Forgiveness...the essential lifesaving condition and gift!

The video below describes one of the most beautiful evidence of the miracle and gift of forgiveness. Please watch. Please go further and reach out to someone who has hurt you and give them the gift they can't give themself, forgiveness.

It hit me today like a ton of bricks that if we don't forgive others and embrace them like the Savior would us, we have no right to expect forgiveness from our Savior.

Obligated to Love More and Forgive

We are obliged to be reconciled to [our] brother even when he is wrong and we are only the victim of the grievance. For purposes of the commandment of reconciliation, fault is unimportant. The object is reconciliation; peace not justice. Reconciliation seeks the restoration of relationships, not the adjudication of differences. --Dallin H. Oaks

For those of you who are not LDS in faith, let me give you a little background on this post. Yesterday as I sat through church I had all kinds of mixed emotions. You see the subject was on forgiveness, which as you can tell by the 90 something posts that I have been jabbering in, is quite the sensitive subject to me. 

At first, I sat in the meeting wondering why if there are so many great examples of forgiveness in our church and in the Bible and in the gospel as a whole, why can't my pbff forgive me. Why am I still angry with her? Why did I make the mistakes I made and why am I still pleading and begging for her and her family to forgive me through a seemingly obsessive forgiveness blog? Because let's be real people...this blog of mine is a little over the top! Then two stories were told that helped me see that it doesn't matter.

The stories were about who our faith reveres as a Prophet of God, who came to earth and restored the beautiful Gospel of Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith. 

The first was a story of Ezra Booth, who became a missionary after seeing a miracle of the healing of Elsa Johnson's arm. While on a mission for the church he became disappointed that he was no longer witnessing miracles on the same level and his behavior was not indicative of what a latter day saint should be. So he was excommunicated from the church. Long story short, Ezra started writing letters and trying to destroy Joseph and the church which led to Joseph being tarred and feathered. The way they did this was they choked him, tore off his clothes, tried to push a paddle of hot tar and acid in his mouth, scratched him, and poured the tar and feathers onto his body.

The next day Joseph went at the usual time to worship with the Saints and as he delivered his sermon, and let it be mentioned, some of the mob from the previous night were there, he never mentioned the violence of the night before. He just loved those brethren and wanted to serve them and his Lord. Now maybe we have not all been scraped, tarred and feathered, and burned with acid, but we have all maybe been hurt, humiliated, embarrassed, used, crapped on (for lack of better term), abandoned, spent, and destroyed, either by the intentional or unintentional doing of another.

In looking at the quote above, I can't help but think of how I need to handle things with my pbff. It doesn't matter who was at fault or who hurt whom. What matters is I am under the same obligation and commandment as we all are to forgive and love more. With so many great people around and wonderful examples, I can't help but try and emulate the Savior's example and the many others.

I am not enough...I am not lovable....I am not worthy of you.

Dr. Brené Brown: The Two Most Dangerous

Brene Brown expresses exactly what my ego has been saying to me. I allowed what happened between my pbff and I to shatter my self worth. My ego told me I am not enough, that's why she left our life. I am not lovable, that's why she ignores. And I am not worthy of other's love, that's why her entire family pulled out of our life.

You see, when we first became bff's, we were both single moms, recently divorced, and we picked up the slack for each other. Her family became mine. I am an only child and my parents live in a different state. So to have her and her family in our life was a huge blessing, a tender mercy from the Lord you might say.

But I let what happened between us affect me and shame me. I wasn't vulnerable. Now I am. Now I tell my story so I can find the connection and compassion and I know thankfully that I am enough. If someone chooses not to love me or be apart of our lives because of my weaknesses, I can't change that. I just have to believe in my divine worth and know that I am doing my best, serving, trying, loving, and being a mom to my kiddos. And that, that is enough. I want the friend who is going to love me because of my weaknesses and everything I bring to the table, not despite my weaknesses. 

And I will make sure to choose to love others and their weaknesses because they are enough. We are tied through something greater than us all. We are all family, blood or not.

Practice Forgiveness...

