Hypocrite! The partial story of the fallout. Sorry in a mood to RANT!

Hypocrite! This is what I called my so called best friend.  I was upset that she was going to the temple after knowing about some of her weaknesses. This is not to say that I didn't have hundreds of weaknesses myself, which made me judgmental. It was wrong of me. I gave her a beating she didn't deserve instead of loving her more.

I have apologized countless times. She wrote me off because I was unworthy of her love, unworthy of her effort, and I'm hard. I am self admittedly hard. I have no brothers or sisters, I have abandonment issues because of some early childhood circumstances and I take up too much time and effort from others. 

However, sometimes people write people off like me because they see me as too much work, "incurable," and not worth the effort. But I dare say, I am "curable," I am worth it, and what people know of me is a mere fraction of what my Savior knows of me. He hasn't written me off. How do people justify writing others off when we hear of the stories of the 99 and 1, or would they ever want their Savior to write them off because they are hard or they have weaknesses?

It is true that I can stand tall, I can beat the weaknesses that contributed to the fallout of my friendship, as can she. Clearly I haven't written myself off, I turned to my faith even though this is most definitely the hardest thing I've had to face in life. But I refused to give up.

My friend, who is a social worker, knew the issues, I have always been honest with her. She told me she would never leave. Our relationship in the past is what it is. There were some rocky moments and issues but the important part is we can be committed to a God centered friendship in the future. The two of us should have committed to supporting one another in our God centered goals. Both single moms, both trying to do what's best, and yet both failed each other. Having the support of her and her family should have been a positive helpful thing. I'm saddened they chose the choice they made.

I judged my friend and didn't do the right thing when she was struggling. Now she and her family have judged me. I have been what in the Amish community is called "shunned."  None of us are pure and clean to sit in that calling. However, the atonement provides a path to complete forgiveness for all sin and hurt and we all need that cleansing.

The more good people to support others, the more likely they will stay the course. Choose to love. I know I have work to do in this area. Choose to be as the Savior would do and increase the love towards those hardest to love. 

Couldn't have needed this more....

“This year, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgigve an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again.”

Aloneness...

The fellowship of true friends who can hear you out, share your joys, help carry your burdens, and correctly counsel you is priceless. For one who has been in the prison of depression, the words of the Prophet Joseph Smith have special meaning: “How sweet the voice of a friend is; one token of friendship from any source whatever awakens and calls into action every sympathetic feeling.”--ET Benson

It's no secret that I'm struggling right now, but the feeling of being alone is so strong that I've never experienced a darker time than right now.  I have gone through a lot in my life but nothing has compared to this feeling. It can't even be described. It's not a depression, emptiness, vast hole, dark abyss, but a combination of all these things to a level that can't be quantified.

Of course, we have many examples in the scriptures of people feeling alone and abandoned. The Savior himself, had to do the unthinkable of taking upon Him the sins, darkness, and all other sufferings in Gethsamene while His disciples, closest friends, slept. He asked them to wait with Him just off a little way. When he came back He found them asleep. Can you imagine? To have to suffer the pains of all humanity and find your closest friends slept through it? We have Job, who after trial after trial, felt the feeling of being alone when he lost family and friends from doing what is right. I could keep listing the examples but the point is here, alone stinks!

This entire blog has been about my asking people to love more, forgive more, understand more, help more, be more. There was an agenda to it as well, to get my bff to realize the hurt she caused me. That she slept through my suffering. Let me state here, as well, I realize she felt I slept during her suffering. But from my perspective, she has slept through my suffering, she has actually walked away, turned her head, and chose not to forgive, love, understand, help or be.

I realize in some ways, I am doing the same thing. I haven't given her the space she needs to heal, forgiven her, or understood her hurt. I try.  I tell myself everyday to do the things in this blog. But honestly, I'm not there.

So I look to those who have felt these alone feelings, like the Savior and Job, and how did they respond? With bitterness? Vengeful feelings? Or an increased love? Of course it's an increased love that they felt.

How do I escape the feelings of being alone? Is the answer as simple as forgiving and loving and praying? Not so far. Is it to escape by being more busy and trying not to think about the past? Is it to pretend it doesn't hurt? Is it to accept the fact that things will never be ok and just do your best? Is it to settle in and just hurt? How does the Atonement lift and buoy us and sustain us through these times? How do you invoke the utilization of the atonement to help sanctify you through this? Could it be as easy as Lincoln suggests...“When I do good I feel good,” said Abraham Lincoln, “and when I do bad I feel bad." Could the answer be fasting and prayer? Or just enduring longer than Satan does?

The truth is, it's probably a combination of all of these sanctifying actions. I hope the peace that the Savior gives comes soon. 

Brief Message from our Kid President...

We are all on the same team!!!

This video is great, the message I like the best is where he talks about two roads diverging and he chooses the lesser one and then comments, "and it hurts, not cool Robert Frost." Sometimes choosing the road to forgiveness or repentance hurts but it's the right road. I know, I always have to have some message about forgiveness or repentance. Now go bring some awesomeness to the world! Do something courageous today. Forgive someone impossible to forgive, love someone who seems to be impossible to love, repent of something you've kept hidden, be awesome!

Where is God? Why hast thou forsaken me?

