

The author was talking about what forgiveness is not. She asked the reader to check their motives and says, "Raise your hand if you've ever read or heard a message and thought, "Oh how I wish so and so were here for this message, she So needs it!" I am telling you right now that's what this whole blog has been about!!!! Yep, I'm that lame. It has helped me grow in so many ways to write this blog. I will never be the same after all I have learned. However, the whole time I've been writing this, I've been hoping that my friend would also get the message. How could she ever deny the words of the prophets? I would hope she is getting the message as clearly as I was. (Do you hear my ego and hurt coming through?)

Have you sat through a lesson on Sunday and wished that your spouse was "getting" it? Then you know what I'm talking about right? You know, the lesson on treating your spouse great. Or the lesson you want your kids to hear on working. Or in my case the lessons on forgiving, loving, unconditional love, loving others, etc., that I want my friend to hear on a consistent basis.

Sometimes, like last Sunday, I was hoping that she was hearing the same lesson on Charity that we were getting at our church because "oh she so needed to hear that!!!" What??? Did you hear me? That is crazy for me to wish that she would get it, so that she could see what a huge mistake she is making by not forgiving. But the situation would get that much better if she could just "get" it right? I mean seriously, two people who love each other and want to do the Lord's will, should be able to engage in a healthy friendship based on mutual trust, respect, and love even after hardship, based on the Atonement, right????

The truth is it doesn't matter. My forgiveness needs to be extended to her and my love increased for her independently if she ever "gets" it or not. My forgiveness to her isn't based on the condition that she acknowledge her wrongdoing, and isn't conditional on her "getting" that she hurt me as bad as she is hurting. It is not conditional forgiveness based on if she wants to ever reconcile with me. It is given because I love God and her. Wow, that's big.

I've known the whole time I've been writing this blog that it would be helpful for me to write because it exposes a lot of my weaknesses and can help bring me closer to God. This weakness was a big blaring one right smack upside my head. Let's hear me say "Doh."

Do I still have the motives that she ends up seeing forgiveness the way God intends? Yes, but I need to work on repenting for my mistakes more than worry about if another person repents for theirs. This was an eye opener that I need to work on. I can't worry about whether she cares or not if she hurts my family, I can't worry that her family has misinformation and treats mine poorly, I can't worry if she wants her son to have a friendship with mine, I can't worry about or control any of it. I can only worry about my part in making things better. I can worry about me not judging her. I can worry about me praying and fasting for her and her kids. I can worry about me making sure I speak highly of them and her whole family. I can worry about loving her unconditionally and then if she ever wants to reconcile I will be ready and open with nothing but love towards her. I can worry about her health, her happiness, and her spirit. I will struggle at times with hurt feelings but I will engage God and work at developing those feelings. Because I know she is my sister, she is my family, she is a kindred friendship to me.

Rebuilding Trust Through Charity

My friend texted me, "Like anything, trust can be rebuilt."  This was after a text I wrote her saying that our friendship had a lack of trust in it. This was within a month of her cutting off all communication. In fact, a few days before cutting communication off, she was showing up at my house and telling me we can do this, we can keep the good in our friendship and just get rid of the bad.

A very tender saying to me is, "One can hardly build a defense against love." I believe this with everything in me for the person who said this to me does not lie, cannot lie, and wants the best for me.

So how do you build trust with someone who is ignoring you? How do you love someone who wants nothing to do with you? The answer is you can't. You can only do what you can, and that is align yourself vertically, meaning look to God in your thoughts, prayers, and actions. You can pray for the other to soften their heart, you can make sure your integrity is aligned with the Lord's will, and you can love the other person in your heart fully. Seeing things from their point of view and respecting their free agency will help you let go of the hurt. Okay, but can trust ever be rebuilt this way?

No, it is important that the parties involved be willing and open to each other in order to re-establish trust. If you are ignoring or being ignored the avenues for rebuilding are shut down. The supplies to build the bridge can't get to the contractors, if you know what I mean. Once the doors to communication are open, be sensitive to each other's needs and hurt. Don't rush in thinking you can go right back where things were and all is good. Give each other the opportunity to apologize, take responsibility, and show their sorrow. Again, remember you offering them forgiveness is just like you apologizing for not loving them in the first place. We all sin, just differently. We have all hurt the Savior but He doesn't hold it against us, He helps us more.

