As I was watching a popular medical tv show, a great point was made to inspire this quick little blog post. Over the last couple of weeks, I have heard one of my friends talking about what a failure she is and how she failed one of her friends. This friend is so hard on herself and has a hard time seeing that life and friendships are not pass and fail. And instead they are about progress. You only fail when you quit. "Do you know how many dogs the Russians sent into outer space before a person walked on the moon?"
or.... Do you realize how many "failures" Benjamin Franklin had while trying to perfect the lightbulb?
or... As in the case on the medical show, they were implanting a stent of some sort in a lamb to see if it would work and the lamb ended up passing. The doctors could have quit there but decided to do a necropsy to find out what went wrong and fix the problem so that others may go on to benefit from their knowledge. Forgiveness and life in general works the same way. If we don't look at what went wrong, we can't fix it and benefit others. If Benjamin Franklin had stopped, where would we be? If medical advances weren't pursued after failures, then what? If hearts were not attempted to fix after misgivings, mistreatment, mistakes, and hurt, then what? "We try again, and then we fail again. Because that's what progress looks like. Progress looks like a bunch of failures." You can have feelings about the failures, you can feel sad or angry, but you can't fall apart or you wont succeed. And then after continual trying, we can and will save lives, walk on the moon, have electricity, mend hearts, forgive and be forgiven. Benjamin Franklin said, "Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out." So there are a few sides to this failure post that can be made... --failure is not a bad thing or an end all, life's not pass or fail friendship is not pass or fail, trials are not pass or fail --forgiving others can be hard, it's not a pass fail test but a continual effort --finding forgiveness from others and the Lord is a process --progress is made from learning from our failures Three cheers for failure!
Sharon Eubank's fantastic talk on friendship and forgiveness...making a real difference
“In friendship ... we think we have chosen our peers. [But] in reality a few years'
difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice
of one university [over] another ... the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a
first meeting—any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there
are, strictly speaking, no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work.
Christ, who said to the disciples, “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can
truly say to every group of Christian friends, “Ye have not chosen one another but I have
chosen you for one another.” The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating …
good taste in finding one another out. [But] it is the instrument by which God reveals to
each of us the beauties of others." -- CS Lewis
Some of the key points in this talk that I love...
• Accentuate the virtues in each other.
• Respect and acceptance have a rippling effect.
• Solving problems is less important than loving people.
• Friendship is designed to revolutionize and civilize the world.
• Wars and contentions should cease.
• Men and women can become friends and family.
• And friendship welds iron to iron. It unites the human family.
If you had one sentence about that, it could simply be this—that unity, understanding,
and relationships are worth our absolute best efforts.
--"But this phenomenon shows up in the smallest biology, clear up to the largest galaxies.
There’s different types of systems that interdepend on each other and they cooperate
together in a unified way so that a cell eventually becomes a human body; a gas bubble
can cooperate until it makes a galaxy; and ant colonies are built on the same principle that
we build nations on. And I can still remember sitting in my parents’ pink and white
kitchen as it dawned on me: small things working together in unity to make bigger things
is the whole meaning of mortal life. It’s why we’re here...Every once in a while, people
can attain that kind of oneness and unity. Enoch did it with a whole city."
Sharon also gives this beautiful tribute to her good friend... I, too, have been blessed with this. May I quote..."I have been incredibly blessed in my life to have a friend to me who is a model of everything that Emma Smith describes. It isn’t that she is nice to me—she is. But she has succored me in my weaknesses, she has borne with me in my troubles, she’s rejoiced in good seasons. She has refused to throw my weaknesses in my face. She’s inspired me to be a better person. She’s talked to me when no one else would. She’s told me when I’m making a mistake. And she’s given me everyday support and confidence. She’s told me 10,000 times that she loves me, and she’s shared her testimony and her beliefs with me, and prayed with me even when I couldn’t. Her friendship is one of the most precious things in my life." May I now try and offer these qualities to others.
Whole Transcript of Sharon Eubank's talk...Click Here
Forgiving others can be your way of going after the 1. I have been blessed beyond measure and feel nothing but gratitude to a Heavenly Father who doesn't give up on me.
One of my family's favorite things to watch is the show in between the two conference sessions. They are usually very inspiring and uplifting. Today was no exception and in fact a straight blessing from Heavenly Father to me and many. My kids and I refer to it as the half time show, lol.
It was so touching! I hope you can see the entire showing which is 30 min long. It is entitled "Finding Forgiveness." It's a story of a man who had come undone and tragically killed an elderly lady in a car accident.