In the book the "Continuous Atonement" by Brad Wilcox, he speaks about the moment where the Savior feels he has been left alone by God. In fact saying in essence, "Abba, Abba, why hast thou forsaken me." Then he explains his reasoning why he thinks this happened. I agree with the logic of Wilcox's thought process. He gives the illustration that a seminary teacher once asked the question, "what if Jesus failed? what if He sinned or wasn't perfect? was there a backup plan so we could return to Heavenly Father?" He then answers these questions quoting Elder Packer with a definite NO! There was only one plan. We each took the risk knowing the benefits and we trusted that the Savior would be perfect and make the perfect Atonement. So when Christ asks, "Abba, Abba, why hast thou forsaken me?" God knew that the Savior must finish the process because all of us depended on Him and His Atonement. We needed the Atonement to be complete, that the Savior needed to complete it with perfectness, so that we may return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. The takeaway here is, God did not forsake Him but let something greater be accomplished.

And we see this again with Moses. Wilcox explains..."Moses saw God and afterwords we learn that "God...withdrew His presence from Moses so that Moses could come to understand that his very life-energy and strength came from God and that without God he would be nothing. Moses fell to the earth for many hours and experienced the contrast of being without God's sustenance...The term nothing , in this context, does not mean worthless or valueless...Nothing in this case means powerless." So again, God did not forsake Moses, but temporarily withdrew so that something greater could be accomplished. Moses realized the partnership with the Lord.

And again, I see this with myself and my situation. Going through the trial I have been experiencing, I have felt a withdrawal of my God. However, let me state emphatically, that I am not the person my Savior or Moses was at the time of their withdrawals. I am not talking about the withdrawal of the spirit because of my actions, hurt, and sin. I am talking about the withdrawal of God so that He might bring about a greater good. There has been much fasting, prayer, and turning to God for a miracle or two through my process. There has been a pleading for comfort, relief, and solace. There has been a pleading for a reconciliation with my bff, there has been a pleading for the softening of hearts with everyone involved. And then there was the emptiness of answer to those pleadings. I have felt like crying out "my God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" I have felt the pains of loneliness.

And despite knowing that God does this so that greater good can be accomplished, it sometimes doesn't make it any easier. It does however, sanctify us in the knowledge that He loves us so much that sometimes He will withdraw so we can be one with Him. As a mom, this is hard for any parent to watch. He doesn't want me to suffer like this, He doesn't want me alone, He doesn't want to withdraw, but He does it because He loves me more.

Christ and Satan...Duality of Effort

And it's back...I had somehow managed to push my depression and horrible feelings aside for about a day. I was talking to a friend one night, who in essence told me to let it go and get busy and I will start to feel better. So I did that.  I chose not to do my daily routine of late, which is sit and read spiritual books about love, forgiveness, the Atonement. And guess what? The day that I chose to leave all that out...I felt better. Which led me to some thinking about how my thoughts and actions have worked in the past as well.

About 15 years or so ago, I remember speaking to my friend who was the first counselor in the stake presidency about an interesting observation of myself. I said to him that anytime I feel like I am making a big spiritual push in my journey, that things get worse, hard, an unbearable. I told him that I know God must live because I know Satan lives.  Every time I try to do more, pray harder, go to the temple more often, I carry the biggest heaviest dark cloud around me. I feel unhappy. As we talked about it, we talked that it's probably because Satan ups his efforts so that I won't make the progress.

So with the recent events and trials going on about me, I have made an extreme effort to get out of the cycle of unhappiness, sin, hurt, and damage by my actions. I have been doing everything I humanly can to find God. In the course of this, I have felt worse. I have felt Satan. I know his fruits. Depression, anxiety, not eating, not sleeping, discouragement, hopelessness. What confuses me is do  you keep pushing through it till you find God has been there with you? Or do you stop at the knowing that this is making things worse or harder for you and you may not recover. Even as I type this, I know the answer is not to stop.

So does the efforts of Satan always correlate with the efforts of me trying to find Christ? Not sure. Is  it that the fallen angel wants me more than I want to persevere? Does he try harder than I?

All I know is I can't let him win; I will rely on God and push forward, no matter the pushing back Satan does.

Where is the Savior? Feeling Godly Sorrow

In a post I made about forgiveness and Godly Sorrow vs. Worldly Sorrow I made a list of symptoms or signs that one would feel if they are experiencing godly sorrow. I pointed out the differences between the two sorrows. Paraphrasing quickly, the difference is worldly sorrow seems to be a consequence of sin, where godly sorrow is the realization of the separation between you and God. The signs I listed in that post are:

"There are signs you will see if you have Godly Sorrow; you will have "reservoirs of compassion for those you have hurt, perhaps sore embarrassment, and finally and always a willingness to submit to whatever is necessary" to make things right. It may be an apology, a fixing and mending of hearts, etc. You would be willing to do whatever it takes to reestablish your standing with God. More signs of Godly Sorrow are:

• absence of excuses
• absence of blaming others
• absence of alibis
• willingness to restore to those we've hurt what we damaged, whether physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally
• willingness to apologize
• willingness to confess
• willingness to have compassion to those hurt"

At the time of the post, I was feeling worldly sorrow. The kind you feel when you miss your friend, miss having someone be there, miss being able to share the ups and downs, etc. I was more concerned with reconciling the worldly sorrow and repairing the friendship than repairing my relationship with my God. While I still feel the worldly sorrow intensely and still desire reconciliation, I have been feeling the "Godly Sorrow" now and am desperately seeking for the comforter that the Savior is. I am desperately looking for the "buckler" that the Savior is. The Consoler, the Protector, the Friend, the Healer, the Advocate, the Peacegiver, my Redeemer is who I am looking for. 

