Yesterday was a difficult and yet freeing day. I want to thank my God for my trials, my weaknesses, and His strength. For the past several months I have been struggling with missing my best friend. I took a huge step yesterday and realized a great truth with the help of a friend. I got to see a side to my friend and her family that I didn't think possible which helped me see that they are not capable of finding good in me, which allowed me to let go of the hope of her forgiving me. So where is the good news in all of this? I'm sure I'm killing you with boredom of the drama...but here is the major, major, did you hear the word major take away.
In D&C 101:4-5 we learn something interesting. Now go with me for a minute and then I will get to the meat and taters of the scripture. Thinking back to Abraham's day, we know that he and Sarah had the difficult trial of being able to conceive a child. Sarah was heartbroken and devastated and at times doubted the Lord's promise that they would be able to conceive. So one would think that was a pretty hard trial and yet...Yep wait for it...They would later be asked to sacrifice/kill their son that they had waited for for 90 years to conceive. Are you with me here? Imagine that, after all the waiting and heartache and disappointment, then you finally get the son you've waited for only to be asked to sacrifice him.
Ok, so now back to how this pulls into D&C 101:4-5. We are told in these scriptures that we will be required to go through and be chastened and tried even as Abraham who was commanded to offer up his only son. Read below...
4 Therefore, they must needs be achastened and tried, even asbAbraham, who was commanded to offer up his only son.
5 For all those who will not aendure chastening, but bdeny me, cannot be sanctified.
So we are going to at some time be tried and chastened to the level of Abraham. Are you following? And then the second part is our requirement to endure the chastening so we can be sanctified. So pulling it altogether with the quote up top, we get to choose today how we can look at these chastenings as opportunities to grow or obstacles that keep us from growing.
My bff's mom gave me a book called "Get out of the Pit" by Beth Moore. In it she talked about the different ways you can get shoved, slip, or jump into a pit.
Pit by definition meaning something we can't get out of by ourselves. I want to offer you something right here to help you, it's a thought to help you keep reading. "With God all things are possible."
She talks about abuse as a child, so much so that you may live in a shame pit. Your only reference to the world is that you are not good enough, you don't fit in, you were abandoned, etc. Or maybe you jumped into the pit through sin. Or maybe you got shoved in by a loved one. Whatever the case, you are in a pit. You need out. She goes on to say that we may even pretend to not be in a pit and decorate our pit with the latest and greatest from Pottery Barn, we may hang signs that say Welcome, and we may feel right at home in our pit.
Our pits can look like abandonment, shame, codependence, addiction, shame, oh did I mention that one twice? These are real. Please, know you are loved, know you are not alone. A lot of us are in pits right now. Look around. I am. This entire blog demonstrates that I am in a pit. Moore talks about you may be in a pit you never wanted or intended to be. She gives the example of herself stepping into a friendship that turned sour. Kind of like mine. She said both parties walked into the friendship with crystal clear intentions to help each other, support each other, and go through life as kindred friends. But she said that the relationship went bad as God slipped from it. Same with mine. And now I sit in my pit, with my LayZ boy recliner, bag of peanut m&m's, and enjoy hell alone.
We may start in our pits innocently. I'm gonna have to get real for a moment and be a little vulnerable and tell you some bits of my story so you can see what I mean. To protect those I love and guard my heart a little, suffice it to say, I had some abuse in my life. Now, normally I would be telling this story for some validation and a "oh, you've been through so much" statement. But I tell you for the mere fact that I think anyone would agree that I didn't jump in the pit by my own doing. But the choices that I made to deal with the pit I was shoved into, didn't help me get out. Turning to new pits of bitterness, anger, reclusiveness, putting a guard up around my heart, are a few to name. Some people turn to addictions. I made the most ridiculously stupid decisions anyone can make. And I continue to do so at times when I am in the pit.
Now I need God to get out of the pit. I have put Him front and center for the past 6 mos as my bff ignores my pleas for forgiveness and now have to realize He can make more of my life than I can or more than I thought she could. I placed her in the unfair role of being my savior and she did the same. The word for that is called co-dependence. We let the beguiling of Satan take over two dear spirits who had the best of intentions and turn a dear god ordained friendship into a big hurt.