Practicing Forgiveness?

If at first you don't succeed....try, try, try again!

This is a quote known to most of us. And I think it is very applicable when it comes to forgiveness. Forgiveness is hard. In my friendship that ended with my dear friend, I have been struggling with forgiving myself and her. It takes practice and a lot of try, try, try again. (find story in continuous atonement about making same mistakes over and over again. This coming week is the week we would normally be going to bear lake with them. Instead we will sit at home and wish things were different. We will hurt, ache, and miss them, but we will practice forgiveness. The definition of practice is below.

Practice:

Noun The actual application or use of an idea, belief, or method as opposed to theories about such application or use.

Verb Perform (an activity) or exercise (a skill) repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain one's proficiency.

Practicing forgiveness can be hard, difficult, hopeless at times, and downright undesirable. Sometimes we wish for revenge, plot and reel from the damage that's been done to us whether real or perceived. But when taking into consideration the Verb form of the definition of practicing it says to perform or exercise forgiveness repeatedly or regularly in order to improve or maintain proficiency. This is exactly what is great about the news! See I believe firmly that our hearts and spirits want to forgive and love others always. It's part of our divine nature. So when we continually fall and find imperfection in the ones we are trying to forgive, we gotta get back on the horse and practice more, practice with prayer, and practice unceasingly.

Part of why I write this blog is so that I can keep reminding myself and having accountability in seeking repentance, extending forgiveness, and loving with a Christlike love. And I am going to be a little vulnerable here and tell you a secret....I SUCK AT IT! But I keep trying. 

As quoted from wikipedia and earlier version of the story of the "the Little Train that Could" we learn a great deal of motivation to keep trying to forgive. We may think we will never be able to forgive someone who has hurt us so deeply, but we can. Here is the earlier version...

"A little railroad engine was employed about a station yard for such work as it was built for, pulling a few cars on and off the switches. One morning it was waiting for the next call when a long train of freight-cars asked a large engine in the roundhouse to take it over the hill. "I can't; that is too much a pull for me," said the great engine built for hard work. Then the train asked another engine, and another, only to hear excuses and be refused. In desperation, the train asked the little switch engine to draw it up the grade and down on the other side. "I think I can," puffed the little locomotive, and put itself in front of the great heavy train. As it went on the little engine kept bravely puffing faster and faster, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."

As it neared the top of the grade, which had so discouraged the larger engines, it went more slowly. However, it still kept saying, "I—think—I—can, I—think—I—can." It reached the top by drawing on bravery and then went on down the grade, congratulating itself by saying, "I thought I could, I thought I could.""

We too can find forgiveness for anyone, it just may take a lot of practice, falling down and getting up, falling to our knees, and the understanding that we would want our Father in Heaven to forgive us, so it is required we forgive. Practice makes perfect. 

Karen Armstrong, the golden rule, and forgiveness...

“In friendship...we think we have chosen our peers. In reality a few years' difference in the dates of our births, a few more miles between certain houses, the choice of one university instead of another...the accident of a topic being raised or not raised at a first meeting--any of these chances might have kept us apart. But, for a Christian, there are, strictly speaking no chances. A secret master of ceremonies has been at work. Christ, who said to the disciples, "Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you," can truly say to every group of Christian friends, "Ye have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another." The friendship is not a reward for our discriminating and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each of us the beauties of others.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Friendship, Forgiving, Compassion, and the Golden Rule

In this video Karen talks about how people are more concerned with being right rather than doing right. She talks about the opposite of the golden rule which is don't do to others what we don't want them to do with us. She talks about the global impact and society but I want to bring it back to a personal note and share what it means personally and with forgiveness.

For instance, we have a choice to forgive those who have hurt us with the golden rule that we want others to forgive us. We can look at the opposite which is we don't want to hate those who have hurt us because we don't want others who we've hurt to hate us.

Let's take it one step further. We forgive others because we want our God to forgive us.