My experience the last week has left me confused, hurt, alone, and in desperate need of my Savior. I have lost 23lbs in 6 mos, have been vacant in feelings as a mom, have felt desolate, abandoned, and completely alone to shoulder the pain I brought to myself, my best friend, and my innocent kids. I have read several talks, books, forums, etc. seeking advice on how to dig out and use the Atonement. I have fasted, prayed, tried to repent, and I feel more alone than ever. I have come to the point where I don't know how to proceed. All I know is that my Savior is all of these things and doesn't lie or disappoint. Where is He? How do I find Him? All I know is I will keep looking for Him.

Get Out There And Do For Someone Struggling... Set Pride Aside and Help

Make Up Your Mind- Charity Never Faileth

Today, as I sat reading the Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox, I was pondering my feelings of aloneness, sadness, and abandonment. I began to feel a deep depression overcome me when I realized, what am I doing? Yes, I am hurting, yes I feel alone, yes I am struggling as never before, so the answer came to me. I need to get moving towards others and get out of myself. 

I am going to focus more on HOW I can love my friend more, not why is she not loving me. I am going to assume the best of her, not doubt her. I am going to not believe the things that don't seem congruent with her loving nature, I know who she is and I am going to trust in that. These videos below are helping me to love others more and to develop God-like love. Disclaimer: for my non mormon visitors to this site, these videos come off a video channel from the lds church. However, they are applicable in principle to everyone. I hope you enjoy them and they inspire you like they did me.

Get out there and help someone you know is struggling.

Charity never faileth...Love others...This is a commandment. Lay down your life for his friends. Forging a friendship with the scriptures.

Do not delay loving others, forgiving others and using the term "someday." The day is today. Charity is the requirement not expectation.

School Thy Feelings....Anger

“Anger doesn’t solve anything. It builds nothing, but it can destroy everything.”

Through my recent trial, I have been feeling a lot of anger at times. What's interesting with this is that I am not a very angry person. However, through the three year friendship that has come to an end, I have had bouts of severe anger. Looking back, I think it comes back to the principle where when one leaves God out, you, friendships, relationships, and everything starts to deteriorate. Anything left stagnate will deteriorate. That was the same with me. When I left God out, my spirit deteriorated, and I was quick to anger. This also happened at the time when my husband left. Apparently, I am really good at finding injustices whether real or perceived and letting anger work  it's destructive magic.

President Monson gave a beautiful talk back in 2009 on the subject of anger. It has so many nuggets of wisdom that I am linking the entire article here.

In President Monson's talk, he speaks of a few different cases of injustices, hurts, wrongs, and what anger did in each of the cases. I looked at my own situations and saw ugliness. I saw that what happened between my friend and I was not the result of what she did to me but my reaction of anger towards her. On a few occasions, we tried to work things out, but I could not get over my anger towards her because of the perceived injustices. Now I'm left with this thought mentioned in the talk...

Apropos are the words of the poet John Greenleaf Whittier: “Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been!’

What might have been had I forgiven her and loved her more from day one. What might be if I can drop the anger now and forgive and love her more? What might have been or be if she dropped the anger and could forgive me? 

As I am typing this, it occurred to me that anger is the last five letters of the word danger. I'm sure that has been pointed out somewhere before and that I am not just that brilliant, but interesting because it's as though the word warns you of it's outcomes unintentionally. 

As I looked at the perceived injustices with my friend and I, I let anger in, let anger destroy the friendship. I couldn't reconcile the feelings I had. Now I have a choice again...Since the ruination of the friendship, I have heard some of the things she has been saying to her family about me. It brings up a lot of injustices and I am struggling with anger again. I won't fall victim of my anger this time though, I will forgive, love more, and choose as the talk suggests to not take offense where none is intended. I will choose to think that despite our situation, she loves me as much as I love her, and thinks highly of me still.

It comes back to that the Lord is disappointed more with how I reacted to her out of anger more than the actual hurt that was inflicted by both of us to each other. The damage was greater by what we let become of us than the original  hurt.  

Build a bigger box...

"They broke the mold when they made you. When someone don't fit into a neat little box, the answer ain't to squeeze them in even harder, you build a bigger box. Shoot God dont make no mistakes and he ain't about to start with you."-- Lines from Joyful Noise

I will never forget the day that my friend who is a social worker, came and sat down on my couch with me to tell me something. Since this blog is all about healing, repentance, forgiveness, and honesty, this is some straight forward truth that is a little hard to admit.

That day my friend approached me, she asked me to sit down.  She said to me, "Heath, I'm going to take a big risk with telling you something." She proceeded to tell me of a patient that she had the previous week who has a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. She then went on to say that she asked the patient what has helped her the most, and she replied that getting a label or a diagnosis for her feelings helped the most. She has the mental illness Borderline Personality according to her. My friend had accidentally thrown out the term the week prior and when I asked her about it, she denied saying it and changed the subject. Then this day as she sat on my couch, she cautiously went about trying to let me know she thought I have Borderline Personality.

What my friend didn't know was that back in June, this was in September, I went to my counselor and we discussed BPD as a label to see if I fit. While I do not fit the criteria of having a full diagnosis, I do have several BPD attributes, tendencies, predisposition, or whatever you want to call it. I have a heavy sided fear of abandonment. The top reasons or environmental factors for BPD are neglect, adoption, abuse, sexual abuse, along with genetic factors. I don't have any genetic info since I'm adopted. Suffice it to say, when I heard the term I thought great it will explain things.

I don't cut, gamble, drink, do drugs, drive crazy, binge eat, impulsive shop, or anything that is common with BPD. That's when my counselor debunked the diagnosis.