Until I can find the whole video in it's entirety, this will have to do. Lynn Beecher talks about the necessity to have to communicate with the offender to find understanding. Same concept that is in the Falling to Heaven Book.
The general ideas in this post are taken from the 2011 BYU Women's Conference talk given by Russell and Lolly Osguthorpe.
I was always amazed when I read my scriptures when I came upon the story of Pahoran and Moroni. Pahoran was in the city of Zarahemla and the king men (who were bad) were in control of Zarahemla. Moroni writes a letter asking Pahoran for reinforcements to help deal with the kingmen that he is dealing with. Here Pahoran is accused by a frustrated Moroni and called his loyalty into question. Pahoran responds that he is grateful, despite being accused falsely by Moroni, that he wrote and that his words bring him a lot of joy. Instant forgiveness extended to Moroni.
Laman and Lemuel, the two brother's of Nephi, were corrected by Nephi about their disobedience. This brought them to a stage of anger where they bound Nephi with cords and left him to die and be eaten by wild beasts. Anger is usually the key emotion that brings about bad behavior, vengeful behavior, and unforgiveness. And if you understand anger you will know that it is a secondary emotion made up of fear and sadness. Okay so moving along....The Lord taught us that not only should we not want to kill someone but that we should not be found angry with another or the Lord's anger will be directed toward them. Laman and Lemuel were sorrowful after a daughter of Ishamael and her mother did plead with Laman and Lemuel to become humble. It worked! They went to Nephi and begged of him his forgiveness. One minute they want to kill Nephi and then the next they were begging his forgiveness. This was a great miracle. However, maybe even a greater miracle was Nephi's response.
Now some of the great qualities of Nephi were....he forgave them immediately. Did he become defensive? No! Did he throw it in their faces what they had done? No! Did he tell his friends and family of the things they did wrong and to ignore them? No! Did he hold it against them? No! Did he continue to bring it up time and again in the future? No! He "frankly forgave" them. He was left in the desert to be devoured by wild beasts. And yet, "he frankly forgave" them. Are you with me? How many times have you been bound and hung out to be eaten by gnarly wild beasts? Could you have forgiven them? At first, I though frankly, was a word that meant barely or coldly, etc. But the Osguthorpe's explained it differently. He forgave them instantly, without conditions, no questions asked. The word "frank" originally meant free. Unconditional; without restraint; without anxiety. He forgave them freely!
And now finally, Chris Williams... his story can be found below in this video. I know I've posted this before but it is moving and powerful.
But the bottom line is there are some commonalities in all of these cases of forgiveness. They all forgave "frankly." Meaning, without condition, thinking first of the offender before themselves. Nephi thought first of Laman and Lemuel, not about his being set out to die. Pahoran thought first of Moroni and his people, not that he had just been falsely accused and his loyalty questioned. And Chris Williams? He thought first of the young man who had taken 3 of his family members from him.
In each case, not one of these examples, put conditions on the forgiveness. Not one of them, threw it in the others face. Not one of them didn't seek to love the others home.
Please remember the post on forgiving others just means repenting of not loving them in the first place. I'm grateful for such examples in my life. I have failed at forgiving like these great examples many times and grateful for them to help show me the way.
To quote from the book "The Peacegiver" by James Ferrell..."'Ricky, I'm going to suggest something to you that you probably have never thought of and will want to resist, but I'm going to say it anyway because it's the truth. Here it is: Being mistreated is the most important condition of mortality, for eternity itself depends on how we view those who mistreat us."
Have you been mistreated or feel you have? How do you view the person who has wronged you?
Do you war with them? Do you gossip about them? Do you yell at them? Do you ignore them? Do you plot evil sinister plans of destruction in your head about them (lol)? Do you bury your head in the sand and pretend they don't exist? OR.....
Do you love them more? Do you reach out to them? Do you pray for them? Do you serve them? Do you do acts of kindness towards them? Do you build them with your words to other people? Do you pray for a softened heart towards them?
I can attest that up till recently, I was stuck in the warring zone. I would think mean or angry thoughts about the people I felt were mistreating me and my kiddos. I would speak unkind things about them to those who asked about what was going on. Oh and I had my fair share of plotting toilet papering their house, ding dong ditching them, and other vengeful acts. In all seriousness, I was not thinking with charity, the pure love of Christ.
Then it happened....a change of heart. I realized that these people are some of the people I care most deeply for and while I can't control what they do or how they think of me or whether they feel/felt mistreated, I can pray for them, build them, say kind things, serve them, love them more, and have them in my heart. It's a process that's for sure but I'm glad to see the miracle of my heart changing.