Continue to open lines of communication with the person, allowing for trust to be rebuilt. As trust is rebuilt the pain from past hurt will start to fade and more trust will be allowed in. It will take a lot of positive interactions to outweigh the hurt but focusing on a new start can be the most positive thing you can do for yourself. This will allow you to start to feel safe again with the person that hurt you.

My guess is that neither party likes feeling the way they are. If that is the case, ask yourself why you are allowing yourself to sit in the muck. Open the door for the Atonement to start working. Charity has been defined as the "highest, noblest, strongest kind of love, the pure love of Christ; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with her." (From Pres. Monson's talk Charity Never Faileth) If this be the case, shouldn't we all be shooting to have the pure love of Christ? If you are the offended, does it help you to ignore? Does it help you to shut down emotionally and not extend love to the one that hurt you? Does it help you to hold on to all the injustice? Wouldn't it be easier and less painful to follow the example of Christ and love the offender more? If you are the offender...does it help you to not take responsibility? Does it help you to try and blame the other person? Does it help you to not take responsibility? Wouldn't it be easier and less painful to follow the example of Christ and love the offended more?

President Monson said this in the same talk mentioned above...

I consider charity—or “the pure love of Christ”—to be the opposite of criticism and judging. In speaking of charity, I do not at this moment have in mind the relief of the suffering through the giving of our substance. That, of course, is necessary and proper. Tonight, however, I have in mind the charity that manifests itself when we are tolerant of others and lenient toward their actions, the kind of charity that forgives, the kind of charity that is patient.

I have in mind the charity that impels us to be sympathetic, compassionate, and merciful, not only in times of sickness and affliction and distress but also in times of weakness or error on the part of others.

There is a serious need for the charity that gives attention to those who are unnoticed, hope to those who are discouraged, aid to those who are afflicted. True charity is love in action. The need for charity is everywhere.

Needed is the charity which refuses to find satisfaction in hearing or in repeating the reports of misfortunes that come to others, unless by so doing, the unfortunate one may be benefited. The American educator and politician Horace Mann once said, “To pity distress is but human; to relieve it is godlike.” ¹¹

Yesterday at ward conference our Stake President said we have a choice. We can either listen and do what our prophets say or we can turn the other way and walk. My hope would be that people want to use charity and start rebuilding the bridges of trust so we can help each other home. I know this is easier said than done but aligning with God makes it possible as it's said, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me” (Phillipians 4:13).

My life seems bleak today...but I am loved...

President Benson said, "We live, in an age when, as the Lord foretold, men’s hearts are failing them, not only physically but in spirit. (See D&C 45:26.) Many are giving up heart for the battle of life. Suicide ranks as a major cause of deaths of college students. As the showdown between good and evil approaches with its accompanying trials and tribulations, Satan is increasingly striving to overcome the Saints with despair, discouragement, despondency, and depression."

Today is one of the hardest days of the year for me.  I have had 9 miscarriages in my life and the majority of the 9 have happened on February 10th. The other ones were on Mother's day, December 27th, and the middle of July sometime.

As if this day wasn't hard enough already, it is also the day that my supposed best friend called me years ago and we forged an instant friendship. I had been laying on the floor crying, while my kids were in school, my husband and I separated at the time, and the phone rang. I didn't answer the phone. I wasn't able to because of the sadness and crying. On this Tuesday, I had no idea that my life was about to change forever. The caller, my bff to be, left a message saying to call her back. I did. I remember the conversation clearly. We talked shortly about how the week was going to be hard because of Valentines Day and she said "maybe you should start doing some things with us, we might go to the movies this week." She had a roommate at the time. Her ex husband had been gone for over a year at this point. I felt that Heavenly Father had divinely placed this person in my life. 

That is what makes this day even worse than before. I miss her, I miss her family, and I miss the what could have been if the friendship had developed the way God intended.


Sometimes, I think I would rather forego knowing joy just so I don't have to travel through pain to understand joy more. I am hurting and it, well, hurts.