However, that being said, I definitely have the fear of abandonment. I have 3 friends who over the years I have placed in a role not fair to them. They all had a spiritual quality about them that I was drawn to. They all had a loving nature and were compassionate beyond measure. They all had a nature that was caring and consoling. I would do anything to get their approval. I loved to be held by these friends (in a platonic, motherly/sisterly relationship sort of way). I would do whatever it took to be loved by these people. For instance, the friend that just ended our friendship, I bought her a computer, paid for most of a 13 day trip for her and her kids, mowed her yard countless times, babysat for her countless times, went above and beyond in several ways. Now, she did the same for me. This isn't a prideful boasting this is to show you the pattern of codependency in my friendships with certain people. With friend number two, I bought them a tv, a trip to disneyland, ran several errands for, and was at her beckon call. As long as these people provided for my physical need of being held, I would go to the ends of the earth for them. It was like an addiction. When I asked my counselor about it, she said my needs stem from my environmental factors and that they are healthy needs if talked about, agreed upon, and acted in a healthy manner.

Phew, because I always felt bad or built wrong because I wanted to be held from certain people. Now let me put this out there!!! I don't like to be held or touched by anyone unless it's one of these friends or a boyfriend type.

Each of the three relationships, I managed to ruin at one point or another. Two of the three friends and I were able to reconcile and in fact we have a better relationship today than ever. I am open and honest with them about my needs, wants, agendas, and how to give back to meet their needs, wants, agendas, etc.

The friendship with my bff however, ended. It ended because I didn't fit neatly into their box. It ended because she and I couldn't do what my counselor suggested and that is to deal with hurt feelings delicately. I would throw my friends weaknesses in her face, hoping to push her away so that she couldn't hurt me. And you know what? I won, right? Didn't I win? I forced her out. Well, winning doesn't feel so good. Her and her entire family she involved, bailed. Now I'm on my pity pony riding to the bitter barn. The tragedy in all of this is the good that God meant for us to be in each other's lives were sacrificed due to selfishness.

The bigger tragedy was the lack of opportunity that God gave us to forgive completely and set our pride aside and have an increased measure of love, like His example. Here is a quote on pride that I love. I used to say to my friend that God is more upset with how we are reacting to the hurt and sin than the sin and hurt in the first place.  I was right because Satan got his power through enmity between my friend and I.

“Pride is a very misunderstood sin. . . .“Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.

“The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Just as I am missing out on the many great things about my friend and her family, they are missing out on us and the many wonderful things we brought to their life. All because pride won't let us heal the hurt. I may not fit in the box but I deserve to have a bigger box built for me.

Forgiveness....Among loved ones

For Ann

So in a previous post, I posed the question if it's easier to forgive those close to us or complete strangers during heinous and grievous acts. I've also talked with a lot of people and the common consensus seems to be that it's easier to forgive strangers. We already discussed why I think that is. Then today, I came upon a blog that cited two examples of people forgiving those who are very close to them. It lightened my soul in many ways. One of the stories I will post below.

First it gave me hope that it might happen in my own situation. I was family to my friend and her family. In fact, every card she wrote was signed with a deep affection, her family wrote cards of how great it was we were a part of their family, etc. I guess that's why it hurt so much to be dropped in an instant. Second, it restored my hope in humanity. For we know to return to our Heavenly Father we must forgive and love those that offended us with an increased love. And the story below gave me hope for that.

The example that I am posting below mostly has to do with the criminal justice process with a family that forgave their daughter's shooter. He was close with her family and considered family when he shot her point blank in the face while she was on her knees asking him not to shoot. The family forgave him, found compassion for him, and even asked for a reduced sentence of 10-15 years for the young man. They visit him in prison. They are friends with his family. The reason I use this post is because the act was so heinous and yet these people had the courage, knowledge, and God's love, to look at Conor as a child of God and forgive him. They also said a main motivation for forgiving him was so they wouldn't feel stuck.

The story is found here, it is 10 pages long.

NYTIMES ARTICLE

What if it was the Savior's Brother or Sister?

Today, as I pondered on good and evil, a thought came to me. Now this thought developed out of a three hour study this morning on the nature of people, evil vs. mentally ill, forgiveness and repentance, and personal accountability.

The question or thought that was posed to me was...."What if it was the Savior's Brother or Sister?" In relating it to my life I found the following situations applied to me. It made all other things irrelevant in the asking.

In terms of my friend and our falling out- What if it was the Savior's sister that hurt me, would I forgive her instantly? Would I find that increase of love for her and want to help her more? Would I do everything I could to build her and provide to her love and support? Or would I tear her down for hurting me, telling people my side of the story so people would not want to support her, or would I abandon the relationship and hope to never have to deal with it or take responsibility? The answer was easy, once the question was posed. She is the Savior's sister, and mine as well. Well, looking at the situation from these eyes, it came to me and impressed me that I would find and increased love for her, want to help her more, and do everything I can to build her and provide to her love and support. Because that is essentially who she is to me, a literal sister of my Savior. (redundancy here for added emphasis)

Or looking at our relationship from my inflicting hurt on her with the question posed. "What if I hurt the Savior's sister?" Would I do anything to make it right? Would I pray for forgiveness? Would I go to her seeking forgiveness and ways to make amends?  Would I build her through words? Would I pray for the hurt I inflicted on her to be minimal? Or would I choose the other path of she deserved it because she hurt me too? Or not take responsibility for my actions? Or not go to her and try and make amends? Would I try and inflict hurt back on her for hurting me? The answer here is just as easy...I would build her, pray for her, beg for forgiveness, repent of my shortcomings, serve her, make amends, and increase my love for her, because she is His sister and mine.