We are commanded to be perfect. In the scriptures we read, Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father in heaven:Matt. 5:48
Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. It is the highest, noblest, and strongest kind of love and the most joyous to the soul (see 1 Nephi 11:23).
Charity is “the pure love of Christ,” or “everlasting love” (Moroni 7:47; 8:17). The prophet Mormon taught: “Charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things” (Moroni 7:45; see also 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
In tying this all together, having the pure love of Christ, means forgiving, it means loving the person even more. It means stretching out our arms and embracing other's weaknesses and loving them because of their weaknesses, not despite them. It doesn't point the finger, it doesn't hold on to hurts, it doesn't shame and blame. It looks our friends and family in the eye and tells them they are divine in nature and have infinite worth. It does not call each other names, ignore others, and gossip about others. It builds, it brings towards Christ, it is sometimes not easy.
Doing the right thing is more important that doing the easy thing. Even if you have to stand up to your friends or family in the embracing of charity. Not all will agree with your choices but being able to have the integrity at the end of the day and look your loved ones in the eye and say you have done all you can do to love them, that is the pure love of Christ. I have not done this, and I will continue to work on myself and improve and extend the arm of friendship, love, and forgiveness.
Yesterday was a difficult and yet freeing day. I want to thank my God for my trials, my weaknesses, and His strength. For the past several months I have been struggling with missing my best friend. I took a huge step yesterday and realized a great truth with the help of a friend. I got to see a side to my friend and her family that I didn't think possible which helped me see that they are not capable of finding good in me, which allowed me to let go of the hope of her forgiving me. So where is the good news in all of this? I'm sure I'm killing you with boredom of the drama...but here is the major, major, did you hear the word major take away.
In D&C 101:4-5 we learn something interesting. Now go with me for a minute and then I will get to the meat and taters of the scripture. Thinking back to Abraham's day, we know that he and Sarah had the difficult trial of being able to conceive a child. Sarah was heartbroken and devastated and at times doubted the Lord's promise that they would be able to conceive. So one would think that was a pretty hard trial and yet...Yep wait for it...They would later be asked to sacrifice/kill their son that they had waited for for 90 years to conceive. Are you with me here? Imagine that, after all the waiting and heartache and disappointment, then you finally get the son you've waited for only to be asked to sacrifice him.
Ok, so now back to how this pulls into D&C 101:4-5. We are told in these scriptures that we will be required to go through and be chastened and tried even as Abraham who was commanded to offer up his only son. Read below...
4 Therefore, they must needs be achastened and tried, even asbAbraham, who was commanded to offer up his only son.
5 For all those who will not aendure chastening, but bdeny me, cannot be sanctified.
So we are going to at some time be tried and chastened to the level of Abraham. Are you following? And then the second part is our requirement to endure the chastening so we can be sanctified. So pulling it altogether with the quote up top, we get to choose today how we can look at these chastenings as opportunities to grow or obstacles that keep us from growing.
My bff's mom gave me a book called "Get out of the Pit" by Beth Moore. In it she talked about the different ways you can get shoved, slip, or jump into a pit.
Pit by definition meaning something we can't get out of by ourselves. I want to offer you something right here to help you, it's a thought to help you keep reading. "With God all things are possible."
She talks about abuse as a child, so much so that you may live in a shame pit. Your only reference to the world is that you are not good enough, you don't fit in, you were abandoned, etc. Or maybe you jumped into the pit through sin. Or maybe you got shoved in by a loved one. Whatever the case, you are in a pit. You need out. She goes on to say that we may even pretend to not be in a pit and decorate our pit with the latest and greatest from Pottery Barn, we may hang signs that say Welcome, and we may feel right at home in our pit.
Our pits can look like abandonment, shame, codependence, addiction, shame, oh did I mention that one twice? These are real. Please, know you are loved, know you are not alone. A lot of us are in pits right now. Look around. I am. This entire blog demonstrates that I am in a pit. Moore talks about you may be in a pit you never wanted or intended to be. She gives the example of herself stepping into a friendship that turned sour. Kind of like mine. She said both parties walked into the friendship with crystal clear intentions to help each other, support each other, and go through life as kindred friends. But she said that the relationship went bad as God slipped from it. Same with mine. And now I sit in my pit, with my LayZ boy recliner, bag of peanut m&m's, and enjoy hell alone.