Now all I can do is turn to God and trust in Him and know that with Him all things are possible. And if God is love and it's His very nature, there is no better place to put my trust than with Him who wants me to be happy. If I pattern my love and forgiveness after His example of love and forgiveness, I too will want to love others and forgive others as He does and is. The ugly truth is sometimes this is easier said than done.
On July 19th a few years back, something hurtful happened to my pbff and my friendship. For a few years we traveled through the muck of it trying to repair from the damage and fallout of the next few months of it. The eventual parting of the friendship is what led to this blog. So every July 19 I have a really hard day. Two days ago was no exception. Especially since my kids were in an event that her family's kids were also involved in and we ran into each other. In a way, it was good because I was hoping she would extend me the courtesy of giving me a few minutes of her time, but it was incredibly hard at the same time because like the quote above, she is impossible to forget. Her entire family is. They are amazing people, not despite their flaws but because of their flaws. I have learned so much over the last 7 months since she has been ignoring me. It made me turn inward and look to see my flaws, work on them and try to improve.
They have judged me and accused me of not being trustworthy because I said mean and hurtful things to my pbff. She even questioned my medical history (I was recently diagnosed with a non cool condition and have been getting treatments) and things that I have been going through. They thought everything I did or was doing was a manipulation according to a mutual friend who spoke to her dad. I had to look inward and see if I am trustworthy. I started questioning everything. The mom I am, the friend I am, the person I am, the experiences I have had. All of it. Where I came out? I'm trustworthy! Yay! I did a full self evaluation and yes I make many mistakes. I have done some things that are not actions my best self can be and have even been dishonorable in some of my actions. But I don't lie, I don't hide agendas, and I don't try and hide my weaknesses. I am open that I am a flawed person. So when they questioned my integrity, it hurt me deeply.
I love this quote from Jeffrey R Holland..."Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad." Now let me state how hurtful it is to not receive this from those you love and who said they love you. My pbff's family said they loved us, that the love was unconditional and that we were their family. They extended this love freely, it hurt when they stripped this away by assuming the worse of me. They never cared enough to hear things from the other side. And guess what? None of that matters.
Holy crud! People of the non reading blog world, listen up, beloveds....None of this matters. What matters is that we love others and we forgive them more than the hurt they cause. Now this is hard as yesterday attested to. I went up to talk to my pbff at the event and after a few things her family did this week, and it was hard. But I'm working on it. I need to think the best of them, assume the good, and doubt the bad that floods my mind. Because my pbff will always have my heart and be a part of me and who I am.
The takeaway from this week? I don't know what's gonna happen in the next little while with some of the things going on but this I do know. Despite whether or not my pbff and her family love me and my kids, it doesn't matter. What matters is my Heavenly Father loves me. He knows I am good, worth it, honest, and trying my best with the cards I'm dealt. He also loves her and her family just as much and she is worth it, loving, and good. I need to forgive with more force than the hurt. I look forward to the day when they will see exactly what the truth of the situation is and I can finally have my chance to beg their forgiveness, love them, and embrace our friendship once again. Even if not in this life.
You won't be disappointed in spending the next 20 min with Brene Brown. I can't tell you how much truth this lady is speaking and how stinkin much you should listen to this in it's entirety. We can change lives. I know I have posted parts of this but people have messaged me and wanted to know where to find the video. Here you go...
As I came across the quote above, it made me think in a different way. Now go with me on this. If we are spiritual beings then we are divine by nature and have the dna of God in us. If this is the case, we have the potential to accomplish anything. Even forgiveness. Even if the event or damage to us is so great. Because we are spiritual beings.
So, how do we forgive the seemingly unforgiveable? I think there are two crucial elements to help both you and the offender. You need to see that they have divine worth and are worth just as much as you are in the sight of God....AND.....you need to have compassion and understanding towards their story. When someone hurts you it is usually a call for love in their life.
So to put it all together...seeing our offender as our spiritual brother or sister, realizing their worth, and then looking at, feeling with them, their story, gives us the tools to have compassion and understanding towards them, allowing us to plant the seeds of forgiveness and healing for both the offender and ourselves. Below is a quick video from Thich Naht Hanh on compassion and understanding.
Watch this video from Oprah and be amazed at the power of choice.
I have missed my pbff this week. And it's not going to get any easier as the week goes along, if I don't make the choice to change my frame of reference. You see July 19th is a marker day. It's the day my pbff and my relationship changed forever. We didn't choose to look at the blessing God gave us and embrace it and treat it special. We didn't choose to come together and do the work that it would have taken to repair from July 19th.