I have been blessed throughout my life with a few kindred friendships.  These friends have proven themselves time and again. They have been my spiritual life preservers.  In looking back on my post about not fitting in a box, I made it quite clear, I am probably not the easiest person to love. I come with a lot of baggage. I'm not sure why. Sometimes I feel like my brain just does not work right or work like other peoples brain. That is besides the point. The point is, there is no other blessing that compares to my family and my kindred friendships.  They have come at times when I have been drowning spiritually. Which is why I seem so obsessive in this blog about talking about the loss of one of my dear friendships.

That being said, I have been so blessed, even in this most difficult time, with the tender mercy of friendship, bestowed on me from a loving Heavenly Father who knows I am hurting. My friend who cut the communication off, called me on Tuesday of this week. It has been difficult dealing with that to say the least. She expects me not to contact her but she can call me at any given time. Does she not understand the hurt that her ignoring causes? She said she is not ignoring but that she quit life. Well, her dad said she is teaching me a lesson. Whatever the case, when you are not talking to someone who has tried to make amends, you are ignoring.

She called, she said to clarify something about our two sons texting, saying she isn't interfering with a friendship between the two. So she wasn't calling to make things better. I think the reason it was hard to hear from her was because the night before my son prayed for her to soften her heart towards us. She then after calling and talking for 20 minutes went right back to ignoring, after telling me how badly she is doing. The unconditional love and never leaving hope just went out the door again. (I know sob story, feel bad for me)

Anywhoo when I told my son she called that day he said, "see Heavenly Father answers prayers." He is so faithful. He doesn't understand why in this situation forgiveness, the Atonement, and love, can't fix this. I continue to tell him it can, but free agency can't be messed with. She has to choose to want this too, all Heavenly Father can do is support and soften, the person still has to choose.

Okay, back to my post, sorry the tangent...Anyways, my Heavenly Father knows how bad I am hurting and I will do my best to fight through the worse day of the year. I know, I'm riding my pity pony to sad city, right up to the bitter barn. However, on this day of the year, I allow it. I pray my Heavenly Father will once again know how hard the day is and support me the way I need.

Uchtdorf said, "Surrounded by those we love, we will know the meaning of ultimate joy as we progress in knowledge and in happiness. No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations.

The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light."

Make Up Your Mind....Love Your Enemies

“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.” - Martin Luther King Jr.

“It is easy enough to be friendly to one’s friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business.” - Gandhi

It has been a rough couple of days around here...but that usually signals some great growth opportunities. It made me search through a lot of reading and material and the idea of Matt: 5:44 kept coming to my mind. The scripture says...

"But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;"

I guess I am feeling pretty hated, being cursed and persecuted, so the scripture hits pretty close to home and my heart has been swelling since I read it. I then began a study of what it means to love those that hate, despise, persecute, or just don't want you around. The answer when I found it was so simple.

It's in our spiritual DNA!!! Just like everything else, LOVE, is our divine nature. Go with me on this one. In the book, "The Infinite Atonement," we learn that just as we are made with the genetic makeup or our earthly biological parents, so too we are made with the spiritual makeup of our Heavenly parents.  Now let that sink in for a minute. If, just as we receive physical attributes from our parents here, we receive our spiritual code from God himself. That seems logical to me. Just as a puppy will never grow up to be a cow, but a dog, we are built to become spiritually like God himself.

So here we go... If God and the Savior love us even after we have hurt them and we have their spiritual makeup, then we too can love our enemies.

President Monson said this in a talk about loving others..."Who is my neighbor? Someone asked that question, then answered it: “I don’t know his name, but his dog tramples down my flowers. His boy honks the horn and keeps me awake at night, and his children make so much noise I can’t enjoy life. But yesterday I noticed some black crepe at his window, and I knew that someone had passed away. I decided it was time I became acquainted with my neighbor. Let us not wait for that type of event before we become acquainted with our neighbor and show love for him or for her."

Choose to transform your relationships. Commit to yourself that you will choose differently now. You will choose Love over fear. Choose your divine nature that you can love those who are the hardest to love, who have hurt you, and who need it the most. Be God-like as your spiritual nature and makeup have created you to be. You are great. Choose to go beyond just feeling okay about someone, look at things from their perspective, feel their hurt, have compassion, and open your heart. I'm not saying to walk into dangerous paths if they have tendencies to hurt you such as physical abuse, I'm saying develop the kindred connection that binds us together as a family through God. Pray for them, serve them, do good to them, try and understand them, love them as God would. 

Indicators of forgiveness...We are no ordinary beings, we are eternal.