The question of "What if it was the Savior's brother or sister?" can be posed to any relationship. My relationship with my ex, my relationship with my kiddos, friends, ward members, and acquaintances. They are my brothers and sisters, I need to love them as they are, literal brothers and sisters to the Savior who laid down His life for me and expects me to find and increase of love for these people. Who am I not to love others more fully, forgive others more fully, serve others more fully, reach out to others more fully?

I pray that this week I can look at people from this lens and do more for others, have a change of heart, repair through amends, and love others unconditionally as the family that we are.

“And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”⁵

Friendship Quotes I love...

You is kind ♥

You is smart ♥

You is important ♥

True friendship helps give meaning to life. It is an anchor for the soul. Based on the pure love of Christ, it is security and trust between two individuals and is “stronger than the cords of death” (see D&C 121:43–44) because it transcends this mortal existence. Unfortunate is the person who has no true friend.

True friendship strives for unity of purpose, will, desire, heart, and mind. There must be complete trust and transparency, with no hidden agendas. True friendship transcends love as the world understands it. Based on charity, it is patient and kind. As David and Jonathan demonstrated so memorably, it does not envy; it does not boast; it is not proud. It is not rude, selfish, or easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs; it does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It can bear anything; it always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres. It never fails (see 1 Cor. 13:4–8; Moro. 7:45–47).

 Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of ‘what if’ and ‘if only.’ …

“Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey and share our love with friends and family. One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important.”

Being perfect is about you and your relationship to your self, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didn't let them down. Because you told them the truth and that truth is you did everything you could. There wasn't one more thing you could have done. Can you live in that moment, with clear eyes and love in your heart?--Friday Night Lights

Real friends share the gospel—the living of it and the loving of it. No stronger bond nor higher compliment can be given from one friend to another.


“Cultivate a spirit of charity; be ready to do for others more than you would expect from them if circumstances were reversed.”

… Let your minds be expanded to comprehend and look after the interest of your friends that are around you, and where it is in your power to secure benefits to your friends do so, and in so doing you will find that those things which you need will come into your hands quicker than if you labor entirely to secure them to yourselves independent of regarding the interests of your friends. I know this is a good and important principle. …

“My disciples, in days of old, sought occasion against one another, and forgave not one another in their hearts, and for this evil they were afflicted, and sorely chastened;

“Wherefore I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another, for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses, standeth condemned before the Lord, for there remaineth in him the greater sin.” [D&C 64:8–9.]

The Lord requires that men should forgive one another, even seventy times seven. And even if the party does not ask forgiveness, we are to forgive. … He that forgives not his brother, we are told, there remaineth in him the greater sin—that is, he is a greater sinner than the person that offended him. The Lord requires us to love our neighbor as we do ourselves—a pretty difficult matter under many circumstances; but we will have to reach that point of perfection, and we will reach it.

Gonna Get All Up In My Business...

Through my recent trial of hurt and loneliness I have often cried to God wondering "how could you do this to me?  You knew my weaknesses, you know my heart, you know my righteous desires...How could you put my best friend and I in a situation where you knew we would fall and hurt each other."

Then I found this video today...

Thank you God, for putting her in my life and letting me experience this pain that I might grow. Thank you that I have come to know thee even more because of her. Help me to repent, forgive and move towards loving her more and doing thy will. You are my gardener.

Worst Christmas Ever???

From a heartbroken, desperate, lonely state, I must say that this Christmas was the hardest I had in 39 years of living on earth. I'm going to get all up in the honesty business and let you know about a few of my struggles and weaknesses in the hopes someone may at some time be helped by this. Even if it's just me because let's state it how it is....no one reads this blog.  I will share another secret, all the page views on the front page, are just what's known as google spiders. So no one is reading it, it's just google and other search engines checking in. In fact, I don't give the blog address out. So really this is just me holding me accountable for my thoughts through the difficult trial I'm experiencing.

Let me first state that the friendship dissolution that occurred between my friend and I has devastated me more than it should. If anyone were to ever read this, it would scream a co-dependent relationship. She and I would often talk about how no one would ever understand our relationship. To us, it didn't matter if it was co-dependent or not, neither of us tried to give it a label. We just went with the connectedness we felt. We both went through painful divorces within months of each other. We were kindred spirits in my mind. We helped each other with shuttling kids, cooking dinners at times, and just filling in some of the space that was left after each of our spouses left.

Now, my friend cut all communication with me on Dec. 13, but really wasn't talking to me since Dec. 3. She has not responded to one email, phone call, or text. Till yesterday...she called and hung up. Anyway, that's irrelevant. I'm just letting you know why my Christmas was so hard. For the past couple of Christmas's, she and I would spend a good amount of December doing holiday traditions together and going to her family party, a work party of her sister in law's that we both worked for, and spending time with our kids by my fire watching movies.

This year was the first year that I did not have one Christmas party to attend. Contrast that with 3 years ago when I had nine. I don't have any brothers or sisters and my family lives in another state a few hours away. We basically sat around and stared at each other for the month. It was a very lonely time, very depressing, very static, very hurtful, very un Christmas like.

However, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I repented, repented, and repented (don't worry still have a lot of that to do). And I collapsed. I probably read 6 full books on everything I could get my hands on with regards to repentance and forgiveness, hoping and fasting for that miracle to come.

In my earthly perspective, the miracle never came. It was a really hard time for me. I did, however, progress spiritually and that may be all what I needed. I take hope in the fact that God loves me and I see Miracles in other's lives transpiring. And really, I am grateful because even though the miracle I am hoping for hasn't come, I know it will.