So I've been sitting around having a pity party. I've felt rejected by people who called me family, misunderstood by the lady who said she would never leave, had my kids mistreated by the people who said they loved them, and stuck in a place where I wish I could change the past. But as Oprah explains in the video below. I can't. She says that that's what forgiveness is. Letting go of the hope that the past can be any different.
So great and yet so simple and yet so transforming and powerful...These are Brene Brown's words regurgitated poorly by me with a little input from me and my life situation. (ps-fully aware of the grammatical errors in this post, too important to edit, needed to get this info out)
In thinking about vulnerability and shame and forgiveness, I was listening to my new favorite social worker Brene Brown, I found an "aha" moment. She talks about how scarcity takes on many names. For instance, my pbff always felt like she was never good enough. That's shame. You know, if we are not smart enough, perfect enough, spiritual enough, valuable to others enough, loved enough, fit in enough...So what's our gut reaction????
We Armor Up!!!! Protect yourself from all the what if's. She goes on to say if we get really, really clear on what it is we are armoring up against, it's really simple. It's our heart. Badda bing badda boo. There it is people in clear writing. We are trying our dangedest to protect our heart. We are protecting being hurt. Love and belonging are needs. Without them, there is suffering. She then makes the best statement ever....She says, "our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be brokenhearted." It is a terrible thing but a true thing. We can only be loved as much as we risk our heart being broken. Vulnerability is the path to love, joy, connection, forgiveness extended.
Whoa nelly...the next part gets even cooler. She talks about when you are vulnerable in a moment and you share with someone something very hard and they get you..you feel peaceful, loved, connected, and worthy of belonging. But what do you feel when they don't get you and you just shared that? You feel shame, disappointment, regret, rejected, unloved, not worthy. This happened to me. I shared with my pbff some past abuse and when our friendship dissipated I felt rejected by her, unloved, unworthy, dirty, and regretted having told her anything. But had I not taken the risk of being vulnerable, I may not have found that connection to which I felt with her during the good times.
Sympathy drives disconnection and empathy fuels connection. Empathy has 4 qualities; perspective taking, meaning the person has the ability to have the perspective or being able to recognize that person's perspective is their truth; acts staying out of judgement, non judging; recognizing emotion and communicating that. Empathy is feeling with another. I'm feeling with you. Sympathy is I'm feeling for you. The difference is huge!!! Empathy is a choice not a default, it makes you have to dig down and be vulnerable yourself.
When you go to that place, you know, the blame game. You spill your diet coke and you look to blame your kid. Blame is the discharging of discomfort and pain, it has an inverse relationship of accountability. People who blame a lot are not willing to take accountability or hold others accountable because they are afraid of being vulnerable. In the instance of my friend, who I love and care about even through all the hurt, she was trying to protect herself, armor up, not be vulnerable and place blame on me. And guess what? I was doing the same thing. And it's a huge blocker to empathy because when someone is telling their story we are not really listening, we are already in our brain making the connections to decide how to blame the other person.
When I called her a name she was not listening to the pain and problem that was right there in front of us she was already connecting the dots of how I am mean and that the ending of the friendship was my fault because I am mean. When I was upset, I chose to not listen to her and be vulnerable and tell her my heart. Instead, I reacted and tried to shame her. I wasn't listening to her suffering I was already forming things in my mind how it was all her fault because she was leaving me in the suffering alone. I was connecting the dots to put the blame on her. It was her fault the diet coke spilled even though she wasn't in the house at the time.
So empathizing is feeling with someone and sympathizing is feeling for someone. Sometimes silverlining the persons story falls into sympathizing, Brene uses the example of someone saying, "I just had a miscarriage" the responder says, "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "I think my marriage is falling apart" and the responder says, "at least you have a marriage". We try and make things better instead of leaning into the pain. The truth is connection makes things better than trying to fix things. The most profound examples can happen without any words.
So how does all this connect with forgiveness? You have to be vulnerable to extend people forgiveness because you have to open your heart and be vulnerable with the risk that you might get hurt again or worse. But what's the payoff? A greater connectedness and relationship for both.
