What is Shame? Dr. Brene Brown

Shame is lethal, shame is deadly. I am sharing this because I believe it so much. I will not give power to my shame... These are the three ingredients Brene says grows shame; secrecy, silency and judgement.

Dr. Brené Brown: "Shame Is Lethal"

Shame and vulnerability researcher Dr. Brené Brown says shame is the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. It's the most primitive human emotion we all feel—and the one no one wants to talk about. If left to its own devices, Dr. Brown says, shame can destroy lives. Watch as she reveals the three things shame requires to grow—and the one thing that can stop shame in its tracks.

I hope you know I had a hard time...

Really struggling today....And I hate cancer. Amazing little girl.

Teddy and me...Getting real up in the grill.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs.... [And] if he fails, at least fails while Daring Greatly." --Theodore Roosevelt

There is a book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, who is currently my fav social worker in the world. She is amazing...introduced to me by my dearest friend. My friend is the one that gave me the courage to Dare Greatly and trust others that they will love me for my weaknesses not despite my weaknesses. She has taught me the true meaning of friendship, love and family.  I truly am blessed to have met someone as loving, kind, and spiritual as she. We have known each other for over two and half decades and she is a rock in my family foundation. Never moving.

Sorry, got off topic here for a minute. So I want to be the person that stands in the arena of vulnerability and who is marred by the dust and sweat and blood of never quitting despite all of my weaknesses and insecurities. And if I do fail, well then, I too, will fail while Daring Greatly. I will not fail by not trying, or listening to those who encourage me to take the weak way out. I will embrace the truth of who I am, my capabilities, and seek to overcome them and become what the divine nature in me has to offer. I will find compassion for those who have tossed me to the side, or not taken the time to get to know the real me. I will find healing balm for those I have hurt. I will seek to build others and grow through seeking the divine within.

I will dare greatly to engage, show compassion, seek forgiveness, give forgiveness, and move to who I was meant to be because of who I am. 

My commitment to daring greatly will take me to areas of being vulnerable and sharing with you some of my deepest, not scary, sometimes dark parts of who I am, because it will more exhibit the light I have. Wow, now that was deep. I don't even know who is typing this. 

Ok, quick funny story...I was talking to my son about vulnerability and we were playing soccer. Needless to say, I hurt my foot that had already been broken playing soccer once, when my son looked at me and said, "Mom, soccer hates you, maybe it's time to hang up the boots." Yes, I am getting older. How was that for embracing a vulnerability?

Here's to daring greatly and finding courage, compassion and connection through being vulnerable. I may be intermixing Brene's awesomeness, but this makes sense to me. 

Sharing your shame story with the wrong people.

Recently, my pbff made a threat to me after she felt threatened (kind of like the fight or flight post previous to this one). The back up story is this. Very early on I trusted my pbff with some sensitive shame info. She told me at that time it was ok to tell her because she would never tell anyone and she would never leave me. I opened up my heart and shared what most people would never dream of. When she left, I told her that it was a good thing I keep my word because she could have her license in her profession taken away as well as her family's reputation hurt. I said this as a way of proving that I still had her back. I wanted her to know that with everything going down, I still cared enough to not do what my counselor suggested which was to turn her into the licensing board. She took this as a threat. And when she did, she said this to me the other day..."What is it you are saying because just remember that no matter what you know about me, I know all about your past and will tell too." My pbff even did what she accused my ex of doing which was threatening to tell and this after saying how horrible it was for him to do that. This video below showed me why I shared with the wrong person. She was in a position of power over me and in a trusted profession. I shared with her my deepest fears, weaknesses, and struggles because I thought she was what Brene Brown shared as being the one person that would love me because of my weaknesses. Not despite them.

That being said, I believe she was one of the biggest blessings in my life. I learned more from her than anyone else.

Paradox and the Natural Man, Fight or Flight, Oh My...Big topics

So the last few days, I have been thinking a lot about the natural man and it's tendencies when one is hurt. We have a thing called fight or flight response, see the definition provided by Wikipedia...

The fight-or-flight response (also called the fight-or-flight-or-freeze response, hyperarousal, or the acute stress response) is a physiological reaction that occurs in response to a perceivedharmful event, attack, or threat to survival.^[1] It was first described by Walter Bradford Cannon.^[a][2] by sympathetic nervous system activation that innervates the adrenal medulla, producing a hormonal cascade that results in the secretion of catecholamines, especially.^[3] The reaction is activated by the autonomic nervous system, which primes the animal for fighting or fleeing.^[4]

And having this fight or flight response can be a great thing, or it can be a detrimental thing in some cases. For instance, when you are feeling attacked, left, or threatened, your fight or flight can help in most instances, or it may hurt. When I went through counseling with my ex, he explained that when my ex hurt me, my fight response kicked in. He would say something harsh and I would attack him right back with mean words. In the case of my dear friend, she would do something unintentionally that was hurtful and I would say mean things to her. Again, the fight response kicking in; thinking that this would help save me, when in fact it helped push those I loved away.