I have often heard people say that they have forgiven so and so, only to hear them days later tell a story about the person that is not positive. Or I myself have done this...Oh, I forgive so and so, I just won't forget or I hope a piano comes crashing down on their head.

So what are the signs that you have truly forgiven someone??? Let's take a look at the indicators below.

--Would you plead and beg Heavenly Father in their behalf that they be admitted into His presence?
--Do you have an increased love and compassion for the person who offended? (not saying you have an increased love for the offense but the offender)
--Do you pray for the one who you've forgiven?
--Do you reach out to the one you've forgiven to let them know of your love for them?
--If you were asked to leave a room if you had any unkind feelings toward the person who hurt you, would you need to leave?
--Have you repented for not loving the person who offended you and seeing things from their side or point of view?
--Have you become a tender mercy of love towards the person, extended by our Heavenly Father to let the offender free?

Now let me be the first to say that these are extreme indicators. Not many people can reach this level of forgiveness for some of the offenses that have occurred against us. It is my belief that this is the level of forgiveness the Lord wants us to achieve in forgiveness.  If you think about the Celestial Kingdom, it is going to be made up of all kinds of people who have sinned and repented. Do you think that you will be able to be in that Kingdom harboring hard feelings towards anyone? I dare say no. I think Heavenly Father knows us better and expects and requires more from us.  I love this video by Uchtdorf, where he talks of our divine nature and potentiality. May we reach for the stars even in extending the hand of forgiveness to one of our brothers and sisters. This can change the world by knowing who we are.

Eyring said this..."And so I challenge you to go for the Lord to someone, despite any fear you may have, to extend love and forgiveness. I promise you that as you do, you will feel the love of the Savior for that person and His love for you, and it will not seem to come from a great distance."

And Hunter said...“This year, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgigve an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again.

Whoa, this one is going to hurt a little...

This blog post hurt my little head when I wrapped my brain around the concept that I'm trying to portray. It talks about the "why" of forgiveness. There are many reasons as to why to forgive: to free yourself from the anger and hate, to free the offender from guilt and worry, to release yourself from the negative affects of harboring ill feelings, and on and on. In fact, a lot of times people will say forgiveness is not about the offender but about you so you can move on.  And while I agree with that concept, an almost higher law popped into my head after reading in "The Infinite Atonement."

Let me explain...from "The Infinite Atonement" we read, "It was CS Lewis who again reaffirmed this divine proposition: "It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature...which you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics. There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal."

Holy cow batman! That concept is incredibly great. To paraphrase, he is saying that we, our actions, are either helping someone become a God or Goddess or someone an eternal horror. So our actions, have imprints and consequences to other's lives. Even if they have hurt us beyond measure, we have a choice to help them become more like Christ or more evil. That's it. You have a choice in forgiving and helping them home, or not and helping them drive a wedge between them and God. However, be careful if you do not, and I say this more to myself, you may be driving the wedge between yourself and God.

I would hate to be the one who gets up to the pearly gates and has to explain to Heavenly Father why I couldn't find a way to help a brother or sister home. Even one that has hurt me. Now that being said, I am still working on hurt feelings and trying to get there for a friend that hurt me. The why forgive makes great sense, now the how to forgive is a little harder. Just today my son told me something my friend's son said and it reopened the wounds of hurt that I have been working on. Knowing this important concept though, has helped me see and understand God's will, and I will forgive.

Another great reason to forgive others is...CS Lewis said, "Being a Christian means forgiving the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." So do we just forgive through words? Or does our very being seek out how to help the one we forgive? Which would  you want the Savior to do for you?

There are so many reasons why to forgive and not any good reasons why you shouldn't forgive.

Tender Mercies of the Lord through the Atonement

Not sure where the saying came from but this is so true..."You don't know how much you need air till you're drowning." Sometimes you don't know how much you need the Atonement and the Savior, till you are broken hearted, downtrodden, and without the air the Savior has to offer.

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised." Isaiah 61

As I have been reading through every Atonement book I can get my hands on, I am learning how nothing I am without the Savior. With Him I can be everything but I am nothing without Him. Now, I know that is not something most everyone already knows. It's not like I am offering you a newsflash! But the understanding of it was a newsflash to me!