We may start in our pits innocently. I'm gonna have to get real for a moment and be a little vulnerable and tell you some bits of my story so you can see what I mean. To protect those I love and guard my heart a little, suffice it to say, I had some abuse in my life. Now, normally I would be telling this story for some validation and a "oh, you've been through so much" statement. But I tell you for the mere fact that I think anyone would agree that I didn't jump in the pit by my own doing. But the choices that I made to deal with the pit I was shoved into, didn't help me get out. Turning to new pits of bitterness, anger, reclusiveness, putting a guard up around my heart, are a few to name. Some people turn to addictions. I made the most ridiculously stupid decisions anyone can make. And I continue to do so at times when I am in the pit.
Now I need God to get out of the pit. I have put Him front and center for the past 6 mos as my bff ignores my pleas for forgiveness and now have to realize He can make more of my life than I can or more than I thought she could. I placed her in the unfair role of being my savior and she did the same. The word for that is called co-dependence. We let the beguiling of Satan take over two dear spirits who had the best of intentions and turn a dear god ordained friendship into a big hurt.
Now all I can do is turn to God and trust in Him and know that with Him all things are possible. And if God is love and it's His very nature, there is no better place to put my trust than with Him who wants me to be happy. If I pattern my love and forgiveness after His example of love and forgiveness, I too will want to love others and forgive others as He does and is. The ugly truth is sometimes this is easier said than done.
On July 19th a few years back, something hurtful happened to my pbff and my friendship. For a few years we traveled through the muck of it trying to repair from the damage and fallout of the next few months of it. The eventual parting of the friendship is what led to this blog. So every July 19 I have a really hard day. Two days ago was no exception. Especially since my kids were in an event that her family's kids were also involved in and we ran into each other. In a way, it was good because I was hoping she would extend me the courtesy of giving me a few minutes of her time, but it was incredibly hard at the same time because like the quote above, she is impossible to forget. Her entire family is. They are amazing people, not despite their flaws but because of their flaws. I have learned so much over the last 7 months since she has been ignoring me. It made me turn inward and look to see my flaws, work on them and try to improve.
They have judged me and accused me of not being trustworthy because I said mean and hurtful things to my pbff. She even questioned my medical history (I was recently diagnosed with a non cool condition and have been getting treatments) and things that I have been going through. They thought everything I did or was doing was a manipulation according to a mutual friend who spoke to her dad. I had to look inward and see if I am trustworthy. I started questioning everything. The mom I am, the friend I am, the person I am, the experiences I have had. All of it. Where I came out? I'm trustworthy! Yay! I did a full self evaluation and yes I make many mistakes. I have done some things that are not actions my best self can be and have even been dishonorable in some of my actions. But I don't lie, I don't hide agendas, and I don't try and hide my weaknesses. I am open that I am a flawed person. So when they questioned my integrity, it hurt me deeply.
I love this quote from Jeffrey R Holland..."Think the best of each other, especially of those you say you love. Assume the good and doubt the bad." Now let me state how hurtful it is to not receive this from those you love and who said they love you. My pbff's family said they loved us, that the love was unconditional and that we were their family. They extended this love freely, it hurt when they stripped this away by assuming the worse of me. They never cared enough to hear things from the other side. And guess what? None of that matters.
Holy crud! People of the non reading blog world, listen up, beloveds....None of this matters. What matters is that we love others and we forgive them more than the hurt they cause. Now this is hard as yesterday attested to. I went up to talk to my pbff at the event and after a few things her family did this week, and it was hard. But I'm working on it. I need to think the best of them, assume the good, and doubt the bad that floods my mind. Because my pbff will always have my heart and be a part of me and who I am.
The takeaway from this week? I don't know what's gonna happen in the next little while with some of the things going on but this I do know. Despite whether or not my pbff and her family love me and my kids, it doesn't matter. What matters is my Heavenly Father loves me. He knows I am good, worth it, honest, and trying my best with the cards I'm dealt. He also loves her and her family just as much and she is worth it, loving, and good. I need to forgive with more force than the hurt. I look forward to the day when they will see exactly what the truth of the situation is and I can finally have my chance to beg their forgiveness, love them, and embrace our friendship once again. Even if not in this life.
You won't be disappointed in spending the next 20 min with Brene Brown. I can't tell you how much truth this lady is speaking and how stinkin much you should listen to this in it's entirety. We can change lives. I know I have posted parts of this but people have messaged me and wanted to know where to find the video. Here you go...