So in thinking about the fight or flight response and the natural man, which means unrepentant man, I have come up with a theory or supported one in the Falling to Heaven book. In FTH, Ferrell talks about paradoxes or doing the opposite of what you might think you should. He gives a sporting example like when you are going to rebound a basketball the best move is to move away from the basket, block out your opponent and grab the rebound even if your first gut instinct is to move towards the basket.

So in looking at this and forgiveness, I have a theory that we should do exact opposite of what our natural instinct is when we are flooded with hurt and anger. For instance, if someone has hurt you and they are saying mean things, you may want to say mean things back. Do not! In fact, make sure you say really kind things to everyone you meet about this person. If someone is ignoring you, as in my case, make sure you continually say hi, go out of your way to do kind things, etc. I wasn't doing this until recently but I realized a great thing. Then their ignoring is going to be on their shoulders. They will have to explain one day to God why they couldn't come to a reconciliation and loving approach. When you want them to hurt because they have hurt you, pray harder, fast more, for them! What? Yes, that's right. Do the opposite of what your fight or flight response is sending you. Love them more!

Now, I get that some cases are extremely hard. Your kids may have been hurt by another, your family members may have been hurt, or the hurt is inexcusable. That's when I have to go back to two previous points in some prior posts. What if it was the Savior's sister that hurt you? Would you forgive her completely and want to help her? Yes! Well guess what? It is the Savior's sister or brother that has hurt you. We are tied by divine nature. The second point is, if you did something inexcusable would you want the Savior to forgive you or walk away? That is exactly why we must forgive others. Just because we sin differently or hurt people differently, doesn't mean we don't hurt others. We need forgiveness which requires us to step up our forgiving.

Phewwww!!!! That was long and a little not great but hopefully my next post I will describe some actual situations where it illustrates these points.

Worth of a Soul

I love this saying because for the last 6 months I have felt like I have zero worth. Then I was reminded of Robin Williams saying...

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone . . . it's not! The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone." 
- Robin Williams

When you have been surrounded by people who tell you they love you unconditionally and then the rug is pulled out from under you, it makes you question who you are. Are you really unlovable? Are you really of such low value or such a bad person that another would not want anything to do with you? These are questions I was asking myself. Then I got the answer....it doesn't matter what they think. It matters what my Heavenly Father thinks and knows and what I know about myself.  

Reading Uchtdorf's quote, I know that I have worth. If my pbff or her family doesn't value me or my kids in their life anymore, it really is their loss. We still value them. Amazing people that anyone is lucky enough to rub shoulder's with. God has great things in store for her and her family, she is that kind of person.

But back to my value since this is a let's talk about me blog. I realized that my worth doesn't come in just the form of I'm a good person, etc. It comes into light with I am of divine origin and have divine qualities. So if you know of people struggling and their divine qualities are not showing, it's our responsibility to help them, love them, support them, and recognize that we will be asked by God at the pearly gates, what we did to help them. Often times, at least it's my belief, that sometimes members of the church are so caught up in getting people converted that they don't look to see that people amongst them need just as much help. This is because everyone, sinners and saints, all have worth that can't be measured to our Heavenly Father and many have covenanted to help them. 

I have been a poor example of this up until recently. Which is going to lead to my next post about the Natural Man and doing the opposite of what you want to do sometimes. 

June 10...ugh, I mean it's ok...

Today is June 10th and while I normally dread this day, today I will celebrate the good things that have come into my life. 3 years ago today my divorce was final. It was a sad day. The day that said my soul mate, my eternal companion, and better half and I were no longer married.

But I have forgiven. And I continue to forgive. And I struggle. And I work harder. But that's when I count my blessings. And boy, have I had a lot of blessings come into my life since.

I met my bff and her family when my husband left.
Got a preschool up and running.
Met some amazing people the last 6 mos and have started working on my health.
Have been given some opportunities I didn't think were possible.
Have been blessed with an appreciation for those who love me and my kiddos unconditionally.
Have been able to grow a relationship with my Savior.
Have learned more about myself, the Gospel, and people in general and how to love others.

Grateful for the two most loving, kind kids in the world. Phewww! I am blessed. This reminds me of my ex and my bff. I made decisions today that have freed me in so many ways.