Loving Others, Dare we forget?

As I thought about my role in the falling out of my friendship with my BFF, I realized the many mistakes that I made that I need to correct. I did not do my assignment from God in the friendship! Yes, there are expectations from God within friendships. See, He needs and expects us to serve others and fill roles in others lives that He may show His love for that person.

Looking back over the years I noticed the gradual deterioration of our friendship. It started out with God as the glue to our friendship. Each person was actively engaged in serving the other without regard for keeping score or feeling resentful because of how much we were doing for the other. So what happened? We pushed God from the friendship. Anything left without a positive force or charge will begin to deteriorate. Think about it, if you put a chair outside on your porch and come check on it in 10 years, will it be in the same condition that you originally had it? Of course not, the elements weathered it, it probably lost it's luster, maybe someone damaged it, etc. Now had you taken care of it and refinished it and provided it renewing by refinishing etc., then it would do much better and thrive as a chair would, lol. So it is with our relationships within friendships, families, neighbors, or whatever.

That being said, we did not take care of the friendship the way we were expected to.  We began murmuring when the calling of friendship beckoned under the guise of it's too hard, or I do everything for you, or you're mean, or I'm tired of trying, and on and on. We began to not look at things as an opportunity to love even more. We played the blame game, we left the friendship to try and weather the elements without our positive charge. We should have cherished and still cherish the opportunities to serve each other.

Are you listening people (meaning me)? Put down your pride and get out and serve each other and do what Heavenly Father expects of you without regard to what others may be telling you.

In the story of "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein, the tree gave and gave even though he was dying at the giving of his leaves, his branches, his trunk. It looks like a story of codependency to both parties detriment. But really if you take a closer look, it is teaching an eternal principle the Savior taught us. We see this in the closing line,  "'Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest.' And the boy did. And the tree was happy." The tree was happy when it gave, even when it had nothing left, even at the sacrificing or laying down of his life. You see, it debunks the myth that people run out of time, energy, resources, in helping others. Lots of people excuse themselves saying they have nothing left to give. But God provides.

President Thomas S Monson made this point clearly when he said, "No greater love

Love is the catalyst that causes change. Love is the balm that brings healing to the soul. But love doesn't grow like weeds or fall like rain. Love has its price. "God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). That Son, even the Lord Jesus Christ, gave His life that we might have eternal life, so great was His love for His Father and for us"

He also said there is a common demoninator amongst us.

"All who have studied mathematics know what a common denominator is. For Latter-day Saints, there is a common denominator that binds us together. That common denominator is the individual call each of us receives to fill assignments in God's kingdom here upon the earth.

Are you ever guilty of murmuring when a calling comes to you? Or do you accept with thanksgiving each opportunity to serve your brothers and sisters, knowing that our Heavenly Father will bless those whom He calls?

I would hope that we would not lose the real objective of our cherished opportunities to serve. That objective, that eternal goal, is the same spoken of by the Lord and found in the Pearl of Great Price: "For behold, this is my work and my glory — to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39).

May we ever remember that the mantle of membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is not a cloak of comfort but rather a robe of responsibility. Our duty, in addition to saving ourselves, is to guide others to the celestial kingdom of God. —"

Utah Daddy Works Out!

Godly Sorrow and Restitution Part 2

As discussed in the previous post, godly sorrow brings about a change in heart which in turn motivates the offender in restoring or making restitution to the offended. Translation: if you are repentant and sorrowful as God would have you be, you would want to do whatever you could to make it better for the one  you hurt.

In the book, "The Miracle of Forgiveness," it states that it is a requirement of the repentant sinner to restore and make restitution to the one they hurt.  It's not optional. It says, "As a rule there are many things which a repentant soul can do to make amends. 'A broken heart and a contrite spirit' will usually find ways to restore to some extent. The true spirit of repentance demands that he who injures shall do everything in his power to right the wrong." And goes on to say, "In the process of repentance we must restore completely where possible, otherwise restore to the maximum degree attainable. And through it all we must remember that the pleading sinner, desiring to make restitution for his acts, must also forgive others of all offenses committed against him. The Lord will not forgive us unless our hearts are fully purged of all hate, bitterness and accusation against our fellowmen."

Sheesh, that's a lot to take in. I have not done everything in my power to make restitution to all the many people I have offended throughout my life, but I now have something to work toward.

So what are some ways to right the wrongs...

• work at fulfilling your word
• if you gossiped about someone, make sure you only speak positive and start to build the reputation of the person you damaged
• if you stole something, return it fourfold like the scriptures talk about
• serve those you have damaged
• if you lied, tell the truth and repair any damage from the lies and work at serving the offended
• if  you have hurt someone and kids are involved, do what's right for the kids
• have your heart aligned with God's and true sorrow felt for the sin and it will direct you to want to love, serve, and protect the hearts of those you have offended
• if you have dishonored someone, honor them through deed, word, and thought
• ask forgiveness
• stop blaming others
• have an increased love for those you've offended

I strongly believe I am making some strides with my weaknesses because of my trials. I hate to admit that because no one wants trials but I am stretching because of them.

Repentance...Godly Sorrow or Worldly Sorrow

I love this quote in  "The Infinite Atonement".... "The more spiritual an individual becomes, the more sensitive he becomes to his imperfections. The better he becomes, the worse he realizes he was."