As I came across the quote above, it made me think in a different way. Now go with me on this. If we are spiritual beings then we are divine by nature and have the dna of God in us. If this is the case, we have the potential to accomplish anything. Even forgiveness. Even if the event or damage to us is so great. Because we are spiritual beings.
So, how do we forgive the seemingly unforgiveable? I think there are two crucial elements to help both you and the offender. You need to see that they have divine worth and are worth just as much as you are in the sight of God....AND.....you need to have compassion and understanding towards their story. When someone hurts you it is usually a call for love in their life.
So to put it all together...seeing our offender as our spiritual brother or sister, realizing their worth, and then looking at, feeling with them, their story, gives us the tools to have compassion and understanding towards them, allowing us to plant the seeds of forgiveness and healing for both the offender and ourselves. Below is a quick video from Thich Naht Hanh on compassion and understanding.
Watch this video from Oprah and be amazed at the power of choice.
I have missed my pbff this week. And it's not going to get any easier as the week goes along, if I don't make the choice to change my frame of reference. You see July 19th is a marker day. It's the day my pbff and my relationship changed forever. We didn't choose to look at the blessing God gave us and embrace it and treat it special. We didn't choose to come together and do the work that it would have taken to repair from July 19th.
So I've been sitting around having a pity party. I've felt rejected by people who called me family, misunderstood by the lady who said she would never leave, had my kids mistreated by the people who said they loved them, and stuck in a place where I wish I could change the past. But as Oprah explains in the video below. I can't. She says that that's what forgiveness is. Letting go of the hope that the past can be any different.
So great and yet so simple and yet so transforming and powerful...These are Brene Brown's words regurgitated poorly by me with a little input from me and my life situation. (ps-fully aware of the grammatical errors in this post, too important to edit, needed to get this info out)
In thinking about vulnerability and shame and forgiveness, I was listening to my new favorite social worker Brene Brown, I found an "aha" moment. She talks about how scarcity takes on many names. For instance, my pbff always felt like she was never good enough. That's shame. You know, if we are not smart enough, perfect enough, spiritual enough, valuable to others enough, loved enough, fit in enough...So what's our gut reaction????
We Armor Up!!!! Protect yourself from all the what if's. She goes on to say if we get really, really clear on what it is we are armoring up against, it's really simple. It's our heart. Badda bing badda boo. There it is people in clear writing. We are trying our dangedest to protect our heart. We are protecting being hurt. Love and belonging are needs. Without them, there is suffering. She then makes the best statement ever....She says, "our capacity for wholeheartedness can never be greater than our willingness to be brokenhearted." It is a terrible thing but a true thing. We can only be loved as much as we risk our heart being broken. Vulnerability is the path to love, joy, connection, forgiveness extended.
Whoa nelly...the next part gets even cooler. She talks about when you are vulnerable in a moment and you share with someone something very hard and they get you..you feel peaceful, loved, connected, and worthy of belonging. But what do you feel when they don't get you and you just shared that? You feel shame, disappointment, regret, rejected, unloved, not worthy. This happened to me. I shared with my pbff some past abuse and when our friendship dissipated I felt rejected by her, unloved, unworthy, dirty, and regretted having told her anything. But had I not taken the risk of being vulnerable, I may not have found that connection to which I felt with her during the good times.
Sympathy drives disconnection and empathy fuels connection. Empathy has 4 qualities; perspective taking, meaning the person has the ability to have the perspective or being able to recognize that person's perspective is their truth; acts staying out of judgement, non judging; recognizing emotion and communicating that. Empathy is feeling with another. I'm feeling with you. Sympathy is I'm feeling for you. The difference is huge!!! Empathy is a choice not a default, it makes you have to dig down and be vulnerable yourself.
When you go to that place, you know, the blame game. You spill your diet coke and you look to blame your kid. Blame is the discharging of discomfort and pain, it has an inverse relationship of accountability. People who blame a lot are not willing to take accountability or hold others accountable because they are afraid of being vulnerable. In the instance of my friend, who I love and care about even through all the hurt, she was trying to protect herself, armor up, not be vulnerable and place blame on me. And guess what? I was doing the same thing. And it's a huge blocker to empathy because when someone is telling their story we are not really listening, we are already in our brain making the connections to decide how to blame the other person.
When I called her a name she was not listening to the pain and problem that was right there in front of us she was already connecting the dots of how I am mean and that the ending of the friendship was my fault because I am mean. When I was upset, I chose to not listen to her and be vulnerable and tell her my heart. Instead, I reacted and tried to shame her. I wasn't listening to her suffering I was already forming things in my mind how it was all her fault because she was leaving me in the suffering alone. I was connecting the dots to put the blame on her. It was her fault the diet coke spilled even though she wasn't in the house at the time.