For instance, in the case with my pbf, when our friendship parted by her choice she chose in that moment to armor up, protect her heart, not empathize. Now don't let me blame her here because I did the same thing. I had several moments and chances to make the right choice at different times which could have altered the outcome of our friendship. But let me tell you right here something even more "ahaish." It could be that cool and even cooler if we both were committed to the outcome and willing to be vulnerable and empathize. You see shame is what killed our friendship and neither one was willing to be vulnerable and risk taking the armor off to the point it would have had to be to recover.
My take aways....love more, feel with people, be in their story feeling, and....
When in shame, do not type, text, talk, or email. I found that when I am in shame I tend to come out swinging. Brene says usually one of 3 reactions happen. You either cover your face and hide, like my pbff, or you slink down the wall or you come out swinging and try and fight shame by shaming. I recommend you go to the person and be vulnerable and take the damn armor off!
We need crazy fierce love! Love it! Thanks Brene!
I know this video is long but it is so worth it. I can't express how life changing it can be if you catch the greatness of it.
"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."
- Mark Twain
The video below is well worth the time investment to watch. In my relationship with my pbff, this is what allowed my friend and I to get to the point were we are now. We both objectified each other to justify our intentions. Let me explain... My pbff and I did this at different times. In the video Ferrell explains that sometimes we turn people into objects to justify our actions. For example, my pbff has been ignoring me for months and she justifies it by demonizing me or my behaviors. She says things like, you said mean things to me, which I did. I objectified her by justifying my mean things I said to her by demonizing her and telling myself that she was hurting me. But as you watch this video you will see what can happen if we continue to do this and what can happen if we stop. My choice was to stop. Please watch, it can change the world. In particular his second story illustrates the negative impact that can happen if we don't see people as ourselves. We are all connected.
The video below describes one of the most beautiful evidence of the miracle and gift of forgiveness. Please watch. Please go further and reach out to someone who has hurt you and give them the gift they can't give themself, forgiveness.
It hit me today like a ton of bricks that if we don't forgive others and embrace them like the Savior would us, we have no right to expect forgiveness from our Savior.
We are obliged to be reconciled to [our] brother even when he is wrong and we are only the victim of the grievance. For purposes of the commandment of reconciliation, fault is unimportant. The object is reconciliation; peace not justice. Reconciliation seeks the restoration of relationships, not the adjudication of differences. --Dallin H. Oaks
For those of you who are not LDS in faith, let me give you a little background on this post. Yesterday as I sat through church I had all kinds of mixed emotions. You see the subject was on forgiveness, which as you can tell by the 90 something posts that I have been jabbering in, is quite the sensitive subject to me.
At first, I sat in the meeting wondering why if there are so many great examples of forgiveness in our church and in the Bible and in the gospel as a whole, why can't my pbff forgive me. Why am I still angry with her? Why did I make the mistakes I made and why am I still pleading and begging for her and her family to forgive me through a seemingly obsessive forgiveness blog? Because let's be real people...this blog of mine is a little over the top! Then two stories were told that helped me see that it doesn't matter.
The stories were about who our faith reveres as a Prophet of God, who came to earth and restored the beautiful Gospel of Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith.
The first was a story of Ezra Booth, who became a missionary after seeing a miracle of the healing of Elsa Johnson's arm. While on a mission for the church he became disappointed that he was no longer witnessing miracles on the same level and his behavior was not indicative of what a latter day saint should be. So he was excommunicated from the church. Long story short, Ezra started writing letters and trying to destroy Joseph and the church which led to Joseph being tarred and feathered. The way they did this was they choked him, tore off his clothes, tried to push a paddle of hot tar and acid in his mouth, scratched him, and poured the tar and feathers onto his body.
The next day Joseph went at the usual time to worship with the Saints and as he delivered his sermon, and let it be mentioned, some of the mob from the previous night were there, he never mentioned the violence of the night before. He just loved those brethren and wanted to serve them and his Lord. Now maybe we have not all been scraped, tarred and feathered, and burned with acid, but we have all maybe been hurt, humiliated, embarrassed, used, crapped on (for lack of better term), abandoned, spent, and destroyed, either by the intentional or unintentional doing of another.
In looking at the quote above, I can't help but think of how I need to handle things with my pbff. It doesn't matter who was at fault or who hurt whom. What matters is I am under the same obligation and commandment as we all are to forgive and love more. With so many great people around and wonderful examples, I can't help but try and emulate the Savior's example and the many others.
