On July 19th a few years back, something hurtful happened to my pbff and my friendship. For a few years we traveled through the muck of it trying to repair from the damage and fallout of the next few months of it. The eventual parting of the friendship is what led to this blog. So every July 19 I have a really hard day. Two days ago was no exception. Especially since my kids were in an event that her family's kids were also involved in and we ran into each other. In a way, it was good because I was hoping she would extend me the courtesy of giving me a few minutes of her time, but it was incredibly hard at the same time because like the quote above, she is impossible to forget. Her entire family is. They are amazing people, not despite their flaws but because of their flaws. I have learned so much over the last 7 months since she has been ignoring me. It made me turn inward and look to see my flaws, work on them and try to improve.
They have judged me and accused me of not being trustworthy because I said mean and hurtful things to my pbff. She even questioned my medical history (I was recently diagnosed with a non cool condition and have been getting treatments) and things that I have been going through. They thought everything I did or was doing was a manipulation according to a mutual friend who spoke to her dad. I had to look inward and see if I am trustworthy. I started questioning everything. The mom I am, the friend I am, the person I am, the experiences I have had. All of it. Where I came out? I'm trustworthy! Yay! I did a full self evaluation and yes I make many mistakes. I have done some things that are not actions my best self can be and have even been dishonorable in some of my actions. But I don't lie, I don't hide agendas, and I don't try and hide my weaknesses. I am open that I am a flawed person. So when they questioned my integrity, it hurt me deeply.
I love this quote from Jeffrey R Holland..."Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad." Now let me state how hurtful it is to not receive this from those you love and who said they love you. My pbff's family said they loved us, that the love was unconditional and that we were their family. They extended this love freely, it hurt when they stripped this away by assuming the worse of me. They never cared enough to hear things from the other side. And guess what? None of that matters.
Holy crud! People of the non reading blog world, listen up, beloveds....None of this matters. What matters is that we love others and we forgive them more than the hurt they cause. Now this is hard as yesterday attested to. I went up to talk to my pbff at the event and after a few things her family did this week, and it was hard. But I'm working on it. I need to think the best of them, assume the good, and doubt the bad that floods my mind. Because my pbff will always have my heart and be a part of me and who I am.
The takeaway from this week? I don't know what's gonna happen in the next little while with some of the things going on but this I do know. Despite whether or not my pbff and her family love me and my kids, it doesn't matter. What matters is my Heavenly Father loves me. He knows I am good, worth it, honest, and trying my best with the cards I'm dealt. He also loves her and her family just as much and she is worth it, loving, and good. I need to forgive with more force than the hurt. I look forward to the day when they will see exactly what the truth of the situation is and I can finally have my chance to beg their forgiveness, love them, and embrace our friendship once again. Even if not in this life.
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