Since I am trying to refocus my life on repentance, I thought I would start with step 1 which deals with having sorrow for the sin, hurt, or mistakes one makes in life. In the book "The Infinite Atonement" Callister describes the two different types of sorrow we can feel. Godly sorrow is that sorrow which brings about the change of heart, and need and desire to want to repair those we have hurt, things we have damaged, and restore our relationship with Heavenly Father. Worldly sorrow often accompanies sin or problems and is usually a natural outcome to the sin, getting a bad grade on a test, losing a friendship, getting pregnant as a teen. These are hardship sorrows that come about as consequences to sin.

There are signs you will see if you have Godly Sorrow; you will have "reservoirs of compassion for those you have hurt, perhaps sore embarrassment, and finally and always a willingness to submit to whatever is necessary" to make things right. It may be an apology, a fixing and mending of hearts, etc. You would be willing to do whatever it takes to reestablish your standing with God. More signs of Godly Sorrow are:

• absence of excuses
• absence of blaming others
• absence of alibis
• willingness to restore to those we've hurt what we damaged, whether physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally
• willingness to apologize
• willingness to confess
• willingness to have compassion to those hurt

As I looked at the criteria of Godly Sorrow, I am on my way, but not quite there yet. I am still feeling a lot of the worldly sorrow that I am missing out on a best friend. I am finding I at times still have excuses, blame, and not as much compassion as I need. But I am grateful to have the knowledge so that I can continue to pray and take inventory so I can keep moving in the right direction.

I'll put it out there, sometimes having Godly Sorrow is hard!  Sometimes you do feel it's other's faults you are in this situation, sometimes you don't want to restore what you took away, and sometimes you don't want to have compassion for those you've hurt. Do we rationalize our sin? Do we say it's because of our past so it's ok to say mean things? Do we say they hurt us first so it's ok to have a reaction? Do we say it's ok to ignore because they hurt us? Do we say we sinned but only because they made us? Do we say we sinned but the other person took it farther? Do we rationalize? I know I do. 

If you're LDS, there is a great example of Godly Sorrow shown in the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's. They were a people who did heinous acts and murdered, raped, and stole. In an act of Godly Sorrow, these people buried their weapons so far in the ground that they could not ever get to them to hurt others again. In fact, their sorrow motivated them to restitution by offering to the Nephites that they would be slaves unto them until they repaired the damage caused. They knew they wouldn't be able to restore the lives they took but they had a desire to do all they could to make repairs. 

Godly Sorrow propels us to moving toward complete repentance. I am struggling with it myself.

Agency, Repentance, Making Amends, Oh My! PT 2

As I was saying, so instead of focusing on whether my friend and her family choose to forgive us the way the Lord wants them to, it makes no difference.  My part of the equation is to repent. Fall down to my knees and pray and pray and pray. So how do we repent? Essentially, there are six steps to repentance.

• Feel Godly Sorrow (I am working on this, sometimes I feel more sorrow because of the consequences, I need to pray more to feel sorrow for my part in the hurt)
• Confess to God
• Ask for Forgiveness- (I've certainly tried to do this on several occasions)
• Rectify Problems Caused by the Sin or Make Amends- (in the case of my friend, they won't allow me to because her dad has given a directive to ignore me, so in my case, the best thing I can do is pray for my friend and give her the space needed, and I will find ways to serve her the rest of my life)
• Forsake Sin- (hate the sin, don't slip back into the pit)
• Receive Forgiveness- (As stated in FIH book, if you feel you can't forgive yourself, then more repentance is needed)

I have felt really bad that my friends family has made it difficult to rectify or make amends with my friend. They are in protection mode and I understand that. So I struggle with the definition of rectifying or making amends as it's stated here.

Rectify Problems Caused by the Sin(s)
"And if it be stolen from him, he shall make restitution unto the owner thereof." (Exodus 22:12)

• Make restitution by fixing any problems caused by your sin.
• Problems caused by sin include physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual damage.
• If you can't rectify the problem sincerely ask forgiveness of those wronged and try to find another way to show your change of heart.
• Restitution. We must restore as far as possible all that has been damaged by our actions, whether that is someone's property or someone's good reputation. Willing restitution shows the Lord that we will do all we can to repent.

Doing the steps above are required in my repentance process. Figuring out what that means to help my friend mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, is my quest since that is where my damage to her was caused.

I have been feeling like most of the falling out is my fault. However, my friend and I are equally to blame in the falling out of our friendship and it's been a big struggle of mine to hear what she has been saying to her family about me. To give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe she has told them what she did as well, but I received an email from her dad yesterday that completely blew me away. In the kindest tone ever, he tried to tell me what a lacking person I am. 

As I've often stated, I have felt like a screw up pretty much my entire life. From birth till now, some things I've forgiven myself and other things I have not, which shows me I have not completed the repentance process completely on some things. My goal this year is a simple one, become a servant and repent.

When we repent, it is not enough just to forsake sin; we must replace the empty space left by sin by living righteously. We need to refill our spiritual bucket by doing those things that invite the Spirit back into our lives. We need to recommit to living an obedient life, to forgiving others, to restoring damages, and to enduring faithfully to the end.

Agency, Repentance, and Making Amends Oh My!

I am going to go out on a limb here and tell you that in certain aspects of my life, I like control. Certain aspects like....all aspects. Yes, I am one who likes to control the environment around my life. I keep my friends separate, my life details secret, my bank account clean (till my divorce), my kids under wraps, health stuff secret, and todo lists checked off.

Recently, when my friend decided to end our friendship, I wanted to control that too. I am a believer in the concept of free agency, except when it comes to affecting my life. It's not so much that I struggle with other's free agency as it is that I struggle with the consequences of how they exercised their free agency.