So empathizing is feeling with someone and sympathizing is feeling for someone. Sometimes silverlining the persons story falls into sympathizing, Brene uses the example of someone saying, "I just had a miscarriage" the responder says, "at least you know you can get pregnant" or "I think my marriage is falling apart" and the responder says, "at least you have a marriage". We try and make things better instead of leaning into the pain. The truth is connection makes things better than trying to fix things. The most profound examples can happen without any words.
So how does all this connect with forgiveness? You have to be vulnerable to extend people forgiveness because you have to open your heart and be vulnerable with the risk that you might get hurt again or worse. But what's the payoff? A greater connectedness and relationship for both.
For instance, in the case with my pbf, when our friendship parted by her choice she chose in that moment to armor up, protect her heart, not empathize. Now don't let me blame her here because I did the same thing. I had several moments and chances to make the right choice at different times which could have altered the outcome of our friendship. But let me tell you right here something even more "ahaish." It could be that cool and even cooler if we both were committed to the outcome and willing to be vulnerable and empathize. You see shame is what killed our friendship and neither one was willing to be vulnerable and risk taking the armor off to the point it would have had to be to recover.
My take aways....love more, feel with people, be in their story feeling, and....
When in shame, do not type, text, talk, or email. I found that when I am in shame I tend to come out swinging. Brene says usually one of 3 reactions happen. You either cover your face and hide, like my pbff, or you slink down the wall or you come out swinging and try and fight shame by shaming. I recommend you go to the person and be vulnerable and take the damn armor off!
We need crazy fierce love! Love it! Thanks Brene!
I know this video is long but it is so worth it. I can't express how life changing it can be if you catch the greatness of it.
"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."
- Mark Twain
The video below is well worth the time investment to watch. In my relationship with my pbff, this is what allowed my friend and I to get to the point were we are now. We both objectified each other to justify our intentions. Let me explain... My pbff and I did this at different times. In the video Ferrell explains that sometimes we turn people into objects to justify our actions. For example, my pbff has been ignoring me for months and she justifies it by demonizing me or my behaviors. She says things like, you said mean things to me, which I did. I objectified her by justifying my mean things I said to her by demonizing her and telling myself that she was hurting me. But as you watch this video you will see what can happen if we continue to do this and what can happen if we stop. My choice was to stop. Please watch, it can change the world. In particular his second story illustrates the negative impact that can happen if we don't see people as ourselves. We are all connected.
The video below describes one of the most beautiful evidence of the miracle and gift of forgiveness. Please watch. Please go further and reach out to someone who has hurt you and give them the gift they can't give themself, forgiveness.
It hit me today like a ton of bricks that if we don't forgive others and embrace them like the Savior would us, we have no right to expect forgiveness from our Savior.
We are obliged to be reconciled to [our] brother even when he is wrong and we are only the victim of the grievance. For purposes of the commandment of reconciliation, fault is unimportant. The object is reconciliation; peace not justice. Reconciliation seeks the restoration of relationships, not the adjudication of differences. --Dallin H. Oaks
For those of you who are not LDS in faith, let me give you a little background on this post. Yesterday as I sat through church I had all kinds of mixed emotions. You see the subject was on forgiveness, which as you can tell by the 90 something posts that I have been jabbering in, is quite the sensitive subject to me.
At first, I sat in the meeting wondering why if there are so many great examples of forgiveness in our church and in the Bible and in the gospel as a whole, why can't my pbff forgive me. Why am I still angry with her? Why did I make the mistakes I made and why am I still pleading and begging for her and her family to forgive me through a seemingly obsessive forgiveness blog? Because let's be real people...this blog of mine is a little over the top! Then two stories were told that helped me see that it doesn't matter.
The stories were about who our faith reveres as a Prophet of God, who came to earth and restored the beautiful Gospel of Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith.
The first was a story of Ezra Booth, who became a missionary after seeing a miracle of the healing of Elsa Johnson's arm. While on a mission for the church he became disappointed that he was no longer witnessing miracles on the same level and his behavior was not indicative of what a latter day saint should be. So he was excommunicated from the church. Long story short, Ezra started writing letters and trying to destroy Joseph and the church which led to Joseph being tarred and feathered. The way they did this was they choked him, tore off his clothes, tried to push a paddle of hot tar and acid in his mouth, scratched him, and poured the tar and feathers onto his body.