My pbff has been ignoring me now for 6 mos under the pretense she can't fix what she did to me and what I did to her. I knowing how bad it hurts must never ignore someone else. I have to look at her story, find compassion and treat her the way I would hope she would me. This to me is compassionate thinking. Tell me what you think about this video. Warning: this is deep.

Challenge those you see who are not compassionate whether personally, locally, within your community, your religion, push compassion.

A World Without Forgiveness? Can we forgive and love even the deepest of harms, suffering, and hurt?

Can you imagine a world without forgiveness? What would it look like world wide? What would it look like in your own community? What would it look like in your own home? What would it look like in your heart? What would it look like in the presence of your God if there were no forgiveness?

In this video Thich Nhat Hanh gives me an "aha" moment. He talks about how only true understanding can bring about true forgiveness. He says that having a willingness to forgive is not enough. That you cannot truly understand and forgive until you see the person/s who caused the harms side and see their suffering. This is what then gives you the compassion to truly forgive and love them. My "aha" moment is this is what God is so capable of doing. He sees us with complete, compassion, understanding our sufferings, fears, etc. which played a part in our wrong doing. God has complete and full compassion which is what allows Him to forgive us so easily. When we can see someone else from God's eyes then it's not a problem to forgive someone no matter how great the injury they caused us. I'm not saying it's easy or instant, just right and possible. The compassion allows us to forgive and love the person.





Without forgiveness, there would be no hope. It would literally be a destructive chain of suffering.
One of my favorite books is called Left to Tell. It is a story of forgiveness. Suffering can elevate us or it can hang us over the pits of hell waiting to cut line at any minute. The choice is ours.

Forgiveness can be done with the architecture of never letting it happen again. It is a deep process of the heart and you need to honor the betrayal, the hurt, the damage, and such. Forgiveness is not sentimental, it is from the heart. It is a tearing of the closeness of the heart. Sometimes the hurt is what brings us back to what matters most, to love to life, to God. Seeing the other person with compassion can teach us many lessons.

Those who forgive the most and the deepest are of the most holy. They are the most like God. I believe this is true because they are also the ones who will be the most forgiven.

Courage, compassion, and connectivity with being vulnerable and forgiving.

We are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness.
--Thich Nhat Hanh

We are all in this together. Now take for instance my situation with my pbff. She left not out of love. She left because she didn't get the secret to life. Our connectedness. Her family didn't understand it, they were working under the pretense of protection and not vulnerability. I was working under hurt and reactions. However, I have learned that I have to be vulnerable and tell my story and have empathy and courage to connect with others.

I had to decide that I will not leave a legacy of hate towards them or my ex. The jerks. Just kidding. In all honesty, I want more for my kids. I want them to learn what I wasn't able to earlier. Love more those who hurt you, love more those who are hard. Have compassion and forgiveness beyond measure. Do good to those that hate you. Pray for those that despitefully use you. Easier than said when sometimes you want to tell those people who have hurt you to get a frickin clue. That's the honest part. But it's not the right part.

The freedom to choose your spirit despite your circumstance. You can choose to love more those who have hurt you, or you can choose to ignore, or you can choose to be angry and upset. You choose your spirit. Some people that come to mind are Nelson Mandela after robben island, Victor Frankl after the concentration camps. They chose their spirit. They were courageous, vulnerable, and moving the world to a better place.

Forgiveness is the ability to let go the suffering, the sorrows, the burden, the pain, the humiliation, the damage, the hurt, and betrayals of the past and instead choose the higher law of love. I often wonder if my pbff and her family would have come to us and said we love you, we care about you, we are here for you, we want to help and be empathetic, what the difference would have made. I wonder how different it might have looked if I would have been vulnerable enough and shared what was really going on and had the courage to expose my feelings and loved more and not reacted. 

But I am choosing to do so now. I am choosing my spirit to love them more despite hurt that is still in our paths. I want my children to learn forgiveness and love through being able to be vulnerable, finding the courage to love, have compassion, and connect with others. 

“If you want to see the brave, look at those who can forgive. If you want to see the heroic, look at those who can love in return for hatred.”

― Krishna Dharma