For instance, when my husband left after 17 years of marriage, the consequences we have endured because of that choice have been drastic. We lost all our money, we lost our family, lost some friends. When one of my preschoolers took up his free agency and started calling me Miss Barbara for no apparent reason, lol, I live with the consequence of being known by some as "Babs." Now that is put in for some comic relief but you get the picture. To each person's act or exercise in free agency, there is a consequence. Some are good consequences and some are not.

So with my need to control the situation of my friend leaving, I wanted to force them to forgive me. I mean come on, that's what this whole blog is about, right? Show them that by not forgiving they are doing the wrong thing...Well, it did initially start out that way. But that's when it happened. When you least expect it, the miracles come a flowing.

As I tried really hard to control that my friend and her family forgive me, I realized I can't. Yes, agency, that word that is hard to swallow at times, comes in to play. It is their choice whether they want to be apart of our lives or not. The only choice I have in the matter is for me to repent and make amends.

To be continued...I have to go to basketball!

In Teg Ritty Unloaded...

Recently, my integrity was questioned by someone I love dearly. I was crushed. My heart impaired at the thought that my actions were sending a signal to someone that I shouldn't be trusted. Hearing the accusations, I was angered, then I was saddened, then I felt compassion. I tried to practice what I have been learning through all of the reading I have been doing. First, seek to understand the other person's story or perception. Then find the compassion in order to forgive and love more. Sheesh it's a lot easier to write about than do sometimes, but it works.

After hearing of the distrust, I remembered a quote that was taped to my friend's bathroom mirror. It said something like, "live your life in such a way that if someone were to speak poorly of you, no one would believe it."  Now those were not the exact words, but you get the gist of it. I don't know if I can say that I have done that, but I can say that I am trying every day to do that.

So, I looked back through my actions and decided that it doesn't matter whether I was trustworthy in the situation that was brought up or not, the perception was that I wasn't trustworthy. Now, I'm not very good at always shoving my ego down, but again, as Ferrell taught in FIH, I needed to repent. I don't know if the person will ever change their mind about me, but it doesn't matter. All I can do is my best with my weaknesses and the Lord.

Favorite Bible Stories on Forgiveness???

I have been thinking of the atonement and why sometimes it seems easier for strangers to forgive others than for family or close friends to forgive each other. We see extreme heinous acts forgiven of people whose kids have been murdered by a stranger, and yet we often see so many families or close friends destroyed by hurt at the hand of one without forgiveness extended. So I wondered why that is. I mean if you go to my MIRACLES page, you will see three stories of amazing people whose family member was murdered and the person forgave the offender completely and in two cases made them a part of their family. Yes you heard that right, they made the killer a member of their family. So why is it that it seems harder to forgive our own family members for what is often a lot less of an offense than murder?

I have a theory about this and may be wrong. I will hypothesize that it comes down to trust. You see those in our family or close circles have been entrusted with our hearts. We would never expect the people who love us the most to do some of the horrific behaviors that hurt us. I think that's why it hurts more and why it is harder to forgive.

So it got me to thinking, are there any clear examples in the Bible where people forgive their family or close friends of severe hurt, and is it just a forgiveness in word or do they embrace forgiveness and love others more?

I came upon many stories and like the one of Esau and Jacob. I found a site (whatchristionaswanttoknow.com) that summarizes this story well. Other stories from the bible also demonstrate forgiveness as well...the Prodigal Son, Jesus and the Woman, David and Mephobisheth, as well as the well known Joseph and his brothers story.

The question then becomes non-relevant, shouldn't we extend forgiveness even more to those we love and trust and want them back home with us? Here is the story of Jacob and Esau.

Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25, 27, 32, 33)- Forgiveness Bible Story

The twins Jacob and Esau were very different from one another. One was a man’s man. Esau loved outdoor activities like tending the sheep and hunting. Jacob preferred to stay at home and learn from his mother.

One day Esau came in from the field famished. He begged Jacob to give him something to eat. In return Jacob sold a bowl of soup to his older twin in exchange for the birthright. Esau traded the larger portion of their inheritance for a bowl of beans. (Genesis 25:29-34)

The deception continued. When their father Isaac knew he was near death he requested that his manly son Esau kill a deer to prepare a fine meal before dividing the estate. Rebbecca, the mother of the twins, heard the request and helped Jacob pull off a grand scheme to fool Isaac into giving Jacob the larger portion of the inheritance.

In the end, Jacob had to run for his life. He fled to another country to find his mother’s relatives who would care for him. It was many years before he returned to his own family. When he did, he heard that his brother Esau was looking for him. The deceiver Jacob was scared. He devised a plan so that his brother could only destroy half of Jacob’s wealth if he was caught. (Genesis 32)

When they finally met, Esau ran to Jacob and hugged him and kissed him and showed forgiveness and mercy. He had so forgiven Jacob that he was surprised Jacob would even think that there might be hard feelings between them. (Genesis 33)

2013 New Year!

As I reminisced about the past year and the good, the bad, the ugly, I am approaching the new year with excitement.

--things I am going to try and leave behind...my weaknesses that cause others pain, my self interest, my lack of energy, my misplaced efforts

First, it's my year! My lucky number has always been 13 and this is the year for change.

I know that it's a little awkward to share one's personal resolutions on a blog, but they do say if you write them down and share with others you are more likely to keep them.

My top goals for 2013 are:
--serve others with a god-like love, not watching what hand gets credit
--become the least of these, humble myself and repent repent repent
--help my kids understand the gospel more
--develop a social support system for my kids and myself

Yay me!