The next day Joseph went at the usual time to worship with the Saints and as he delivered his sermon, and let it be mentioned, some of the mob from the previous night were there, he never mentioned the violence of the night before. He just loved those brethren and wanted to serve them and his Lord. Now maybe we have not all been scraped, tarred and feathered, and burned with acid, but we have all maybe been hurt, humiliated, embarrassed, used, crapped on (for lack of better term), abandoned, spent, and destroyed, either by the intentional or unintentional doing of another.
In looking at the quote above, I can't help but think of how I need to handle things with my pbff. It doesn't matter who was at fault or who hurt whom. What matters is I am under the same obligation and commandment as we all are to forgive and love more. With so many great people around and wonderful examples, I can't help but try and emulate the Savior's example and the many others.
Brene Brown expresses exactly what my ego has been saying to me. I allowed what happened between my pbff and I to shatter my self worth. My ego told me I am not enough, that's why she left our life. I am not lovable, that's why she ignores. And I am not worthy of other's love, that's why her entire family pulled out of our life.
You see, when we first became bff's, we were both single moms, recently divorced, and we picked up the slack for each other. Her family became mine. I am an only child and my parents live in a different state. So to have her and her family in our life was a huge blessing, a tender mercy from the Lord you might say.
But I let what happened between us affect me and shame me. I wasn't vulnerable. Now I am. Now I tell my story so I can find the connection and compassion and I know thankfully that I am enough. If someone chooses not to love me or be apart of our lives because of my weaknesses, I can't change that. I just have to believe in my divine worth and know that I am doing my best, serving, trying, loving, and being a mom to my kiddos. And that, that is enough. I want the friend who is going to love me because of my weaknesses and everything I bring to the table, not despite my weaknesses.
And I will make sure to choose to love others and their weaknesses because they are enough. We are tied through something greater than us all. We are all family, blood or not.
If at first you don't succeed....try, try, try again! This is a quote known to most of us. And I think it is very applicable when it comes to forgiveness. Forgiveness is hard. In my friendship that ended with my dear friend, I have been struggling with forgiving myself and her. It takes practice and a lot of try, try, try again. (find story in continuous atonement about making same mistakes over and over again. This coming week is the week we would normally be going to bear lake with them. Instead we will sit at home and wish things were different. We will hurt, ache, and miss them, but we will practice forgiveness. The definition of practice is below. Practice:
Noun
The actual application or use of an idea, belief, or method as opposed to theories about such application or use.
Verb
Perform (an activity) or exercise (a skill) repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain one's proficiency.
Practicing forgiveness can be hard, difficult, hopeless at times, and downright undesirable. Sometimes we wish for revenge, plot and reel from the damage that's been done to us whether real or perceived. But when taking into consideration the Verb form of the definition of practicing it says to perform or exercise forgiveness repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain proficiency. This is exactly what is great about the news! See I believe firmly that our hearts and spirits want to forgive and love others always. It's part of our divine nature. So when we continually fall and find imperfection in the ones we are trying to forgive, we gotta get back on the horse and practice more, practice with prayer, and practice unceasingly. Part of why I write this blog is so that I can keep reminding myself and having accountability in seeking repentance, extending forgiveness, and loving with a Christlike love. And I am going to be a little vulnerable here and tell you a secret....I SUCK AT IT! But I keep trying. As quoted from wikipedia and earlier version of the story of the "the Little Train that Could" we learn a great deal of motivation to keep trying to forgive. We may think we will never be able to forgive someone who has hurt us so deeply, but we can. Here is the earlier version... "A little railroad engine was employed about a station yard for such work as it was built for, pulling a few cars on and off the switches. One morning it was waiting for the next call when a long train of freight-cars asked a large engine in the roundhouse to take it over the hill. "I can't; that is too much a pull for me," said the great engine built for hard work. Then the train asked another engine, and another, only to hear excuses and be refused. In desperation, the train asked the little switch engine to draw it up the grade and down on the other side. "I think I can," puffed the little locomotive, and put itself in front of the great heavy train. As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can." As it neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly. However, it still kept saying, "I—think—I—can, I—think—I—can." It reached the top by drawing on bravery and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself by saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could."" We too can find forgiveness for anyone, it just may take a lot of practice, falling down and getting up, falling to our knees, and the understanding that we would want our Father in Heaven to forgive us, so it is required we forgive. Practice makes perfect.
“In friendship...we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting--any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you," can truly say to every group of Christian friends, "Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another." The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.”