In the case with my ex, I saw the tender mercies of the Lord everywhere! People stopping by, new friendships formed. My broken heart was mended and held in the palms of His hands. People seemed to come out of the woodwork to help buoy my little family. There were countless blessings poured out amongst me and my two kiddos. One of which was my best friend. The happiness, comfort, and countless help she provided to our family was one of the Lord's most tender mercies.

And now as I go through this time with the heartbreak from a broken friendship, I see the tender mercies once again. The tender mercy of compassion and an increased love for my friend, a Heavenly Father who knows me so well who has given me comfort where no one else could, the tender mercy of repentance and forgiveness. Air from the Savior, desperately needed, came at a time when I felt I could no longer press forward. The sting of heartache that begs you to turn to the Lord for forgiveness and love is the greatest of tender mercies from my Heavenly Father.

Elder Bednar stated some of the ways that tender mercies are demonstrated in our lives..." Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits “his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men” And then he says, "Repentance and forgiveness of sins and peace of conscience are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord.

I emphatically testify that the Savior of all men can save us from the heartache, depression, downtrodden discouragement, painful loneliness, abandonment, and all kinds of hurts and blemishes, as we turn to Him and beg for the consoling, comfort, and healing balm of the Savior. Whether your hurts are caused by sin, adversity, someone else, or tragic accident, He will be there for you. It may not come till after the trial of your faith, but it will come. I am as messed up as they come and He cares enough to love me, so I know He will do the same for you.

Ignore-ance is Bliss! Pun intended...

Last night at soccer, I had a good visit with a friend about my situation and the recent hurt I've been feeling. She made the point that in the case of her ex-husband, if he ignores her then he doesn't have to accept the full responsibility in the hurt that occurred between the two. He is able to move on and not revisit the pain because he pretends he did nothing wrong. He is in survival mode. If I don't look at it, it doesn't exist.

I have to say, I agree with her assessment totally. In the case of my ex-husband and my best friend of the past 3 years, I have seen this with both of them. If you know about the rainbow color code book by Hartmann, it is their color yellow that I think comes out. The one that if it's too hard, let's not do it because it's not fun. They justify they have done enough already in the not fun category and it's time to move on and find some healing and fun.  Now let me make a disclaimer here: I'm sure I have made much worse mistakes than their lack of responsibility that I'm speaking of here.

Anyway, in the case of my ex-husband, when he got caught doing some things, he bailed. He packed up and left when he was made aware that he had been caught. He did everything he could to justify his actions for leaving, even telling me it was because I betrayed him by asking for a blessing when I found out what he had been doing. (side note, my ex and I have a great relationship now, and we don't harbor ill feelings toward one another.)

Then in the case of my supposed best friend, when I pushed her button of calling her a hypocrite several times for the hurt that was in our friendship, one day it was too much for her and she started ignoring me. I haven't heard from her since. She had done this once before and ignored me for about a week. This seems to be a pattern in her family. When I first met her, her sister ignored her sister in law and cut her out of her life for a year and a half on a hurtful misunderstanding. My friend cut out a person before me because of perceived hurt as well. Her mom will disappear for a few days from life if she is feeling hurt.

(I'm sure this post would have them ducking for cover instead of looking at themselves and saying wow this is a weakness I'm going to work on.) In fact, me looking at their weakness with this is just a cover so I don't have to work on mine as much, lol! But the hurt of their ignoring is killing me and has been very hurtful to my kids. This friend was at our house for 3 years straight 75% of the time. And yes, she not only ignored me, but my kids as well. Ok, enough of my hurt coming out, I will shove that away and get back to the post.

You see, to some people ignoring or displacing responsibility and blame are a defense mechanism.  It's the way they cope, it's the way they move forward.  I am sure, I have just as many unhealthy, if not more, coping skills than my friend and ex.  However, when my friend was talking about it last night, it really made me think.

Wouldn't it be easier or at least better, if everyone involved in any situations of hurt could separate the actions of others from the person and sit down in love and compassion and take responsibility and forgive each other??? It is hard work when you have the knowledge of how much you have hurt someone, it's best not to hurt others, but when you do the blisters of repairing and making amends is much more appealing than sticking your head in the sand and pretending a person or their hurt doesn't exist.

Don't worry my next post will be about my side and how I shouldn't make posts about things like this. lol!