Friendship, Forgiving, Compassion, and the Golden Rule
In this video Karen talks about how people are more concerned with being right rather than doing right. She talks about the opposite of the golden rule which is don't do to others what we don't want them to do with us. She talks about the global impact and society but I want to bring it back to a personal note and share what it means personally and with forgiveness.
For instance, we have a choice to forgive those who have hurt us with the golden rule that we want others to forgive us. We can look at the opposite which is we don't want to hate those who have hurt us because we don't want others who we've hurt to hate us.
Let's take it one step further. We forgive others because we want our God to forgive us.
My pbff has been ignoring me now for 6 mos under the pretense she can't fix what she did to me and what I did to her. I knowing how bad it hurts must never ignore someone else. I have to look at her story, find compassion and treat her the way I would hope she would me. This to me is compassionate thinking. Tell me what you think about this video. Warning: this is deep.
Challenge those you see who are not compassionate whether personally, locally, within your community, your religion, push compassion.
Can you imagine a world without forgiveness? What would it look like world wide? What would it look like in your own community? What would it look like in your own home? What would it look like in your heart? What would it look like in the presence of your God if there were no forgiveness? In this video Thich Nhat Hanh gives me an "aha" moment. He talks about how only true understanding can bring about true forgiveness. He says that having a willingness to forgive is not enough. That you cannot truly understand and forgive until you see the person/s who caused the harms side and see their suffering. This is what then gives you the compassion to truly forgive and love them. My "aha" moment is this is what God is so capable of doing. He sees us with complete, compassion, understanding our sufferings, fears, etc. which played a part in our wrong doing. God has complete and full compassion which is what allows Him to forgive us so easily. When we can see someone else from God's eyes then it's not a problem to forgive someone no matter how great the injury they caused us. I'm not saying it's easy or instant, just right and possible. The compassion allows us to forgive and love the person.
Without forgiveness, there would be no hope. It would literally be a destructive chain of suffering. One of my favorite books is called Left to Tell. It is a story of forgiveness. Suffering can elevate us or it can hang us over the pits of hell waiting to cut line at any minute. The choice is ours. Forgiveness can be done with the architecture of never letting it happen again. It is a deep process of the heart and you need to honor the betrayal, the hurt, the damage, and such. Forgiveness is not sentimental, it is from the heart. It is a tearing of the closeness of the heart. Sometimes the hurt is what brings us back to what matters most, to love to life, to God. Seeing the other person with compassion can teach us many lessons.
Those who forgive the most and the deepest are of the most holy. They are the most like God. I believe this is true because they are also the ones who will be the most forgiven.
We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness. --Thich Nhat Hanh We are all in this together. Now take for instance my situation with my pbff. She left not out of love. She left because she didn't get the secret to life. Our connectedness. Her family didn't understand it, they were working under the pretense of protection and not vulnerability. I was working under hurt and reactions. However, I have learned that I have to be vulnerable and tell my story and have empathy and courage to connect with others. I had to decide that I will not leave a legacy of hate towards them or my ex. The jerks. Just kidding. In all honesty, I want more for my kids. I want them to learn what I wasn't able to earlier. Love more those who hurt you, love more those who are hard. Have compassion and forgiveness beyond measure. Do good to those that hate you. Pray for those that despitefully use you. Easier than said when sometimes you want to tell those people who have hurt you to get a frickin clue. That's the honest part. But it's not the right part. The freedom to choose your spirit despite your circumstance. You can choose to love more those who have hurt you, or you can choose to ignore, or you can choose to be angry and upset. You choose your spirit. Some people that come to mind are Nelson Mandela after robben island, Victor Frankl after the concentration camps. They chose their spirit. They were courageous, vulnerable, and moving the world to a better place. Forgiveness is the ability to let go the suffering, the sorrows, the burden, the pain, the humiliation, the damage, the hurt, and betrayals of the past and instead choose the higher law of love. I often wonder if my pbff and her family would have come to us and said we love you, we care about you, we are here for you, we want to help and be empathetic, what the difference would have made. I wonder how different it might have looked if I would have been vulnerable enough and shared what was really going on and had the courage to expose my feelings and loved more and not reacted. But I am choosing to do so now. I am choosing my spirit to love them more despite hurt that is still in our paths. I want my children to learn forgiveness and love through being able to be vulnerable, finding the courage to love, have compassion, and connect with others.
“If you want to see the brave, look at those who can forgive. If you want to see the heroic, look at those who can love in return for hatred.”
